Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND EX.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by notwanting2live, Aug 7, 2008.

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  1. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Hi Im sorry to bore you all with my problems once again, i really do apoligise,m its just i cant talk to anyone in realtiy. especially not now.

    I ended up in the cells again on sunday night, so ive been detained for mental health assessment, they have already done a few of those as i have said in previous posts. its becuase i was found in public toilets. off my face covered in blood. i had cut deep and there was quite bit of blood. i didnt do my wrists, but i did my top arms, my stomach and my legs [i will come to that in a minute]. I was then taken the A&E where they cleaned me up. they then said that they were going to phone my parents, to tell them that i need to be picked up for a place of safety. i refused them that right as i dont want my parents to think that im still scrweing up, especially when im drinking. so they said that the police where coming. i freaked out completely [ was also on aerosols yet again] and obscoundered. police found me about 1 hr later as i had passed out, and the next thing i remember is back in A&E to be checked over. I was then taken to the police station and detained for a place of safety. I have since then been detained for mental health act, to see what is happening to me, they are unsure why i am suffering the voices, in other words they dont believe me. simple fucken as. As i mentioned before i self harmed on my body in places. my arms and legs are fine, except 2 of the cuts are infected, like fuck am i getting it checked tho, part of the punishment for being alive i guess. my stomach on the other ahnd, [wandering if this happened to anyone before] all around the cuts there is bruising and quite badly as well, not that i give to shits about but im just wandering about if that is normal or not.
    Another thing im losing more and more control each day, and ive lost it now, i dont even care bout my job, i am actually tempted to just take shit loadsa pills that theyve got at my work [im a care assistant, so can access them easily] and take them, and that be me over, hopefully. i hate life, i hate having to pretend to peope that im ok, that i aint feeling suicidal and that i dont want to die. i have to go to see my shrink 4 times a week, and ive already missed my first one today my excuse is that im working so i cant make it. they have tried signing me off again but that aint happening. like fuck is it.
    the police made contact with me yesterday about the rape case, and they asked me to go see them to sign some forms about accessing my medical history, including my mental health. they are going to turn that against me if this goes to court and i dont want them to it will distroy me completely.
    the rape pushed me over the edge, completely, and i thought i could deal with it but not after everything. i cant do any of this anymore. im feed up of fighting a lost batle. people want me to get off aerosols and drink but i cant. ive started to use a bit of weed now and again, but dont rally enjoy it so much as aerosols, and also aerolsols are much much cheaper (!)
    sorry to go on like this, im just feelign really really shit at the moment, and i feel as if i will find a way to die.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 7, 2008
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    Hello,
    You really need to get off the aerosals!!!! They do some major damage to your brain!!!! Do you want to live like a vegetable? Keep doing the aerosals and you will be. That has to be one of the worst ways to catch a buzz!!!
    From the way you are always ending up at the police station you are lucky they haven't admitted you to state hospital!!! There is help out there you just need to seek it out!!! Please take care!!! You also need to enter a detox facility to get you sober. If I can do it anyone can. I was a major druggie, my favorite was chocolate mesquiline. That had to be the best. Any how I dried myself out and the older I get the easyer it is to stay away from it. The only time I drink from thanksgiving to christmas.
    Take Care and Stay Safe!!!!
     
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    Seek help hun. It really will help you straighten your lilfe out :hug:
     
  4. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    For your own sake, don't miss another appointment with the therapist. You need their help in getting your life under control. Do aerosals only if you want to fry your brain.
     
