I've had enough. Bye.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by shounagatsuki, Dec 31, 2012.

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  1. shounagatsuki

    shounagatsuki Member

    People always say I'm too young to feel depressed. That I still have a long journey ahead of me. But honestly, all these 20 years I've survived are constant ordeal. I don't remember being genuinely happy. I was born from a rich but messed up family; my father was an alcoholic man involved in organized crimes and my mom was just a helpless wife. At first dad didn't accept me and my younger twin as his daughters. He accused mom cheated on him and tried to kill us. I was only 3 years old at when he chased us with--I don't remember, a big knife? katana?--and mom had to take us away to her friend's home in another prefecture. As if the god of bad luck was still hovering around us, my sister and I almost got kidnapped; a group of teenagers approached us when we're playing outside and took our jewelries away. We're not hurt that bad, but at that time we began to fear crowd and wearing jewelries.

    Dad finally located us and apologized. He's quite bipolar, I had to say. And mom's too helpless to refuse. So, for the next 10 years, the nightmare kept repeating. Someday dad would come home angry, yelling at mom, pouring gasoline on us, almost throwing us out from a window at 20th floor apartment, you name it. Someday he'd bring cute clothes and take my sister and I to amusement park. But fortunately most of time he's not at home.

    Mom was the only source of safety, but she cared more about my twin (let's just call her Yuu). I was jealous and hated her. I even tried to harm her a few times. On a successful attempt, Yuu got her forehead cracked open in an accident I had planned. She was taken to hospital and got 5 stitches. I didn't feel remorse at all. I was angry, and I think the constant show of violence my father exhibit had twisted my way of thinking. I became violent.

    Not only as a violent kid, I was also well known for my academic achievement. Until graduation I never failed to be the #1; I also joined national science olympiad and won some other contests. Dad's very proud of me and when he brought me to a meeting with his friends he'd happily introduce me as his daughter. Later on, IQ and academic test showed that I was a genius and allowed to join accelaration class, which allowed me to graduate 2 years faster than other students. But it required longer classes, so I couldn't really socialize with other schoolmates.

    Then suddenly I received a call saying dad died in an accident.

    I was 15 years old at that time, in my high school senior year. I honestly didn't know how I felt. A part of me was happy because the person who abused me and my mom was no longer exist, but he's also my source of comfort.

    Dad's death left another problem. He had a huge load of bills from bank, and from his sketchy friends. We had our home and cars claimed by banks, angry debt collectors, and threats from his former 'friends'.

    Mom remarried again, 2 times, but both of them are bastards. They stole the remaining in our bank account. We're completely broke now, this close to being homeless. But somehow I became close to my mom and Yuu. We're more like a family now, which is good. I regretted being cruel to Yuu in the past so I tried to help her as much as I could now. My friends often said that I only cared about them and forgot my own well-being. I'm addicted to work to the point I collapsed a few times from exhaustion. But all my hard work is fruitless. We still can't pay the bill. I had tried to start a small bussiness, pre-ordering stuffs from Taobao, but I got schemed by a fraud and now I had 3,000$ bills to my customer. Life just got worse, huh.

    I once asked Yuu what she'd do if mom died, and got a shrug as an answer. <mod edit - guidlines> since we have no one and nothing else. She agreed. She's also been suicidal like me, but she couldn't bring herself to do it because she knew mom would feel devastated. <mod edit - guidelines>
    I? I don't want to feel happy. I simply want to disappear.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 31, 2012
  2. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    yes i know shounagatsuki how you were treated when you were a little kid inevitably affects you even years after. i can relate. it's not too late to work things out though. seeing a therapist is one of the best ways to start. do not give up yet. warm hugs to you. xxx
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun right now everything seems so dark and hopeless i get that i do hun but things do change and you will not be in such a dark place forever you won't so hold on hun just hold on until those changes start to happen ok. You will need support a therapist as stated but you can hun make a brighter future for yourself hugs
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I've just read your post. You have been through an awful lot. Have you received any counselling for your loss or even suicidal thoughts? I think it is time to see a professional about this before it gets any worse.
     
  5. shounagatsuki

    shounagatsuki Member

    I can't afford a therapist or counselor. Even if I can I'm sure my mom won't allow me because she doesn't think I'm depressed, just seeking for attention.
     
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