I've got the strangest feeling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xoCherie, Aug 30, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    It's just...complete and utter calm. I've been depressed for 10 years, and it's not "numb", it's not "empty" it's calm.
    I'm scared
    Because when I was walking to shool, I saw five trucks - two logging, one dump truck, and two construction trucks - and each time I could see in my mind's eye me walking into their path and getting hit. It didn't scare me. I was just like "oh, wonder..." and it was only the Lifeline councellor's voice in my ear that kept me walking, kept me going to school.
    But I'm scared, that there won't be a phone call this afternoon. In two hours. There won't be someone there to stop me from running in front of a car or truck. And yet I'm not scared, at the same time. A phantom scared, maybe.
    I know it's not normal. I know that it's another "plain" of depression - the "I don't care" plain. Because I don't. I don't care if I die, because I've got my tattoo and my tongue piercing. I don't care, because then the court case would stop, my "friends" would stop the text bullying, I would stop feeling, living, hating, hoping, starving, suffocating.

    I already know how I'm going to die
    I've known for weeks now, but not known at the same time
    Walking across the crossing without looking to see if the cars stopped
    Darting between traffic at the lights
    It's gotten rid of my fear, my split-second hesitation.
    Now I look at a car coming towards me and think "hit me. Make it end."
     
  2. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hello cherie,your at rock bottom right now,your still at school which tells me you are very young ( clever aren't I ) but being so young you should still have some hope in your heart that things can be sorted out over a period of time. You mention a court case which is causing you loads of stress and unhappiness by the sound of it? What if you hold on till that's over? That would be one enormous thing over and done with and maybe that could be the start of things improving. I too have a sense of calm about suicide,seems to comfort me that I can escape if things get too bad,I don't think your method would be for me. You could end up crippled,could kill the occupants of the vehicle etc... But I hope your not gonna kill yourself at all!! Thinking of you x
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi Cherie
    I am glad you are still here !! What you described is a huge amount of pain. I am really sorry you are dealing with so much. Court case, text bullying.....
    But I am glad that you posted here. Really glad. This is a good place to bring these feelings and thoughts.

    Also, I wonder, would you be able to talk to a school counseler about this? Are you still talking to the lifeline counseler? I really and truly hope that you will tell a counseler irl about all of what you are dealing with. Cuz you have been though a lot. and are going through a lot. Keep posting. okay? :hugtackles:
     
  4. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    My last year of school, yes. I'm 18 if that helps. It hasn't even started yet. Hell, it won't even go to court most likely. Oh god...as I was writing that I got the most abusive text message...I'm lucky I'm at school, it would've triggered me. I can't even read past the first three words - "YOU FUCKING SLUT!" - without wanting to cut. I asked my teacher what to do and we went to the deputy principal, who's gunna get the police involved. But...god...I want out.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2011
  5. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member


    The school councellor's dealing with everyone else's problems, because we had an ex-student commit suicide on the weekend. My rape councellor's coming into school in 2 hours...I'll try, it's hard when school blocked this site. Dumb, since it's a way to reach out and seek help
     
  6. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    The school councellor's dealing with everyone else's problems, as an ex-student committed suicide on the weekend. But my rape councellor's coming into school in two hours.
     
  7. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Those people sending those texts are just sub human scum that need putting out of their misery. I fucking hate bullies they are the lowest of the low,and they are usually full of insecurities and it somehow makes them feel good about themselves to make somebodies life a misery. You hold your head up high and remember that they are weak feeble excuses for human beings,I'm an atheist but I do believe in karma. One day there gonna get paid back in full,I really believe that. Try and be strong,don't let them see they're hurting you,that's what they feed on.
    Good luck x
     
  8. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    It's going to the police. Which is good, but I can't change my number because of how many people have it - people I need to keep in contact with. I've already changed it once this year :/
    It's no-one I know, unless Mal borrowed a mate's phone to text me. It seems like something she'd do
     
  9. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    That's great because any text can be traced so they're gonna be getting a visit from the police and it will end or they're gonna be in big trouble
     
