Sounds like you guys had alot running on him moving out and starting on with his life. Must be harsh for you.. sounds like he's disappointed you big time.
If you are paying for his bills(I dont know what) maybe you should stop. Maybe you should save up some money for 2-3months rent and then once u have it, tell him he is an adult now, and it's time he moved out in 30 days, giving him enough time to get his affairs in order, finding a place/getting more hours work. To help him out, you've saved him enough money for a few months rent, but after that he's on his own.
This part you might not like, but from me to you, it's important to remember he is your son, even if its no by blood, even if he has dissappointed you for over a decade. You sound very angry with him, you're angry with everything he does.. even his job, which, it's a job, not a tool to use against him in my opinon. I did drugs, have friends who i did them with, had a friend who dealt with. We all did jack all after highschool, but now we're all starting our lives. We all have jobs, live on our own, go to school now.. but at a certain part, we were in his position. I agree, its a bad place to get comfortable with, but to attack each point so harshly... i donno, im assuming its just under your skin and you're letting it out here and not with him. and i dont know him, he could beva total asshole, .. but he's just a young man now. He needs to leave the 'nest' so to say.
i don't know your history with your stepson, and to say he's made you miserable for 12years... i donno.. but joining the army? thats really extreme. im not surpized he backed out of that off of what youve said. its truly demanding. its not easy either leaving the people you know and the people who love. I know you,...really don't like him at this moment, but you might want to try looking at certain things from his perspective. Not to use them as an excuse, but to be able to start a communication that will help motivatevhim and make him realize without shouting and bringing him down that he's an adult and he has to look after himself very soon. ... i mean.. if you say he;'s made your life miserable for 12years... sounds like you two might be disconnected in a way or never did connect. its hard on kids, turning to drugs is a way they can free their minds in a sense.
He won't pay his bills and it comes back on us. We can't afford to pay our bills plus his. Whenever we try to talk to him about what he's going to do with his life and how he's going to pay his bills, he flies into a violent rage - yelling, cussing, throwing and breaking things. He expects US to pay his bills, and doesn't plan on moving out for years!
yeah... to me that sounds like he's really angry about something inside thats dug prettydeep. Either that or he doesnt realize what it means to survive. if there are some unfinished disputes or lack of certain things between you guys and your son, maybe you could attempt to talk to him, but i figure thats something he has to want to do, and its pretty draining. Propbably best that you stop paying his bills, inform him that anymore that come in in his name will not be paid by you. Stand your ground and tell him he has to move out soon. i mean, its either that, or do nothing which is er.. not a good idea.. or try to learn how to talk to eachother. cause he sounds disconnected from reality.. or something.
I honestly feel for you, i feel like shit for the hell ive put my parents through, ive draged them through so much, Ill never be able to repay them, but I will try, cause they were always there for me, despite my horrible behavior. I dont think you ever would, but dont turn your back on him. ..but let him know whos house he's in, whos money he's useing. dont bounce off his frustration. hes got to realize that no matter how much he bitches, it isnt going to change the calm cool truth.