I've had it, I messed up my life, I can't bear this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iWantDeath, Jan 1, 2010.

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  1. iWantDeath

    iWantDeath Member

    Let's see

    Spent Thanksgiving in the ER <mod edit:methods>

    Spent Chrismas sleeping.

    Spent New Years Crying.

    For Chrismas and New Years, same for last 2 years.

    Rewind about 8 years ago.

    Wow I had a chance! I mean, some people don't even have a chance, but I had a chance!

    I fked up hooking up with about 10+ girls through high school.

    Fking up w/ College.

    2 Felonies for selling weed and vicodin.

    Most un greatful boss just fired me (on January 1st, fker started complaining how i wasn't answering on 12/31 and 12/30)

    I lost all my friends. I noticed they all use me. I told em all to go fk off.

    Now im here.


    Parents are out of town.

    No job.

    No school.

    I am at a loss; I already tried <mod edit:methods>

    The ONLY time I feel "not bad" is when im sleeping.

    Why can't I sleep forever?

    Edit: I don't have anyone to talk to and am capable of setting up some sort of thigie to do the deed but I dont know. yesterday i was driving around for 2 hours trying to get in a car accident but couldn't do it. i dont know?!?!?!??!?!

    Edit 2: I bet when I do it, everybody will go, well cant find smile but:

    Old Friend: Hey you hear "john" offed himself?

    Old Friend 2: Finally? Thank God.

    All Old Friends Rejoice in Celebration.

    I notice alot of people want to kill themselves to hurt their loved ones.

    I think, well, i'd be doing them a favor.

    Edit 3: And now im spending New Years Day the evening talking to strangers about killing myself. wow
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2010
  2. brokendoll83

    brokendoll83 Active Member

    My family will be crushed when I die. My so called friends wont even notice.
    I bet your family would miss you.
  3. iWantDeath

    iWantDeath Member

    havn't talked to my brother in years.

    parents (only family) deserve a break and will only get it if i atleast leave.

    i dunno whats to live for when EVERYTHING i spent all my time doing just counted for nothing.

    From social to whatever. i dunno. imma :rooster: 2 do it
  4. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Life is all about having direction, you need to find a new one. At least give it a try instead of killing yourself. Get a new job for a start and see how it goes, just go with the flow, good luck.
  5. iWantDeath

    iWantDeath Member

    its not just about the job

    its not just about the school

    its not just about the friends (lack thereof)

    the list goes on and on but EVERYTHING is fked rite now. i dunno i just dunno
  6. iWantDeath

    iWantDeath Member

    i turn 23 in january this month i dont think i'll be able to make it even if i feel better for a week or so my bday is gonna kill me.

    I never took a vacation in my life.

    I never did anything. Just a chum.

    Had chances and fked them up; thats what hurts the most.

    Work? Fk it, i can find better.

    But why? I felt like this 2 weeks ago and it wasnt even fk related
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you are feeling so shitty I really am and it is hard for you to see any hope right now but please dispel the loser mentality about being here. You are like us just a person in pain with few about you that you can get support from, who understand you and are not put off by your intense feelings.
    I wish I knew more about you and what has gotten you feeling this way tonight so I could reply better and more personally but I am off my game a bit tonight and of course just met you.
    Why don't you tell us what is up? You are among friends and people who understand so why don't you let us help you through what is obviously a tough time and has been for a while.
    We care and glad you are posting,
  8. iWantDeath

    iWantDeath Member

    What do you want to know I type very fast?

    I've been feeling like this for well sense around thanksgiving that was fun i went craazy and broke everything in the house and started to burn cigarettes into my arm (didnt hurt at all) and started cutting up my wrists ending up er overall no help (than again hard to fully open up)

    i dunno the only thing i enjoy is sleep sometimes i sleep allll day and when i wake up i feel sooo horrible having to go through another day.

    i can't even keep living in this area i need a new start i would do anything to just move across the country or something but again as I said i was given chances to have a good life and fked up every time so whateer i do will be failure is there something i can go to grocery store and eat that will kill me i heard Nutmeg poeple use as a drug if i take ALOTTTTT of it will it suck or just kill me?
  9. iWantDeath

    iWantDeath Member

    physical pain is so much easier than this.

