I've had it.... done...losing it.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Give_me_a_reason, Jun 8, 2014.

  1. This may sound stupid and maybe even cruel and unloving but I need to get it out.

    I love my kids to death and I've been hiding my severe depression from them for the last 5 years. They are with me every second week, so I have a week with them and then one on my own. As my ex-wife is visiting relatives abroad I have had my boys for the last 2 weeks. Please don't get me wrong, I love them to death (no pun intended) but it is soooo difficult to hide my feelings of loneliness, hopelessness and despair for such a long time. I have the unrealistic idea that they will know how I feel and leave me alone at my darkest moments, but it's those moments that they say "what's for dinner" or "can I have money to....". I feel like a freaking butler and an instant ATM. Nothing more. I know it's not fair to the kids, but I'm currently having the feeling I'm going insane.
    I want to call an ambulance and go to the mental clinic, but I can't. Because the kids would worry. But in the meantime I feel I'm going insane. I actually think I'm going insane. I don't feel attached to reality, I'm like a zombie. My 10 year old sometimes asks me if I'm ok (he probably senses something wrong) and I try to assure him that daddy is ok. But daddy is not ok. Daddy is losing it. I shouldn't say this but I sometimes understand that people in the US grab a gun and do something really stupid. I guess it's a good thing I don't have access to drugs or guns because I think that that would be the end of me. Am I suicidal at this point? Absolutely. I'm having the worst depression ever. Triggered by losing my job (redundancy), not having had a partner for the last year (apart from the occasional 'one night stand' which leaves me with more agony than the memory of fake intimacy).

    I know I'm rambling but that is how my mind is working at the moment. I feel I'm only good for giving my kids money and cooking dinner. For the rest it feels like I have no value in their life. I'm thinking of just ending the misery, just stopping the agony and the daily burden of getting up in the morning and making it through the day. I'm glad when the kids are in bed so I can go to bed too, pull the blankets over my head and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Unfortunately, it isn't. It's the same torture day in day out. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it through this month....

    Need a break, just need a break. Does it make sense if I say I wish I had a heart attack? In hospital for a few weeks, a 'acceptable' reason for being away. Not going to a mental institution as that would be considered that daddy is crazy etc etc.

    I don't know. I really don't. I haven't explained anything about the rest of my situation so I must sound like a space cadet. Maybe I am. Anyway, thanks for reading, I just needed to vent.

  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just wanted you to know I read your post and am listening if you ever want to talk, or vent.