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I've hit the wall of life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WoodyJames, Apr 2, 2013.

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  1. WoodyJames

    WoodyJames Member

    To start off my parents split when I was 9 months old. I never got to see my father and just before Christmas when I was 5 I was told I'd get to meet him for the first time. Days latter his new wife's ex broke into his house and killed my father, my step mother and my two step sisters before killing himself. I spent my whole life trying to be like my father and when I turned 18 my mother told me they split up and he wasn't allowed to see me or my sister because she had accused him of molesting my sister. He was never convicted and all of his friends and family have said it was a lie created by my mother to gain full custody of her kids. Months ago I got in an argument with my mother and I wanted the conversation to end so I said as an expression that "I might as well get a gun and shoot myself". I did not own a gun and I had no intention of killing myself but she called 911 and had me committed based on a false report full of exaggerations. No one believed me when I tried to tell them the truth and they held me for 10 days and put me on medication that makes me want to kill myself. I've told lots of people this and they refuse to change the medication to something that will help. While I was in the hospital my best friend and mentor died of a brain tumor and I never got to say good bye to him or go to his funeral (he was the father I never had). Months latter she put together another false report and had me committed a second time again for 10 days. As a result of the first two hospitalizations I lost my home and had to live in my car (it's a two seater sports car so not fun). About a month into living in my car I did try to kill myself but was rushed to the er and put back in a mental institution for another 10 days. After I got released again I got and held a job despite living in my car. While I was working my hardest to get myself back on my feet Sound Mental Health told me I was refusing treatment because my anxiety prevents me from attending groups but they wont help me with my anxiety. My case manager there told me I needed to quit my job and live in a homeless shelter so I could attend their day program. I refused to do this because the day program is doing work their like gardening or dishes and they give you a sandwich. I was/am working at a pizza place where I not only get a pay check but free pizza as well because my boss knew I was living in my car (in my eyes I was doing the better of the two choices I had). In December I finally saved enough money to get a place and I moved into a house with two other people. A month or so ago I had stopped by my mothers to get some things and we got in an argument about what she has done to me and my life. She called the police and had me taken to jail and now there is a no contact order so I can't talk to her if I wanted to or even go to family functions such as Christmas, Easter, or thanks giving. There was no need for the no contact order as I have never once in my life hit her or anyone else. I never have been a danger to her or anyone else. Most of my stuff is still at my mothers house and I'm not allowed to get it and this is making my job and daily life more difficult as all my tools and spare parts for my car are at her house. I now have to pay court fines and these along with my car insurance, food and other daily costs are threatening my ability to pay rent and maintain a home. I'm currently looking at having to go to jail on the 11th because I can't afford the $25 payment that is due at that time. I have less than $5 in food stamps to get me to the 7th so eating will only be free food from work for the next week. I already had to take out a payday loan to afford gas to be able to work and go to my doctor appointment so I can't take out another one for my court fines and food. On top of this my mother has lied to my entire family and told them everything about my trips to the hospital which it is not her right to do so. My sister refuses to talk to me because of what my mother has said. I have no friends to talk to, I have no girlfriend I can share this with, I call the crisis line regularly but they only talk to you for 30min and I don't get much past telling my story before I get cut off. I've lost everything and I don't see any reason to try anymore. And this is only the tip of the iceberg that I'm dealing with right now.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I read every word you wrote and can only terll you how sorry I am that your mother is the way she is. How horrible it is what she has done to you and consequently whhat has happened. I am glad you found this community. Please use this place as a lifeline. Talk on threads. See if the chatroom feels okay for you to talk in. Although that is usually for light banter. For socializing. But the threads often are for more serious matters for sure.

