I've lost all hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rogerfeldman, May 3, 2015.

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  1. rogerfeldman

    rogerfeldman Member

    My life has always been a train wreck:

    Age 6- The root of all problems, this is when it all started. From elementary to high school, I was constantly bullied and brought down by my classmates, never had any friends and girls always looked at me with disgust, like I was some creepy monster. This had its effect on self-esteem and outlook on life.
    Age 12- Made one friend, who was also like me, we had a wonderful friendship, even though we were constantly being bullied, even girls(who are normally more sensitive to this matters) bullied me.
    Age 16- Made some decent friends, also had a good time with them, even though they were only good for partying and stuff. Ended up becoming my enemies and wishing me hell.
    age 18- Entered college, lost my friend because he started dating, watched as all my high-school friends surpassed me in every way possible.
    Age 19- After changing majors, I no longer see my friends from the previous course, and I'm now stuck with people I don't really appreciate.

    Yesterday I finally realized how much of a fucking failure I am: no friends, too terrible to make my dreams of having an unconventional career come true, girls run away from me like I'm an axe murderer, how no one never loved me and how, even though I have the biggest and warmest heart on the planet(accompanied with good looks), no one can see through my shy and introverted outside and, as a consequence, no one will ever love me, no one will ever have an interest in me. Absolutely no one knows about this, no not even my parents(since they're too stupid to understand it), I'm keeping my grades high and a smile on my face.

    I'm tired of living in this fucking world, I just can't stand looking at my future when all I see is disgrace, misery, loneliness and mediocrity. I feel like a time bomb, tick tick ticking... Someday there's going to be a boom, and my existence will come to an end. I've lost all hope.
  2. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    Your history sounds pretty similar to mine. I've constantly been avoided by girls and bullied, as well as had friends leave my side. Being antisocial and having social anxiety is tough, people are not very accepting.

    However, I'm most definitely more of a "failure". I don't even do well in school. I've failed and dropped numerous courses, wasted a ton of money and time, and I've gotten nowhere close to what can be called "success". But, I managed to find happiness. And I'll tell you how.

    Let's go for a flashback.
    I was ready to die, I had no friends, getting bullied, had my grade 11 finals coming up, my grades were absolute shit, and worst of all I had no dreams or motivation.
    I ran away from my house to go end myself, but I ended up not going through with it. My parents called the cops to search for me, they found me and brought me to a hospital.
    Some things happened there, I talked to a friendly cop, a really bitchy psychiatrist who made me feel worse, and my mom came to pick me up after they determined I wasn't to be sent to some kind of institution that deals with suicidals like myself. I'm not quite sure what it was. Maybe it was the friendliness of the cop, the fear of causing my mother grief, but I decided to cut out my emotions for the time being and just start studying like a robot to pass my exams. I was successful, scraped up my passing grade, and my summer began.

    I spent the first couple days just watching anime (yes, I know it's nerdy, but it was my escape from reality, and I loved it more than anything). I spent a lot of time on anime chats, and ended up meeting one friendly person there who proceeded to ask me for my skype, and we ended up becoming very good friends. I didn't feel lonely anymore, I wondered to myself, why didn't I start trying to make friends online before? it should've been obvious, but I guess I figured that online relationships had no meaning. But I was so wrong to assume that. On the internet, people don't hide behind their fake persona, their conformist mask that they wear in the real world. Give everyone a mask (the anonymity of the internet) and their true nature comes out. I found it incredibly easy to find people who were genuine. If they were nasty, I often figured it out right away, and people who were nice to me actually meant it. Not to say that I haven't been tricked before, by someone being fake online, but it's just so much easier to find "real" people here.

    I got absorbed in games, anime, and talking to my friends, and my days were very enjoyable and fun. They didn't leave me like the "best friends" I had made in real life. Even when school started back up again, even though I was lonely there, I knew that when I got back home my internet friends would be there to talk to.

    Now that I wasn't so lonely, I started to look for more reasons to enjoy my life. I tried different things, started to find out that I found great joy in creating things. I started to draw, started to try making games, gave music composition a shot, started learning how to cook. There's bound to be something in this world that you enjoy doing, and once you find it, you can develop a motivation- a dream.

    I'm in culinary school right now, but I'm also developing my skills as an artist in my free time, and it's my goal to become really good.

    As for the girl situation, I've still not had luck. I've dated online and had my heart crushed after years of caring and one-sided love. But, my online pals were there for me when I needed it, they helped me back on my feet and gave me words of encouragement, and I was always there for them too when they needed to talk about their problems.

    I also would like to say that, when things are going badly, you often take the things you love in life for granted. There is a lot of magic in the world, even if it's often overshadowed by the bad things. Through death, you leave behind everything you love, you hurt people that love you, and worst of all you give up any chance at a happy future- as it'd just be over.

    I don't mean to boast or brag about having made such good friends or anything like that, but I just wanted to get my point across; go try to make some friends online! maybe you could even start with me, if you're interested anyways. Just shoot me a pm. The amount of amazing introverted people on the internet, it's really quite shocking, and it's a lovely place a lot of the time, if you know where to look. Best of luck, hope you can find some really good friends!
  3. Hi rogerfeldman,
    While reading your post, one thing that really struck me was the anger at how hard things have been and how unfairly people have treated you. I know from personal experience that holding all that anger in can really tear you apart. I'm glad that you came to this site and felt comfortable enough to express some of what is eating at you. I know that life can be really shitty at times, but it actually can get better (I didn't always believe that). I hope that you continue to express your feelings on this site. One thing that everyone here has in common is that we all know about the burning hell of depression.
  4. rogerfeldman

    rogerfeldman Member

    I'm glad you found happiness, GreySilence! May God bless you and those you love. I'm proud of you, my friend! I don't know you, but through text, you sound like an amazing catch, and you deserve this! And I can guarantee that you'll find someone. You're into something you love, and that's exteriorizes positivity, which girls love! :)
    It hurts really bad. I'm to the point where I have to work hard to make eye contact with a girl, since they all shamed me, teased me and laughed at me. I don't want to die alone, I have so much to offer to a girl, I can make a girl feel like a princess, but they either ignore me or give me a really bad look... I fucking hate it. Why does this happen to me?
  5. rogerfeldman

    rogerfeldman Member

    I'm glad I found some people on the internet who understand it. Thank you, I really appreciate it. Most sites are full of fucking idiots who make you feel even worse...
  6. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much for the encouraging words T^T

    But yeah, eye-contact is something I've never really been able to do consistently either. Like, every now and then I'll get the courage to look someone in the eye, then I just feel awkward and look away till I build up courage again.

    Those girls who laugh at or tease you, they're not girlfriend material anyway- it doesn't matter if they're attracted to you or not because they're not worth your time. It's just bad luck that you haven't come across the right girl yet, I mean encounters are pretty much random- but don't lose hope! you'll probably meet her one day, and she'll appreciate you, cause you certainly seem like a nice and caring person x3
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Just want to let you know we are always here for you. Were not like 'most sites', here we understand if we can, help and encourage you so keep talking to us here, we don't tolerate idiot trolls for a second. Purely peer to peer support :) PM me if you ever need someone to listen.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 10, 2015
  8. rogerfeldman

    rogerfeldman Member

    I mean, but we need confidence to get someone, and I'm not confident as a lion, and I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not ready to face the rest of my life alone. I just can't... Lots of people told me that she's out there for me like it's granted, but there may not be someone for me...
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Why not work to build up your confidence? I have self esteem issues myself but I try and hide that by humour or by presenting myself well. She will be out there for you...when you build up your confidence and feel at ease with your surroundings, it takes time. It does but that doesn't mean you should give up. You seem like a nice good person, its you holding yourself back. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. Learn to like yourself, even your flaws and you'll be more relaxed and cool.
  10. rogerfeldman

    rogerfeldman Member

    That's the problem. I accepted myself as I am, people won't accept me back...
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