Lately I've had thoughts about suicide even though I don't think I could really go through with it. My dad committed suicide when I was a little kid and when I think of what I went through and what my mom and sister went through because of it, it makes me go on. But it seems like things are getting worse instead of better. Today at work I kept going on in my head about what I could do to make it look like an accident and not look like suicide. Of course later when I was thinking about it I knew that it still wouldn't stop the people who love me from hurting because either way. It's my mom and sister that keep me going. And yet lately I have been writing down good-bye letters to everyone. I always rip them up in the end though. I write in my diary a lot and so I am always writing down exactly how I feel and that I love everyone just in case the diary is found when I am dead. I don't write that I am thinking of committing suicide though, just that I am unhappy and that I love everyone. I write it so that if they found it if I were to die in anyway like a car accident or something they will know that I love them. These thoughts are scaring me though. I don't want to think about killing myself. I have become bitter too. Most people at work think I am an anti-social person who isn't very nice when I am actually just the opposite. I like everyone and want to be social, i want to have friends but lately I just can't be happy. I am not good-looking at all and people are always making fun of me for it. Last night I was walking down the street and these group of people I don't even know walked by and yelled "Ew, that is the ugliest person I have ever seen in my life!" So when I went home I started to cry and started kicking things, then I did something I shouldn;t have. I went to a friends house that I know smokes pot and smoked one with them. I do not normally do drugs but everythig has been too much lately. I am going to be 21 in September and I have never had a boyfriend, I have never kissed a guy either. There is a guy I like but I know he will never go out with me because of the way I look. I am so sick of being me. I don't want to do it anymore. I am sick of being teased, I am sick of people hating me before they even get to know me. I am sick of being bitter and making people hate me because they think I am a snooty rude anti-social person. I like everyone and yet I find that I am always talking about someone behind their back even though I don't want to be like that. I don't want to talk about someone behind their back and I try to not do it but then as soon as someone starts talking about someone behind their back and I know the person I will start doing it too. I don't want to be like this. I want to be happy, I want to have friends again. I want to be loved. What can I do to make it all go away? How can I be happy? How can I let people realize that the angry me isn't really me? How can I make these thoughts go away? I don't want them, I know what suicide does to people so why can't I stop thinking about it? I know this is really long but as soon as I started typing I couldn't stop. I hope someone can help me.