I think this is the first time i've ever wrote in this section of the forum, maybe i'm wrong but i don't remember doing so.
Recently it's just got worse and worse for me. For so long i locked it away, put my mask on for so long. Recently its been slipping. It's now finally fallen off. I've given up. I've given up on life. This is the worse i've felt in a long time. I actually feel physically sick by the lack on interest i have in life right now.
I've lost total interest. Everyday, all day, all i wanna do is cry. I sit there with tears running down my face but i sit there take a deep breath and wipe them away. Locking them back away again.
I can feel this building up to something serious and the scary part is that im not even scared anymore. I'm not scared of doing it. That was one of the things that help me back in the past. Even thats gone. The interest and spirit of life has just disappeard. I just want it to be over. I just want to be dead.
I can feel myself shutting people out. The ones closest to me. They ask how i am and i just say im fine. Why would they need to know? We all know its full of shit and no one gives a shit how im really feeling. The sooner i shut people out the sooner i can be gone.
My own girlfriend thinks i don't give a shit about her, thats not true, i do. Says she feels in the way. Well guess what. I'm the one in the way. I'm the one in the way of life. The soon i erase myself from the equation the better. Erase myself from life.
The urges have been getting so bad recently, to the point where im shaking because i want to so badly. But i hide it. I hide it from everyone. I'm sat here thinking of how and when. With what.
Theres so much anger in me and the fucking stupid thing is that i don't even know where its coming from. Earlier for example, i brought a new game from the 360, i couldn't work out the controls and then when i did work them out i couldn't get the timing right so i kept loosing, it pissed me off so much. So much that i had to turn the game off before i threw it at the wall. Even when writing this my cat keeps bugging me. He's an attention whore and even him trying to get attention is driving me absolutely crazy. I would NEVER do this but the anger is just making me want to pick him up and throw him as far away from me as possible.
I've lost it. I've lost life.
:cry:
Recently it's just got worse and worse for me. For so long i locked it away, put my mask on for so long. Recently its been slipping. It's now finally fallen off. I've given up. I've given up on life. This is the worse i've felt in a long time. I actually feel physically sick by the lack on interest i have in life right now.
I've lost total interest. Everyday, all day, all i wanna do is cry. I sit there with tears running down my face but i sit there take a deep breath and wipe them away. Locking them back away again.
I can feel this building up to something serious and the scary part is that im not even scared anymore. I'm not scared of doing it. That was one of the things that help me back in the past. Even thats gone. The interest and spirit of life has just disappeard. I just want it to be over. I just want to be dead.
I can feel myself shutting people out. The ones closest to me. They ask how i am and i just say im fine. Why would they need to know? We all know its full of shit and no one gives a shit how im really feeling. The sooner i shut people out the sooner i can be gone.
My own girlfriend thinks i don't give a shit about her, thats not true, i do. Says she feels in the way. Well guess what. I'm the one in the way. I'm the one in the way of life. The soon i erase myself from the equation the better. