Hi all my name is Eddie I am ninteen and the only word that describes me is loser. I have spent the last three years of my life in my room, I dont even go outside to the shops. I dont even speak to my family, everyone hates me. I have zero self esteem and all I can think of is killing my self. That way I dont have to be a sick wierd freak anymore. Up to the age of sixteen I was happy, funny, smart, I had lots of friends, I was popular, basically I was normal. I dont know what happened but the last year of school I changed. Slowly I stopped meeting friends and I stopped speaking, I was a completely diffrent person, I started to vanish. Then when school finished I stopped all contact with my friends. I went into a deep depression. I hide in my room and hate my self. Now I smell, I look like a tramp, I have only one set of clothes, I am 5,7 which is average height of a woman and have a backwards brain. There is not one good thing about me. My personality sucks I dont speak to anyone even on the internet. I have no friends, I have no girlfriend, I dont speak to my family, I dont have a clue who I am, I have no personality at all. I dont enjoy anything, I dont hate anything im just existing. My mum hates me, my dad wants me to leave and my brother laughs at me. I DREAD it when any of my family comes round to visit especially my cousins. They all remember the old me and still think of me as the leader as one of their mates. But in the last three years they have come round and I have said nothing, just grunts. They say come to the park and play football or lets go to the pub and I say no. Most of the time they come round to see my brother and just say hi through the door which makes happy because it means they dont see me but really it makes me sad. All my family speak about me but I put on a front and whenever they do manage to corner me I act like im fine. Inside I dream of one day being normal again, meeting a girl, having lots of kids, living in the countryside with a good job. But I feel like this is me now, im messed up forever. The reason im seriously considering killy myself tommorow is that today was the worst day of my life. My dad is a bully and because I act like a scared retard and hide in my room 24/7 he thinks he can bully me. He starts arguments over anything. Today my brother asked me for the newspaper and before I could even pick it up he bursts into my room screaming in my face. I said im going to give it to him and he squares up to me pushes me with his fists in the air telling me to fuck off out. But this time I couldnt just backdown and look away, I went into a rage and beat him up. Eventhough he deserved it, it was a massive mistake, he has a broken cheekbone and called the police. He droppped the charges on me so im not in trouble but I had to speak to a doctor and talk about what a loser I am. I spent 10 hours at the police station with greasy messy hair, stinking clothes, it was humilliating. I am an anglo-saxon and the policeman asked if I speak english! Thats how messed up I am. I had to then speak with my family infront of everyone even my cousins and aunts were there. Plus I was the bad one that attacked my dad, the sick violent little wierdo. When all I was doing was defending myself. Everyone was on his side because no one listens to me. I dont know what its called but I go through every detail about what happened today and I cringe, I bite my fist and tense all my muscles, I do this about everything I do, I cant even say hi then cringe about how I said it. Now I have to move out, they have given me a little time but I have to move out soon, I have come to a cross roads. I have one option which is to find a crap job and crap room somewhere, far away so I never see anyone I know or knew and leave this life behind. Or kill myself and end this misrerable life once and for all. I have got a plan which is tommorow, I will leave the house and jump in front of train. Quick, painless and no one I know will see me dead, ill probably cringe from the grave if they do. Hopefully I will be forgotten as the coward and finally left alone. I dont know why Im posting this on here but maybe there are other people out there who are just like me and them seeing what a sad, weak, loser of a man I am changes there mind and they dont do what im going to do.