  5. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    i do want to seek help, but i cant, i find it so hard to talk to people, like in person becuase they judge me, and just think im stupid. also what i say sounds raelly stupid to them, and they just thinks it a joke. ive been good today i havent used aerosols, i do want to get off them, but i cant do it by myself. that said coming back to my therapists, its hard to admit that i need help to get off something, that you cant actually become pyshcially adicted to, only become pyschologicaly dependent on. i have already been sectioned twice, and they are trying to section me again, to re-assess me, although each time they are saying that i only am emotionally unstable, and that i just need intense therapy. they have been trying to wonder if i have somethin to do with split personallity or something, as i tend to be like mr jackel and hyde kind of thing. i dont think ive got it, as i would no wouldnt i? i cant talk to people as it really is hard to express what is through my head. i dont even cry in front of people, and i dont like crying on my own. apart from yesterday i aint cried for ages, becuase i cant, as i get scared that i am showing my weakness and everything. last time i saw my counsellor she told me that i should at least cry a bit as it may let of a bit of steam, but its easier said than done. i dont want to become a vegtable, but yet agian, i wont be able to think so i wont remeber any of my pains, or have any fears or anything, would i, so you no, obviously i wont go that far, as i will probably end up dead by then [with much luck]. the rape case is really freaking me out at the moment, and i am freaking out so much about it, as i dont think the police beleive me and stuff. also they asked me to sign medical forms so they can access my mental health records, so if the thing goes to court, then they will use it against me, becuase they will say that i am to emotionally unstable to press chargers, and the basterd will be cleared. it really is freaking me out. ive been told that if he is cleared he is welcome to come over here, and im scared to see him. my brother is coming over this week for 2 weeks, and im freaking out about that as well, as i hate him coz of what he did, and what he could still do. doenst matter if im an adult or not.
    im just struggling with all of this at the moment, and i am constantly feeling harsh becuase i cant help others all the time as i dont no what to say, when i cant deal with all my probelms. this is making it so much worse.
    Work is okies, i guess but recently ive started to freak out that everyone is talking about me, and that they hate me. i really do want to die rught now, and i am really tempted. i cant even tel my parents, or speak to anyone as they dont seem to care, and if i tell them they will just be like dont be stupid, and then just leave it like that. i need support, i understand that they dont no how to deal with it, but i need support even if they call someone that can deal with it like one of my sisters, or a family friend, that helped me last time. im so struggling, and i really dont no what to do. i really need to cry again, but i cant [as i have already said] and its just going to turn into anger on myself, and i will end up cutting again, like i did yerterday. sorry for the long rabble again. dont mean to bore people.
     
  6. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    I understand both the not being able to cry and the not wanting to talk about what's going on inside. I discovered 2.5 years ago that they were connected. I had kept lots of things inside, never told anyone. I was in a mental health treatment home and realized that if I didn't tell someone what I'd hidden all my life, I would die. Telling a therapist is when the tears started. I hadn't cried for a lot of years, but now I couldn't stop - until I got out. Then the tears dried up again. But talking had a huge effect on me. It's been 2 years since I attempted and I have told everything about myself to a psychotherapist, and suicidal thoughts have diminished - not totally gone, but I've learned to cope with them.

    My daughter was raped a month ago, and we've all been walking through the nightmare together. Still more hearings to come. It's such a slow process and very painful for her. We won't know the outcome for a while. I don't suppose any two rapes are the same, so I can't know what you've been through, but I know that it's a life-changing experience. You'll deal with it for a long time, and I'm sorry it has to happen that way.

    I've found that it's a lot easier to write down my thoughts that it is to speak them. It gives me time to find the right words and say how I'm feeling more accurately. I've sent several things to my therapist that I wrote, and I think it helped him understand me better. If that works for you, you might give it a try.

    I'm happy to hear you were able to stay off the aerosal. I know it took determination. Keep us posted how things are going.
     
  7. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    So sorry for these recent developments.....

    That is a very hard place to be.....between wanting to die and hoping something or someone will rescue you from these daily torments.

    I know you said that you are tired of pretending, but have you thought that maybe it is time to quit pretending let those around you know that you are NOT okay????....they don't have to know every detail at all.


    It becomes a secondary condition to being depressed. That is, the avoidance. For example, pretending that you are okay, only represses those thoughts and feelings that want to release---becoming volatile. Like these recent events. It becomes a cycle over and over.

    Have you accepted the rape and/or do you blame yourself?
     
  8. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    Heya,

    Mental history will help your case. I promise. I would get help if I was you...it would help with the case as well as getting you through it. I think that what the police ask for you should give them. If it went to court you would not have to face him on the grounds of your medical history making you vulnerable.

    As I gave you in my pm. I am here to talk whether I am on here or not. Let me know how you are getting on.

    :hug:

    Sam
    xxx
     
  9. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    heya, ermm yeah i havent stayed off the areosols, i did them later that day, as i just couldnt cope. i find writing things down as well easier than speaking, but then i get to scared to show them to people, and i end up just throwing them away, and i feel that its done nothing for me. I havent accepted the rape, if i hadnt been there then it wouldnt of happened, i shouldnt have been there. it was my fault becuase if i hadnt been drinking, then i wouldnt of been walking home so late, and i wouldnt of been vulnerable. it was my fault. im scared to show my true self to people, becuase they will be like thats not true as yuo have been fine, and youve been happy. they wont believe me that i am upset or something. I wish my parents supported me through the rape more than they have. my dad told me, i think it was on the day of the rape or somthing, he siad i deserved to be raped.
    if i go pyshco people seem to think that im doing it for attention, but things get so much for me. i was in cells last week as i have said on another thread. im not dealing with anything.
     
