Hi Im sorry to bore you all with my problems once again, i really do apoligise,m its just i cant talk to anyone in realtiy. especially not now. I ended up in the cells again on sunday night, so ive been detained for mental health assessment, they have already done a few of those as i have said in previous posts. its becuase i was found in public toilets. off my face covered in blood. i had cut deep and there was quite bit of blood. i didnt do my wrists, but i did my top arms, my stomach and my legs [i will come to that in a minute]. I was then taken the A&E where they cleaned me up. they then said that they were going to phone my parents, to tell them that i need to be picked up for a place of safety. i refused them that right as i dont want my parents to think that im still scrweing up, especially when im drinking. so they said that the police where coming. i freaked out completely [ was also on aerosols yet again] and obscoundered. police found me about 1 hr later as i had passed out, and the next thing i remember is back in A&E to be checked over. I was then taken to the police station and detained for a place of safety. I have since then been detained for mental health act, to see what is happening to me, they are unsure why i am suffering the voices, in other words they dont believe me. simple fucken as. As i mentioned before i self harmed on my body in places. my arms and legs are fine, except 2 of the cuts are infected, like fuck am i getting it checked tho, part of the punishment for being alive i guess. my stomach on the other ahnd, [wandering if this happened to anyone before] all around the cuts there is bruising and quite badly as well, not that i give to shits about but im just wandering about if that is normal or not. Another thing im losing more and more control each day, and ive lost it now, i dont even care bout my job, i am actually tempted to just take shit loadsa pills that theyve got at my work [im a care assistant, so can access them easily] and take them, and that be me over, hopefully. i hate life, i hate having to pretend to peope that im ok, that i aint feeling suicidal and that i dont want to die. i have to go to see my shrink 4 times a week, and ive already missed my first one today my excuse is that im working so i cant make it. they have tried signing me off again but that aint happening. like fuck is it. the police made contact with me yesterday about the rape case, and they asked me to go see them to sign some forms about accessing my medical history, including my mental health. they are going to turn that against me if this goes to court and i dont want them to it will distroy me completely. the rape pushed me over the edge, completely, and i thought i could deal with it but not after everything. i cant do any of this anymore. im feed up of fighting a lost batle. people want me to get off aerosols and drink but i cant. ive started to use a bit of weed now and again, but dont rally enjoy it so much as aerosols, and also aerolsols are much much cheaper (!) sorry to go on like this, im just feelign really really shit at the moment, and i feel as if i will find a way to die.