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I've had enough

#1
I'm 59. I've worked all my life to overcome a horrible childhood and teen years. I became a medical researcher and a doctor, after being a high school dropout. I recently made mistakes as a doctor and hurt people. It's horrible. My reputation is shot and I feel terrible. The hospital where I worked took advantage of my introversion and worked my three times harder than any other doctor in my department. I worked 12-15 hours a day for seven years and then got tired and sick and made mistakes. Now I am to blame, and I guess I am. I worked hard to escape a family that made me eat dog -hit and told me I was -hit all day long for 20 years. Such wonderful fundi Christians who drank, used drugs, and we very sadistic and promiscuous, all for Jesus of course. I've endured Russian roulette from an alcoholic psychopath stepfather, endless hate, bullying, and now after trying to overcome it all, my life is a mess. I feel like decades of hard work add up to nothing but failure. I am thinking about suicide. Sorry if this pathetic post annoys anyone.

Also one of my very, very few friends is dying of cancer. Life is bad.
 
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Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
SF Pro
#2
Hi @QSR
Firstly, welcome to SF :)
No post is pathetic here, there will be someone on here that will relate to you on some level. This forum is for people who are having a hard time, we help each other and give the best advice we can to our knowledge. We all come here looking for the same thing but evidently most of us get help from the others here that are suffering similarly.

I fortunately don’t relate to your issues, but I couldn’t just read and not respond. But I will offer you my sincere remorse for your childhood/teen years and how your parents didn’t treat you right, especially as you’ve done them proud by becoming a doctor! I’d be so proud of my girls for whatever they do in the future for a job but becoming a doctor is amazing! I don’t quite understand what has gone on at your old work place but I’m sorry it happened! :(

Regarding your best friend with Cancer, there’s not an awful lot you can do other than be there for them. I’m sorry I can’t offer much more advice *console
 

JDot

1 Peter 5:7
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
Hey @QSR I'm sorry you've experienced all this. I just want to say the fact that you got tired and sick and made mistakes is not your fault. The hospital shouldn't have overworked you like that. I'm glad you found SF. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you, and we're glad to have you here.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#4
It's incredible and almost unfathomable to me that you made it on to the career in both research and medicine after such a difficult start to your education!

I can't believe the horrible atrocities that have been done to you... I don't have (the) words, honestly~ / ?

Religion can make many do unthinkable things (in the name of, as you state!) . . .

When I was in the Psych Ward (& there was a period of time when it seemed there was less time spent out of it, than in..;)) // I'd routinely hear, or see Nurses get tasked with staying and working a double shift (from the one they 'd initially, or originally intended to be scheduled for). Now, some or often times it seemed to sound like (from their words) like they'd picked it up at their own volition - perhaps for the "O. T.?"

But what was at times, bothering/troubling/disturing to me - was that they'd already seemed strapped, or surpassed their point of breaking; or fatiguing, and beginning to let it show in some of their actions, behaviors, & performance. In short, it seems criminal that you'd be forced to endure hours such as those, and I only wonder or marvel at the fact that any such mistakes or errors in judgement were not committed much sooner?

I'm sorry for your friend.

Not sure if you're getting professional help &/or- treatment for the behavioral health, but that might be of benefit? I know that sometimes health professionals feel less likely, or maybe inclinced to do so given their position in the workforce, and healthcare system or community (which is a darn shame!).

Best regards-
 
#5
Sorry that you're going through this QSR
Sorry if this pathetic post annoys anyone
It's not pathetic or annoying. Talking about things like this is what SF is for.
I recently made mistakes as a doctor and hurt people. It's horrible. My reputation is shot and I feel terrible. The hospital where I worked took advantage of my introversion and worked my three times harder than any other doctor in my department. I worked 12-15 hours a day for seven years and then got tired and sick and made mistakes. Now I am to blame, and I guess I am
It's inevitable that someone is going to make mistakes, especially if they've been pushed as hard as you've been for so long.

