I've had thoughts lately.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ashla86, Mar 28, 2007.

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  1. ashla86

    ashla86 Active Member

    Lately I've had thoughts about suicide even though I don't think I could really go through with it. My dad committed suicide when I was a little kid and when I think of what I went through and what my mom and sister went through because of it, it makes me go on. But it seems like things are getting worse instead of better. Today at work I kept going on in my head about what I could do to make it look like an accident and not look like suicide. Of course later when I was thinking about it I knew that it still wouldn't stop the people who love me from hurting because either way. It's my mom and sister that keep me going.
    And yet lately I have been writing down good-bye letters to everyone. I always rip them up in the end though. I write in my diary a lot and so I am always writing down exactly how I feel and that I love everyone just in case the diary is found when I am dead. I don't write that I am thinking of committing suicide though, just that I am unhappy and that I love everyone. I write it so that if they found it if I were to die in anyway like a car accident or something they will know that I love them.
    These thoughts are scaring me though. I don't want to think about killing myself. I have become bitter too. Most people at work think I am an anti-social person who isn't very nice when I am actually just the opposite. I like everyone and want to be social, i want to have friends but lately I just can't be happy. I am not good-looking at all and people are always making fun of me for it. Last night I was walking down the street and these group of people I don't even know walked by and yelled "Ew, that is the ugliest person I have ever seen in my life!"
    So when I went home I started to cry and started kicking things, then I did something I shouldn;t have. I went to a friends house that I know smokes pot and smoked one with them. I do not normally do drugs but everythig has been too much lately. I am going to be 21 in September and I have never had a boyfriend, I have never kissed a guy either. There is a guy I like but I know he will never go out with me because of the way I look. I am so sick of being me. I don't want to do it anymore. I am sick of being teased, I am sick of people hating me before they even get to know me. I am sick of being bitter and making people hate me because they think I am a snooty rude anti-social person. I like everyone and yet I find that I am always talking about someone behind their back even though I don't want to be like that. I don't want to talk about someone behind their back and I try to not do it but then as soon as someone starts talking about someone behind their back and I know the person I will start doing it too. I don't want to be like this. I want to be happy, I want to have friends again. I want to be loved.
    What can I do to make it all go away? How can I be happy? How can I let people realize that the angry me isn't really me? How can I make these thoughts go away? I don't want them, I know what suicide does to people so why can't I stop thinking about it?

    I know this is really long but as soon as I started typing I couldn't stop. I hope someone can help me.
  2. Well, for one thing is for certain, some tragedies can become the most amazing, beautiful things if you can manage to turn things around and really start hearing and seeing things in different ways. It's a struggle, though you can still be successful at achieving certain goals. Maybe not every one of them, though enough to at least keep you stable, somewhat happy, and suicide-free. I hope the best is possible for you, which as long as you remain alive, strive for it and experience the wonders of accomplishment as they begin to occur for you. Take care.
  3. TwilightKid

    TwilightKid Well-Known Member

    This is how people see me too - they think i am unsocial, maybe even unfriendly person but i am not like that at all! The problem is that i cant get close with anyone, no one really wants to be my close friend. I too feel unhappy becoz of that and i used to write a diary but now i am just tired of that. In that diary which i keep in my PC so no one can read it, i wrote all my true feelings and thoughts before i started taking the med. And recently i read it and OMG, its a completely different person from what i am now thanx to the med - every day seems like a big big misery, every word is just a cry for help and there are hundreds of "i hate myself", "i want to die", etc.
    I dont have friends too and the only aquantances i have got are online. Of course its not something like having a real friend but at least those are real people too just so far away from u. I think its very important that someone can actually understand u. Its also very important to let go of your feelings and u can do it in this forum. Sometimes i find it so hard to just sit and start typing what i feel but there is no other way to express my feelings. I hope u can feel better coz there are people who can understand u!
  4. Hereforyou

    Hereforyou Active Member

    I used to try to make friends and never got really close and people saw me as anti social. Anyways you have to put yourself out there kinda like marketing yourself, so people get to know who you are. When there is a chance, I always take the initiative to meet new people and keep in touch with them. Hope that helps.
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