I've had it with myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by plutoclubhouse, Nov 22, 2009.

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  1. plutoclubhouse

    plutoclubhouse New Member

    I can't help but wonder why people like me exist. Maybe it's just so people have something to use as an example for their kids to show them what not to grow up to be. I mean, I'm 19, fairly physically attractive, and I keep my grades up but I'm self-defeatingly socially awkward and don't have the most pleasant bundle of thoughts in my head at any given time.

    It's almost as if every time I feel any sort of motivation to do anything I break that motivation to pieces to understand all the subconscious elements involved, then I end up deciding whatever it is I was going to do is stupid and continue doing nothing. To add to that I'm always consciously aware of all of my personality flaws and I have no idea how to go about fixing them. Last night I had the worst mental/emotional breakdown I've ever had (and I've had alot) and I really wanted nothing more than for everything in my head to just shut up so I could fall asleep and wake up today and actually live for a change. But nope, I didn't get any sleep all night and I still feel horrible right now.

    I've been in therapy for 6 months and it hasn't really helped. My therapist is a great guy but he's very anti-modern psychology so I can't convince him that prescribing me medication would be beneficial since he thinks he needs to get to the core of the problem (which is most likely a combination of social awkwardness+mild trauma from my youth, not something just sitting there talking about it alone is going to fix).

    Well, I feel alot better after typing this out but I still don't have much hope. I really, really need some serious help. I don't want to die, I just want to be happy with myself but I don't see that happening.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey give your therapist a chance let him help you. You have to open up a bit so he can get in and fix the pain I don't understand not giving you meds though as it is proven meds with therapy works the best. Keep venting here okay let the thoughts out of your head here so you can think clearly take care.
     
  3. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey pluto,

    I get where you're coming from, especially the over-analyzing bit. The thing with me is that it tends to come and go. I have moments where I feel I can talk to anyone in the world, and others where I can't even talk to my family or friends. It's like my mind is either in complete overdrive or at a standstill.

    Therapy did help a little, and I guess I should try it again. The thing is that its a very long process and each case is different. The first few months of therapy almost did nothing for me. So I think you should just keep at it, see how it goes.

    You can always get a second opinion if your therapist doesn't want to prescribe meds.

    Anyway, take care and all the best!

    Max
     
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