  10. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    God, I hope so :(
     
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I hope the police catch them and make them get some serious counselling. And make sure they can never text again. Unless its an adult in which case I hope they land in jail where they belong. Whomever they are, they need some very serious counselling to help their sick mind. I am sorry this is happening to you Cherie. Keep posting :hugtackles::hugtackles:
     
  12. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    I learnt later on Friday that the text was traced, and the police called both the people involved and said they can't contact me at all. I'd say they got threatened, but I don't care. As long as it stops. To make sure I'm changing my number tomorrow, changing the phone company I'm with, when I get my new phone.Already know the plan I'll be going on.
    With the case...they've talked to three of the main people, but they haven't found the main guy :/ and they've talked to my "friend", the one that set it up, the one that sent that text.
    I'm slowly getting help, getting things sorted. But my mind's scattered, and I'm getting angry over nothing. Better than that "calm" I guess. Though, my current phone (belongs to my ex/mate) keeps taking the brunt of my anger. Sorry phone! But you've got the texts and you're a reminder of THAT night. Get rid of you, lose a trigger
     
  13. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hey cherie,you sound so positive,it looks like things are slowly turning round in your favour. Little by little things falling into place,good news on the bullies being warned off. Try not to stress about the court case,it will take care of itself. When you hit rock bottom there's only one way to go. Xx
     
  14. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    I'm only this positive because I reached out, and I helped people last night

    We had a meeting at my school hall about the recent suicides (four in two months :[ ) and it was all adults, only three teenagers. When the CAHMS lady went up and said that "you as parents, if you feel something's wrong, should call us," I was thinking "yes, but you can't drag us to the appointments. We as teenagers deny that we need help." When she finished speaking I stood up (I've got a HUGE fear of public speaking so it was big of me to) and I just said this:
    "I've been in your service for over a year now. In that time, I've been with this one councellor that judges me on anything that I say. You're a great organisation, but what you don't realise is that if we feel judged, we won't open up. I've been going through (here I started crying, as I am now) such a bad time lately, and it's not related to these recent suicides. It's my own personal struggle, but I felt like I had to come here tonight. But being in this struggle, and being told I have all this 'support' around me, when I know that they'll judge me, it makes it...so, so hard to open up about what's going on. You're all looking at it from an adult's point of view. You don't realise...for me, it's the anonymousity of Lifeline that makes me call them, instead of my CAHMS worker. Because I know they'll listen, they won't judge. (here Mum hugged me) I know you want to help us, but you can't if we don't think there's anything wrong."
    After the meeting I had so, so many people coming up to me and telling me how brave I am/was for saying that, and how they and their mates were in tears...I just had to say my piece. That's how I saw it. But...seeing that many people concerned and grieving...it gave me hope. Because I had complete strangers telling me that I AM strong, that I CAN get through this. That, that gave me hope
     
  15. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    That is uplifting and sad to hear at the same time. A mixture. I am glad that the experience gave you hope, and I'm proud of you for speaking up.
     
  16. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    That's such a brave selfless thing you did,considering the bullying you've had recently. Many and me included would probably have just retreated into their shell but you spoke up in the hope that things might change. You need to give yourself some credit because you deserve it! Xx
     
  17. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    Alex:
    I'm proud of me too. I'm so happy right now, I hope it never ends!

    Mark:
    I'd been holding it in all of the meeting, thinking "oh I could add to that" or "hey I've got something to say about that"
    But it wasn't until that CAHMS lady spoke up that I got the courage to speak.
    I am giving myself tons of credit. I'm sick of the self-bashing, I'm sick of thinking it's all my fault. I got a new phone, changed my number, so now that trigger's gone too.
    Two days ago I threw my old phone so hard onto the ground I'm lucky it didn't shatter. Just the back came off and the battery fell out. But it'd clicked in my mind that if I hadn't given that fucken phone to my "friend", NONE of that night would've happened. So glad I got rid of that trigger!
     
  18. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    That's great 
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.