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    I am so sorry things have become so painful...you say you are afraid to talk to ppl, which is one factor keeping you from getting help...maybe you can rehearse with someone how the interaction will go and what you can expect...sounds better than where you have been lately...big hugs, `J
     
  11. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    You did not deserve to be raped.
    You did not ask to be raped.
    You do not deserve any blame.
    You deserve to be respected - starting with your father.
    When it goes to court don't say a word about deserving it or asking for it. For one thing, neither is true, and for another, arraignment juries love to jump on that and put blame on the victim. That's what they did to my daughter in a fact-finding jury, and they never even asked her to tell her story of what happened. They just assumed a pretty girl would wear clothes to attract attention and would make a guy want to sexually assault her. The DA was furious and held it over. Second time, they charged the guy.

    I understand doing or wanting to do things when life is totally bad. If it weren't for two things, I'd have done myself in long ago. First, suicide would cancel my life insurance and my wife would be hung out with no resources. Second, I really want to be around for my son's wedding in January. So, that gives me several months to decide on a way that would appear accidental.

    I hope you'll at least back off on the aerosals, with the goal of quitting ASAP. I know that it's hard just to stop any addiction cold turkey.

    I can tell from your words here that you write well. It might be easier to mail the things you write to your therapist or whomever, than to hand them over in person. I've done that with ground mail and email. That gives them time to read it carefully and be better prepared for your visit. And it gives me all the time I want to pull together the words that would best describe how I feel and how I want them to respond to my words. It gives you an advantage of being heard through without interruptions or questions. I wouldn't want to hand a letter like that in person.
     
  12. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    My dad doesnt seem to care for anyone part from himself, and he seems to think that i am to blame as i was drinking. he doesnt like me drinking, becuase according to him i have a drink problem. I no i am partly to blame as i shouldtn of been there, and i should have went a different route home.
    I doubt that they will think that with me as i am a very large gal, and also what i was wearing. i was in jeans, a hoodie and pair of trainers, you no. i think thats why the police dont believe me, simple becuase im too fat to be attacted to. dont blame them tho, i really dont.

    Not alot of people know i am on aerosols, and they seem to think that drinking is my biggest problem but it isnt. aerosols is. i no i dont have a problem, but i no that it aint normal to go through about 6 cans a day [and thats when im working 12 hrs - i dont do it at work - except a few times]
    i drink and do aerosols, at least my parents no that im not an illegal drug user!
    ive cut down alot since ive been working as i used to be on them constantly, basically being mashed out of my head everyday from drink and alcohol.

    I enjoy writing, but i dont like people reading stuff that is private to me, if that makes sense. only my best friend reads it, and thats only sometimes. i dont no if its becuase when we talk about it i get really ashamed of what i am, and who i am, and stuff. Tonight im feeling shitter already and its only like 830 or something like that. ive used aerosols about 20 mins ago, but thats jsut so i can exscape from so much. i hate being in reality. its a big bonus if i die, with each can finishing i wish the next one will kill me. i find that it helps me to think that the next one COULD kill me. sorry going on again. sorry. im just finding things so hard at the moment, and i feel that the world and its brothers are against me, and that im really better off dead.
     
  13. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    i cant sleep now, becuase so much suicidal thoughts are going through my head, and i wish that they would stop. my shrink said to me today, that i definetly havent got a mental illness, sometimes i wish i did, then there would be explainations why im having these thoughts and voices in my head, and also i might be able to get drugs to stop them, but i cant. i just cant sleep and i no its one of the 1st signs that im going outta control once again.
     
  14. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    May I make a suggestion? Get a second opinion. Your depth of suicidal ideation certainly makes a case for mental illness of some sort. You can find the help you need.
     
  15. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Re: Ive lost control once again and i cant get it back.. ***MAY TRIGGER LANGUAGE AND

    they dont recknon i got a mental illness [sorry bit drunk] but they honselty rekon that i aint got no mental illness as they can tel by blood or somethin. i dont want ot have a mental illness, so i dont get branded but all of this shit not nowing whats wrong with me and shit is reallyi annoying me. im finding it really hard to not do studf they dont want me to such as drinking an d aerosols but you no its rslly hard not to. i just want to no why i keeo on going off the rails, and wgy im losing control again. its realkly hard for me. im struggling so much. i cant go back to hosptal for safewty as they wont he;p mr they wiill just call police and i dont want that.
     
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