    I wish you had some kind of support system. some sort of group you could join irl. I hope that you do not have to go to jail. Shame on your mother. She is the opposite of what a mother is supposed to be. She harms instead of protecting. You have a good boss? Have you thought of trying to call the united way and seeing if there is any agency that might be able to help? With some sort of support? of some kind? There are people who answer the phone who have files with all sorts of angencies. you can tell them what you have tried. But tell them you need more. Explain your financial and emotional situation because of your mom. Tell them you need to find an advocate. Anyone who can help. See what they say. Call more than once if you need to. Different people there often find different resources. I am not saying they will have help. But it is at least worth a try?? If you live in King county in seattle, then you can call united way at 206) 461-3700 But of course this would be only if it felt right for you to call. You know best if calling would be right to do. And again, shame on your mother for being the opposite of what a mother is supposed to be. You deserve much better.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2013
  3. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    I will pray for your mother to stop trying to hurt you, I will also pray for you to get the money to avoid going to jail.

    I would recommend that you don't look for your mother, as every time you do, she hurts you, stay strong and everything will start turning the right way, God bless you
  4. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    I agree, stay away from your mother until you have settled at least some of your issues. After everything you've gone through, and I'm sure it's only the tip of the iceberg, give your self the credit you so clearly deserve in surviving your incredible life.
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    agree with Born again and Exkend. Stay far away from her. Its too dangerous for your health to do anything else :( I am sorry. because you deserve so much better
  6. WoodyJames

    WoodyJames Member

    flowers - I went to see my doctor a few hours after I posted this and he finally gave me something just for anxiety. I started taking it right away and I hope it makes a difference in my anxiety because then I might feel comfortable going to a NAMI group and meeting people. I have also been looking for a new doctor that could help me more but I have had a vary hard time finding one that takes medicaid and is still accepting new patients.

    BornAgain, exkend, and flowers - I have been staying away from her and I plan to continue doing so in the future. It is hard because I deliver pizzas in her neighborhood and I see her or her house on a daily basis and it reminds me of what my life used to be like. Most days I avoid even coming close to her house but I'm always reminded of the past when I drive past a place I used to hangout at when I was a teenager.

    BornAgain - I've never been a religious person but for some reason I think you helped last night. A few days ago I posted an ad on craigslist looking for someone to talk to. I have been emailing a nice women since then and just talking to her has helped a lot. I was really down last night and she felt compelled to take me out for a meal because I had yet to eat. After the meal she insisted on helping me with my court fine. I was extremely reluctant to take anything from her because all I wanted was an ear and she had already given me that plus a meal. I felt bad about it but in the back of my mind I knew it was my only chance. I went and put the money she gave me in my account and payed my court fine with the automated system last night. I still feel bad about accepting money from her but I know I would have had to stand on a corner and beg for money if she didn't help me.
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Please try to not feel bad about accepting money. I can give you a couple of reasons why:
    first: maybe an :angel: led her to read craigs list and answer you. and then help you.
    second: I believe it helps us to help others, when we can. I believe it connects us to our heart..... and more.
    Third: you can use this to make a pledge to yourself that you will somehow pay it forward. That doesnt have to mean giving money. Its more about giving whats needed the most.

    As i see it, when someone is in need, and a person who can, offers to help. Then it is a win win situation. Perhaps you gave her a gift of connection to her heart by accepting her help. Just a thought :D I call people like that angels. They are not real angels. But who knows, they may have been sent by one. okay fine, I love angels. Guess I didnt have to say that. But I do not attach them to a religion. I dont have one.
  8. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    WoodyJames, when I had no food to feed my children, somebody told me "God always provide, just ask and you will receive", I thought "yeah right", but in my desperation, I believed and prayed sincerely, the next day an aunt showed up with 2 bags of groceries out of nowhere, then I forgot and stopped praying, few days before my attempt I was at a grocery store with a cousin, she wanted to buy me a gallon of milk, I was very proud and said no, when I was dying to take it, I should have asked or begged to feed my children... but I didn't, I resorted to die before asking or even accepting from others, it is the second stupidest thing I've ever done (first is the attempt), I lost my children and almost left them without a father.

    You should be proud of yourself by accepting the money, it's not easy sometimes, you did good. Few months ago I stopped two homeless people and told them that I didn't want to offend them, but wanted to help them with something, one of them (tall and strong guy), gets on one knee, bend his head and tells me "hit me in the head if I don't accept your help", I started crying and explained to them that I didn't ask for help when I most needed it and that they should be proud of themselves to ask when they need, to seek for help.

    Take care, I hope you feel better and will keep you in my prayers.
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