Ive given up

Hi all my name is Eddie I am ninteen and the only word that describes me is loser.

I have spent the last three years of my life in my room, I dont even go outside to the shops. I dont even speak to my family, everyone hates me. I have zero self esteem and all I can think of is killing my self. That way I dont have to be a sick wierd freak anymore.

Up to the age of sixteen I was happy, funny, smart, I had lots of friends, I was popular, basically I was normal. I dont know what happened but the last year of school I changed. Slowly I stopped meeting friends and I stopped speaking, I was a completely diffrent person, I started to vanish. Then when school finished I stopped all contact with my friends. I went into a deep depression. I hide in my room and hate my self.

Now I smell, I look like a tramp, I have only one set of clothes, I am 5,7 which is average height of a woman and have a backwards brain. There is not one good thing about me. My personality sucks I dont speak to anyone even on the internet. I have no friends, I have no girlfriend, I dont speak to my family, I dont have a clue who I am, I have no personality at all. I dont enjoy anything, I dont hate anything im just existing. My mum hates me, my dad wants me to leave and my brother laughs at me. I DREAD it when any of my family comes round to visit especially my cousins. They all remember the old me and still think of me as the leader as one of their mates. But in the last three years they have come round and I have said nothing, just grunts. They say come to the park and play football or lets go to the pub and I say no. Most of the time they come round to see my brother and just say hi through the door which makes happy because it means they dont see me but really it makes me sad. All my family speak about me but I put on a front and whenever they do manage to corner me I act like im fine. Inside I dream of one day being normal again, meeting a girl, having lots of kids, living in the countryside with a good job. But I feel like this is me now, im messed up forever.

The reason im seriously considering killy myself tommorow is that today was the worst day of my life. My dad is a bully and because I act like a scared retard and hide in my room 24/7 he thinks he can bully me. He starts arguments over anything. Today my brother asked me for the newspaper and before I could even pick it up he bursts into my room screaming in my face. I said im going to give it to him and he squares up to me pushes me with his fists in the air telling me to fuck off out. But this time I couldnt just backdown and look away, I went into a rage and beat him up. Eventhough he deserved it, it was a massive mistake, he has a broken cheekbone and called the police. He droppped the charges on me so im not in trouble but I had to speak to a doctor and talk about what a loser I am. I spent 10 hours at the police station with greasy messy hair, stinking clothes, it was humilliating. I am an anglo-saxon and the policeman asked if I speak english! Thats how messed up I am. I had to then speak with my family infront of everyone even my cousins and aunts were there. Plus I was the bad one that attacked my dad, the sick violent little wierdo. When all I was doing was defending myself. Everyone was on his side because no one listens to me. I dont know what its called but I go through every detail about what happened today and I cringe, I bite my fist and tense all my muscles, I do this about everything I do, I cant even say hi then cringe about how I said it.

Now I have to move out, they have given me a little time but I have to move out soon, I have come to a cross roads. I have one option which is to find a crap job and crap room somewhere, far away so I never see anyone I know or knew and leave this life behind. Or kill myself and end this misrerable life once and for all. I have got a plan which is tommorow, I will leave the house and jump in front of train. Quick, painless and no one I know will see me dead, ill probably cringe from the grave if they do. Hopefully I will be forgotten as the coward and finally left alone.

I dont know why Im posting this on here but maybe there are other people out there who are just like me and them seeing what a sad, weak, loser of a man I am changes there mind and they dont do what im going to do.

 

That really blows, mate. I'm pretty much the same story. I use to be social and whatnot but now I don't do anything anymore except come home and think about how much of a piece of shit I am. Like you I'm probably going to kill myself, but with a gun, 9mm. I heard you can't get guns in the UK and I'm sorry about that. I hope you don't feel any pain when/if you jump infront of that train, I'm not going to sit here and tell you not to do it becuase I know what it's like to let yourself go to shit and to have everyone hate you. Maybe you can start a new life, pick yourself up, clean up and start moving forward again. But if you don't, know that my thoughts are with you, and that I hope you feel no pain if you choose to end your life.

 

I'm sorry for what you've gone through, I am also 19 years old and really all I can be called is a loser as well, don't have friends, never had a girlfriend, very boring, recluse, empty pathetic life, anti-social but unlike you, I've been this way pretty much all of my life. Oh great, now that made me depressed. I can totally relate to you.

Do you know what may have happened to have you changed so dramatically three years ago? I just know that I can really relate you, a whole whole lot more than many of the "normal" people compared to us freaks. So sorry your are in your situation.

 

It sounds like when you changed it was because of developing depression. There's meds out there that can get rid of it, or at least make it not as bad.

 

Eddie I am curious as to whether you started using illegal drugs around the same time you changed? Often this is the reason why teens become reclusive and depressed. It would explain everthing in fact.

 

We're all different, but no one is better or worse. You seem to be self destructing. I know how that's like, even though my causes were kinda different.

The important thing is that we're here to help, or at least try. If you just open your mind to other people and find some real friends again, which i believe you will and that was the first step, you'll find your way out of that hell.

I didn't go through anything like that, but i did lost friends that way. At some point, i just gave up on them. I wish i hadn't.......