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I've got no one, after all.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hanging_Hope, Feb 4, 2010.

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  1. Hanging_Hope

    Hanging_Hope Active Member

    That's right.

    I've been living a lie these past few months.

    I've got no one.

    No one who loves me or cares for me. They just prooved it was a lie.

    I am so foolish. I thought someone actually cared. But no, he hasn't called for days and never will call again.

    And I'm in love with someone I can never be with. I love him so much it makes it hard to breathe. I've been in love with him for as long as I can remember myself.

    I want to be with him. I need to be with him. I'm only safe with him. I need to see him. But he's somewhere I can't reach now. I love him, he was the only one who ever cared. I need and want to be near him.

    The only way I can reach him is if I just drift away, just like he did. I can't handle the nightmares anymore. I can't handle the memories anymore. They're sweet memories turned into nightmares. He was my soul mate, I know he was. And he cared. I cared. He made life easier to go through. He stood by me when I needed a friend. He said that everything will be okay.

    Me and him, we were never meant for this world. If he was meant to stay, then he wouldn't have been taken away from me just like that. He wouldn't have gotten into that accident. He wouldn't have been just disappeared from me just like he did. He wouldn't even had be taken to the hospital.

    And I'm not made for this world. If I were made to stay, then I wouldn't have been sick. I know there's not much time left, and so far all the time I have left has been nothing but hurtful.

    I've deleted all of our pictures.
    I used to keep them in a file I never dared to open, just because of the memories. But I never want to bring them back. I'm scared to, I'm scared of the pain.

    I need to be with him, I really do.
    It's the only safe place I can think of.
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we are here for you
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

  4. HarleyTwin

    HarleyTwin Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry, love. More than you'll ever know. I too, just lost the one person I loved. My fiancee passed last week from a heart attack. The grief and lonliness and the feeling of needing to be with them is powerful, I know. However they would not want you to live your life in vain, even if they might feel as if they need to be near you too. There is always time for that, but they would want you to live the rest of your life in honor to make the reunion more sweeter.

    Please know, that if you ever need to talk, you can always PM me. But also remember, you're not alone in this, grief is a hard thing and it makes us feel irrational even when we feel at our best, and it comes and goes in waves. It is not the way it's always going to be.

    (((HUGS))) I'm thinking of you at this time, hun.
  5. Hanging_Hope

    Hanging_Hope Active Member

    Thank you.

    GraceAndShadow, I am terribly sorry for your loss. I understand just how much it hurts to lose a loved one. I have lost the most important person that has ever walked and will ever walk in my life to an accident, and I've also lost a dear family member to a heart attack. Trying to describe the pain is like trying to explain the impossible. It hurts that much.

    Nick was my soulmate. We never were a couple but we could see through each other's souls in a way that I thought didn't exist. I felt complete and whole just by talking to him or looking at him. I've always loved him and I wish I had told him that. I regret it so badly. It's been years but his absence is the nightmare I'm waking into every day. I'm still in love with him and always will be. I really wish to meet him sometime and tell him all that I should have told him long, long ago...
  6. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    i am truely sorry for your loss.you say it has been years yet you are still strugling with it,
    you must have loved him a whole lot. here at SF we do care about eachother. we do care about you.hang in there
  7. Hanging_Hope

    Hanging_Hope Active Member

    I still love him way too much. And everyday it just seems harder. There's no point in going through each day just to find my way back into misery again. I'm really tired. I wish I could just get over with it already, I wish my illness would just make me pass away sooner. Even now. I'm really tired of never getting a chance in life.
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