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I've lost it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Marshmallow, Jul 11, 2008.

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  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I think this is the first time i've ever wrote in this section of the forum, maybe i'm wrong but i don't remember doing so.

    Recently it's just got worse and worse for me. For so long i locked it away, put my mask on for so long. Recently its been slipping. It's now finally fallen off. I've given up. I've given up on life. This is the worse i've felt in a long time. I actually feel physically sick by the lack on interest i have in life right now.

    I've lost total interest. Everyday, all day, all i wanna do is cry. I sit there with tears running down my face but i sit there take a deep breath and wipe them away. Locking them back away again.

    I can feel this building up to something serious and the scary part is that im not even scared anymore. I'm not scared of doing it. That was one of the things that help me back in the past. Even thats gone. The interest and spirit of life has just disappeard. I just want it to be over. I just want to be dead.

    I can feel myself shutting people out. The ones closest to me. They ask how i am and i just say im fine. Why would they need to know? We all know its full of shit and no one gives a shit how im really feeling. The sooner i shut people out the sooner i can be gone.

    My own girlfriend thinks i don't give a shit about her, thats not true, i do. Says she feels in the way. Well guess what. I'm the one in the way. I'm the one in the way of life. The soon i erase myself from the equation the better. Erase myself from life.

    The urges have been getting so bad recently, to the point where im shaking because i want to so badly. But i hide it. I hide it from everyone. I'm sat here thinking of how and when. With what.

    Theres so much anger in me and the fucking stupid thing is that i don't even know where its coming from. Earlier for example, i brought a new game from the 360, i couldn't work out the controls and then when i did work them out i couldn't get the timing right so i kept loosing, it pissed me off so much. So much that i had to turn the game off before i threw it at the wall. Even when writing this my cat keeps bugging me. He's an attention whore and even him trying to get attention is driving me absolutely crazy. I would NEVER do this but the anger is just making me want to pick him up and throw him as far away from me as possible.

    I've lost it. I've lost life.

  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    You haven't lost life, I wont let you give in. I wont let you go.

    Lean on me as much as you need to. I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'll help you, I don't know how yet, but I promise I will help xx
  3. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    What about therapy and medication? My guess is you have seen a therapist before, but maybe you need to go back? You have identified what I think is the most critical issue, i.e. you are hiding these feelings from others and leaving yourself to deal with them on your own. And so all these negative thoughts are building up without release. The negative thoughts need to be challanged by a therapist.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 11, 2008
  4. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    maybe its a bout of depression? it can force the mask off your face (or if you tihnk about it from hte brain's perspctive the times when you thought the mask were on may have been that the depression was in remission) but the things yuo have described do sound like what depression episodes do to ppl- it takes away their enjoyment in things they used to like to do, makes htem irritable and emtionally more labile.

    Thats what i think, and at these times (even if im not really sure) i tell myself "ok this is just my brain being lame" and i force myself to keep doing things i like, be more patient when i get angry and most importantly- to go and be around/keep in contact other people. The last thing is what i have found to be the most helpful.

    hang in there- its probably an episode of down time you are going through. And just like how you said you've locked it away in the past im sure this phase will go away with time aswell
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    vikki I am sorry you are having these thoughts of doubt and self worth. I know things haven't been so great at home and I am sure this contributes to how you are feeling. I know people don't want you to erase yourself. You are not in the way. I am glad you are letting the mask down and sharing with us. That is a step in the right direction. :hug:
  6. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :arms: Vikki. I'm here too for you. :hug:
  7. me1

    me1 Well-Known Member

    Sorry you dont feel good. Hope you feel better soon, Vikki. :hug:
  8. leftoutsidealone

    leftoutsidealone Well-Known Member

    this is depression. i know it. perhaps some pill can help you. at least they stop the tears. and the anger too. the only trouble with pills is they make you so indifferent to everything. but for the time being, they may stabilize you. and you are lucky you have people who ask how you are. my cell phone operator actually wanted to close my account because there were no calls.
  9. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    Animals sense when you are down and I know you said he was an attention whore but hes also letting you know that your needed and loved. Your girlfriend by telling you that means that she cares about your opinion of her, in turn she cares about you. It shows that people here care about you. When you add all this together, you are loved, appreciated, cared about and needed. hence you are not in the way :)
  10. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    vikki , im so sorry ur in this place , i ve been there as im sure have many others both inside and outside this site.

    its a shit and lonely place because asyou rightly say u reject those closest , i have found having gone in and out of this dark place on countless occasions , that the only way forward is to force myself to remember that even tho this time feels like the worst - so did the last - and the one before that.
    With this technique in mind i force myself to remember that somehow in some way i will fight my way through it.
    Stay with us hunni , stay with Sam she clearly has so much love and faith in you , she will understand the way you are feeling especially when u are open and honest about it although that isnt easy i know.
    Add me hun to msn and have a chat sometime trouble.jo@hotmail.co.uk i ve been there , im kinda there now and believe me it will get easier sweetie , be gentle on urself , cry if u need to its no failing .

    Dont allow this shadow of darkness to force your hand fight it and lean on all those who care , the world is a much better place with u in it hunni.

    love strength and hugs

    Jo xx
  11. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :hug: I really hope these feelings subside Vikki. I totally understand the shutting others out and giving up on life, I really do, but take each day as it comes and you may feel life for others would be better if you're out of the equation but I'm sure this isn't the case. People love and care for you. Life is trying, but each day you live through it the stronger you become.
  12. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    It's okay, I'm on an anger streak now too. I think we are similar, about a year ago we used to chat all the time and I think we both got a lot out of it. Even through this streak, I have nothing but admiration and hope for you. Keep fighting. I think you're great!!
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear you feel this way Vikki, I hope you feel better soon :hug:
    If you need to talk or just need someone to listen please PM me :hug:
  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Vikki,
    I know what you mean about it effecting you physically. Depression does that. I was a mess when I first came to the forum. I'm on geodon for my irrational thinking. But it wasn't helping on it's own so my doc added cogentin to my list of meds . You know it helped quite abit as far as the physical asspects go.
    When I first started seeing my therapist she told me I don't care about anything. And that I have given up. She was right on the money because I didn't care what happened to me. We are here to help you get over those tuff hurdles. You can add me to the list of others who want to support you!! If you need to talk I am only a PM away. I hope you feel better soon.:chopper:
  15. Spikey

    Spikey Senior Member

    :sad: Vikkers :sad: :hug: :hug: :hug: ya know we always here for you if you want to talk.
    And you're right. Felix-Ninja is an attention-whore. I'm still picking f*****g cat hair off my tights :tongue:

    Keep safe missis xxxx
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