SF members (myself included) also sometimes make mistakes when responding to threads. Someone may get told their post made things worse. I've seen members here not take that well, and decide to stop posting on SF as a result, members who have overall done far more good than harm.

Of course, it's important to try to avoid making mistakes, but it's even more important to accept them when they happen. It sounds to me like you've done far more good than harm, and you've done it under very difficult circumstances.

Please forgive yourself. No reasonable person who really understood you would condemn you.

Now may be a good time to make some positive changes, like taking time off, and seeing a therapist. Particularly since you've been thinking of suicide, taking an antidepressant at least until you no longer feel suicidal sounds like a good idea.

You're a good person, QSR. You deserve something better than this.
 

SaFa61947

Kaiser Franz
#7
I'm 59. I've worked all my life to overcome a horrible childhood and teen years. I became a medical researcher and a doctor, after being a high school dropout. I recently made mistakes as a doctor and hurt people. It's horrible. My reputation is shot and I feel terrible. The hospital where I worked took advantage of my introversion and worked my three times harder than any other doctor in my department. I worked 12-15 hours a day for seven years and then got tired and sick and made mistakes. Now I am to blame, and I guess I am. I worked hard to escape a family that made me eat dog -hit and told me I was -hit all day long for 20 years. Such wonderful fundi Christians who drank, used drugs, and we very sadistic and promiscuous, all for Jesus of course. I've endured Russian roulette from an alcoholic psychopath stepfather, endless hate, bullying, and now after trying to overcome it all, my life is a mess. I feel like decades of hard work add up to nothing but failure. I am thinking about suicide. Sorry if this pathetic post annoys anyone.

Also one of my very, very few friends is dying of cancer. Life is bad.
I really appreciate this post. I've been researching about suicide between health professionals and I was surprised by the methods they used.

I thought "well, doctors know what vein to cut, they must know a way to kill themselves faster" and my research showed that they are all so desperate, that they use the same methods normal people use. There is a slight preference for a very common method, unfortunately I can't discuss them here, but it's worth noting -- they are so desperate that they choose the same methods as normal people.

My take is that people have to be so unstable when they actually commit suicide that it doesn't matter their field of experience, whatever knowledge they might have, in the end we're all humans in despair trying to fix our own desperation and pain.

It's a very well known fact that doctors are pushed to overwork, and what you described is unfair of course. Why one mistake should end your career, what about the thousands of people you helped? That should compensate.

I hope the mistake you described is not grave enough to make you lose your license. Remember gossips come and go, people forget and no one really cares about each other, not even the patients you helped. I wonder how many times you heard a "thank you" from any of them.

If shit hit the fan you can start a practice somewhere else to get rid of the rumours. Hope you doing fine since your first post. Don't lose hope. Strength and courage pays off in the end.
 
#8
Hey @QSR I'm sorry you've experienced all this. I just want to say the fact that you got tired and sick and made mistakes is not your fault. The hospital shouldn't have overworked you like that. I'm glad you found SF. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you, and we're glad to have you here.
Thank you
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#9
I'm 59. I've worked all my life to overcome a horrible childhood and teen years. I became a medical researcher and a doctor, after being a high school dropout. I recently made mistakes as a doctor and hurt people. It's horrible. My reputation is shot and I feel terrible. The hospital where I worked took advantage of my introversion and worked my three times harder than any other doctor in my department. I worked 12-15 hours a day for seven years and then got tired and sick and made mistakes. Now I am to blame, and I guess I am. I worked hard to escape a family that made me eat dog -hit and told me I was -hit all day long for 20 years. Such wonderful fundi Christians who drank, used drugs, and we very sadistic and promiscuous, all for Jesus of course. I've endured Russian roulette from an alcoholic psychopath stepfather, endless hate, bullying, and now after trying to overcome it all, my life is a mess. I feel like decades of hard work add up to nothing but failure. I am thinking about suicide. Sorry if this pathetic post annoys anyone.

Also one of my very, very few friends is dying of cancer. Life is bad.
Welcome to SF. My heart goes out to you for all that you’ve been and are going through.
 

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