I can't help but wonder why people like me exist. Maybe it's just so people have something to use as an example for their kids to show them what not to grow up to be. I mean, I'm 19, fairly physically attractive, and I keep my grades up but I'm self-defeatingly socially awkward and don't have the most pleasant bundle of thoughts in my head at any given time. It's almost as if every time I feel any sort of motivation to do anything I break that motivation to pieces to understand all the subconscious elements involved, then I end up deciding whatever it is I was going to do is stupid and continue doing nothing. To add to that I'm always consciously aware of all of my personality flaws and I have no idea how to go about fixing them. Last night I had the worst mental/emotional breakdown I've ever had (and I've had alot) and I really wanted nothing more than for everything in my head to just shut up so I could fall asleep and wake up today and actually live for a change. But nope, I didn't get any sleep all night and I still feel horrible right now. I've been in therapy for 6 months and it hasn't really helped. My therapist is a great guy but he's very anti-modern psychology so I can't convince him that prescribing me medication would be beneficial since he thinks he needs to get to the core of the problem (which is most likely a combination of social awkwardness+mild trauma from my youth, not something just sitting there talking about it alone is going to fix). Well, I feel alot better after typing this out but I still don't have much hope. I really, really need some serious help. I don't want to die, I just want to be happy with myself but I don't see that happening.