I've had all the fun I can handle!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stranger1, Jun 15, 2008.

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  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I spent the weekend at my brothers house, helping him working on the new barn. I was having major anxiety so I called it quits and came home where I feel safe.
    The closer we get to finishing the barn the closer my date with death becomes real. Like I have said in some of my posts. I will stick around to help him finish the barn. Then it is time to finish dealing with all this pain both physical and mental!!
    I don't know what to say. There is actually nothing to be said. I have nothing to show for this life time. I let this life slip by.I hope the next one doesn't hold the health problems that I have had over this lifetime.
  2. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    whats been affecting your health your whole life?

    And y not make a better ending task than building a barn :)? Personally my plan for when before i go is to become a pirate- depending on what assests i have- i mite sell them all and buy something really precious and bury it somewhere. And then make a map or two or engrave the directions somewhere for people to have an adventure finding it...i imagine it'd require alot of planning though or else it' dbe too easy or no one would take it seriously n it wouild be forgotten...

    lol sorry if it sounds stupid- but its more interesting than dying in my opinion.

    or i mite go and buy a romanian orphan with my money...not sure what im gonna do with him/her though hahah- but it would be something non-dodge.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I live with dailey headaches that never go away. If I don't stay on top of them, they turn into migane headaches. When they get that bad I have to go to the hospital and they knock me out. I also have back trouble. I have already had one disc operated on and the one above and the one below are hurting now. The doc that operated on my back said I will probably have to back in to have all three fused together.
    As far as helping my brother, that was my choice because even though he has helped others no one has offered to help him. The only reason I put off my suicide is because he has done things for me and I feel it is only fair to help him in return. I don't think you realize just how much work is involved for two people never the less one person. We built the outer walls and then we built a tac room where they store all there riding gear, then a feed room to store there feed and hay, And then three stalls for there horses, and finally a paddock area for each horse.
    I have put off my attempt for fourteen years by finding things like that to help keep me from being idol and letting the thoughts take over. It is a dailey struggle to stay positive. I told myself that once we were done then I will finish this one way or another.:chopper:
  4. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    hmm... ok that put things into context for me. ugh wish there was a delete post option...

    I think its really noble that you've chosen to help other people over ending what must be a great deal of suffering for so long-here on SF or for your brother. That in itself is something you should be proud of
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    would you reconsider your date? they are always coming up with new treatments, both for depression, back pain, and headaches. a few years ago i had a slipped disc. it was probably the most pain i'd ever been in, it was horrible. every small movement gave such pain. i healed with exercise, physio and very good drugs!! robin mackenzie has a book of exercises you can use to strengthen your back (called heal your own back or something like that)- it's on amazon and is quite cheap. it really saved my life - after 4 months of not working i was able to get up and around again.

    okay, back to finishing the barn and what that brings. i have noticed that you give great advice to others. now it's time to be open to receiving our love and support back. have you told the psych or your therapist about this new deadline? would you?

    i've only met you recently but it seems you have alot to show for this lifetime. success, for me, is *not* about any material possessions we might have, it is the kindnesses we extend to each other, and i have seen you give some great advice here. that makes you are generous and kind, in my book.

    yes, you have also suffered a great deal, and who wouldn't want that to end. but not before your time.

    i found this series of articles last night - perhaps there is something there that will help:

    ps janie - i'd love to be a pirate, too!
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Janie, What gave you the right to dictate to me what I should do when I decide it's over. As for my helping my brother. he needs the help. He does things for others all the time. All his so called friends are concernd, not one of them has helped him. He is my brother so I promised him I would help. That is in the real world not fantase, chasing down treasures.

    He is my brother and I love him. That is why i'm waiting till we are done. you should keep your opinions to yourself if you don't have anything positive to say.:chopper:
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Janie I'm sorry that i blew up over this in my last post. I didn't read far enough to see that you reconsiderd what you said in you first post. Again I am sorry. I just have a short fuse right now!!
  8. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    lol its coo- as long as the short fuse is justified (which is it from the silly first post i did). i guess i was trying to persuade you to not look at finishing the barn as the mark for the beginning of the end. Now that everything's in context i see and respect your decision.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry for all the medical issues you find yourself suffering. I hope there can be many more projects that you decide to help others with in the future instead of ending your life. I understand you want all the pain to stop and I respect that. I can't help but think there are other options besides ending your life. Are there no pain relievers or other medical help that can make life better for you. I am sure your brother would be devastated to lose you. Please stay safe. I will keep you in my thoughts. :hug:
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Thank You Gentlelady,
    I was on lorcet for about eight years and about a year ago I quit taking them because I was abusing them so I could get a buzz. You tell the doc's that you are in pain and they just blow you off. I start seeing a new doctor in two days. He has all my records from my old doc and my nuerologist. Hopefully he will do something to help. I got a new shrink last month because the one I was seeing retired. The first thing out of his mouth was he wanted to change my meds. He wants to put me on lithium. I have alreay been on lithium. I have been on just about everything. They finally gota combination of meds that works half ass. Nothing else that I have been on worked.
    He wants to meet my sister because she is my caregiver. He about freaked out because I told him I'm suicidal. He wanted me to go back in the hospital. I told him everything is alright right now. MY due date is about one or two months from now...:chopper:
  11. frankie626

    frankie626 Active Member

    =T it saddens me to hear you speak of such things.. u have always been such a positive voice here on this forum.. not only for me but for so many others. believe it or not i can truly relate to how you feel. being hit by a drunk driver when i was just 17.. it was hard. they released me out of the hospital, i had a huge medical bill and the illegal alien that hit me had no insurance. mri's are really expensive and regular x-rays just don't do it sometimes.. I been living with this crippling pain for 10 years. pain killers don't work either.. they can numb ur muscles but when u have a sharp piercing pain shooting down ur nervs.. no pain killer in the world can make it go away.. it took me a long time to be able to get the health care i needed. and heres the kicker.. its only going to get worse as i get older. but thats life.. i can't blame the illegal for coming here looking for a better life. and i don't know of a single person that hasn't gotten behind that wheel a little tipsy from time to time. I've been dealt a hard hand but that doesn't mean i'm going to loose this one. I want take life for everything it has to offer. i have yet to find happiness. but i have found peace in my heart.. i'm not sure how this would help in ur struggles.. i just prey that it does
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Thank You Frankie,
    I have been struggling with this for fourteen years. I have come close a couple of times. I guess I'm just tired of fighting it. I have seen and done alot in my life. So I don't feel like I have never been able to see things so beautiful. I am still battling it. My problem is i'm not afraid of death. I have almost died a couple of times. For some reason I survived. Well thank you again...:chopper:
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