I’m having the worst day! In fact I’ve had the worst few weeks, the worst few years! I’m almost as down as I was when I was with Blake and the worst part is that I don’t know y! Everything should be so much better but I’m not happier. I still love him in a way and I don’t love myself when I’m on my own! He treats his new girlfriend perfectly, he does everything for her that I asked of her and it makes me feel like I’m such a horrible person! I still have nightmares at night, I’m scared to go to sleep….at the same time I’m scared to be awake because of how much pain I’m in! I can’t do anything without being reminded of how weak I’ve become! Everyone thinks I’m doing so much better but in reality, I’ve just become a better actress. I don’t wanna be alone, I don’t wanna be here without someone to spend my life with and love. I can’t tell anybody how I really feel because it’s not normal, people aren’t supposed to be this way…especially not someone with so many amazing people around her! I feel like a horrible friend, a horrible daughter, a horrible sister! I hate so many things! I hate the way I look, I hate that Blake saved me, I hate that I can’t be happy, I hate that I’m so stubborn, I hate that I let myself get this way again, I hate that I let myself b treated that way, I hate that although I have everything I feel like I have nothing, I hate that I’m ungrateful, I hate that I don’t stand up for myself, I hate that I’m too stupid to get help and stick to it…and most of all I hate me! The person that I am and the person that I am going to b in the future! If I let this go, I’m gonna b nothing! My dreams are all dying along with my faith and trust. I believe that you can’t trust anyone in this world 100%, that’s no way to live! I can’t even trust my own heart. I don’t know how I feel because I have been lying to myself for so long. I have an expectation to live up to and I’m failing miserably. I’m meant to be Shauna – popular, talented, loving, caring and happy! I’m none of those things. I am all out of ideas, enthusiasm and faith…there is only so much one person can do. I’ve tried a thousand times and been denied every single time so maybe it’s not meant to be? Maybe I have everything wrong, maybe everyone is wrong about me? I don’t know! All I know is that I can’t think of anything worse than spending another hour like this let alone another day or week. I give my all and get this in return…that’s not how the world should work! I am here because of those around me, because of my friends and family…but at some stage I have to stop and do things for myself! If life is this selfish and ungrateful, I don’t wanna have anything to do with it!