I do not remember the last time I have posted in this section but I feel like if I don't now I am just gonna let it boil and boil and I will blow. I have had it up to my eye balls and I can't just take it anymore. No matter what I do in life I feel like it isn't good enough. I still blame myself for my fiance's suicide and I know that it IS NOT my fault but I just can't seem to accept that. I blame myself for everything that I have been through in my life and I am just sick to death of doing that. It is my father's fault that I am deadly affraid of being around guys I don't know when they are drinking. I am tired of constantly looking over my damn shoulder and being affraid of him or one of his damn friends coming after me. I mean ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THEM ALL!!! Why am I letting them win? Why am I affraid to go to places and do things I used to do all the time just because of THEM!!! When will it all end? Will it all END? I have asked myself these questions time and again and have yet to come up with an answer. Now I am going to vent at my fiance who is dead!! WHY DID YOU DO IT? WHY in the hell did you put your DEATH on my shoulders? Yes, I know you probably didn't mean to but when you wrote me the notes that you did that is exactly what you did. HOW could YOU not trust in me? How could you not love me enough to know that I wouldn't just give up on you and leave you because of what you did while you were drunk. DAMN YOU for causing me so much pain and misery. DAMN YOU for making me feel this way 5 years on. Why did you do it? Why couldn't you come to me. NOT only did I LOSE you I LOST our daughter too. How do you think that made me fee? DAMN YOU DAMN YOU DAMN YOU!!! Why am I still so angry with you? When will the pain cease? When will I be able to think of you and not be angry and feel like I hate you?