    i dunno should i go for a walk?

    or a drive?

    should i smoke a blunt?

    i dunno. i dont like alcohol, or opiates, or really anything i dunno i like 2 sleep
  10. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    I think the job could be the catalyst to more chances, in order to build up you got to start at one point. I know the past hurts, you are dwelling on missed oppertunities, it hurts, but now you must make do with what you have now, even if it's little you can make it size-able, you need to cancel out the past by making something out of yourself today. Take it one step at a time, do what you feel you have to do, save up and move out, anything that helps. Device your life plan rather than your suicide plan.
  11. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Well you alluded to having HAD a chance or two but fucking them up how did that happen...i fucked up big time and then rebuilt my life, that was long ago but man I did a 180 and went back to college and changed careers the whole deal and i had a checkered past if you know what I mean going agaisnt me the whole time.
    Do you have anyone to give you support outside of here (here is great mind you!), friends? family? Maybe you could talk to a counselor or therapist type of person?
    Anything you feel like sharing I am here to listen and offer support....hey you can PM too if you feel more comfortable talking there...
    BTW where are you? like what country?
  12. iWantDeath

    iWantDeath Member

    In high school I was considering a very macho good looking guy.

    Many friends.

    Every single one of them through I was pimp.

    Many girl opportunities. Had em alone in my room and i just fked up like social anxiety.

    Fked up every single one.

    Very embarassing. I still have dreams of fking up. Like a damn broken record.

    Work is just something that is temp. i'll find another job imma web developer thats another thing good job but I CANNOT TALK TO NORMAL PEOPLE ABOUT WHAT I DO FOR WORK they will fall asleep and thus :-(


    I have OCD


    Edit: When I mean fked up w/ girl opportunities heres what I mean.

    Example One: Liked girl very much. She liked me even more (found out later). Would come over and chill. Than once SHE made a move; I frooze; nothing happened; never came over again.

    Example Two: Girl that I, I dunno, REALLLLLLY LIKED, liked me too, well, liked me when I was just always playing around w/ her and stuff (words flirting not physical) than I realized I really like this girl gave her too much attention and bye bye she goes

    This was all years ago these experiences have kept me from pursueing more from females now.

    Back than I used to lift weights like a CHAMP!!!!

    Now imma wimp


    I HAD the Drive

    I HAD the Motivation

    I HAD the (opportunity) for girls (what else can u ask for, i just wasn't able to seal the deal)

    I HAD this

  13. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Join the club, bro.
  14. iWantDeath

    iWantDeath Member

    I truely think that some people that love life had a good prior life and for them this is Heaven.

    And for me I suppose I did somethig bad prior life and this is hell.

    How crappy would it be to kill myself, live a whole nother crappy life cause i killed myself. cycle repeats. i dunno.


  15. iWantDeath

    iWantDeath Member

    im getting more angry than suicidenal (little of both) at moment i want to walk around neighborhood see a "friend" accidentily (hopefully) and just fk them up
  16. iWantDeath

    iWantDeath Member

    if you guys think imma chump your correct]

    if you think im here as a new poster your correct

    <mod edit:methods>

    still dont believe i'll make new ones for ya
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2010
  17. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    if you hit rock bottom. The only direction left is up. I hope you will feel diferent in a year or 2.
  18. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    I think I've said all I could, build back up bro, cancel out the past. Stop dwelling on it and work with what you have now. This is one of those situations where it's up to you to build back up, find a starting point and start there, you were also talking about moving out, why not? All I'm asking is please give it a try, you can become the person you were.
  19. tiredofit

    tiredofit Member

    I believe you are very serious and I am hearing you. No need to prove anything ok? You are believed. You are angry and want people to know how much you are hurting.. you are hurting so much you feel the need to do something drastic because your pain is drastic.

    It will pass though. It always does.. even when we truly believe it won't..
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2010
  20. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum.
    If your friends were using you,then you are better off without them. You were brave to tell them where to go.
    Did the hosptial refer you to anyone? Were you offered out patient treatment ?
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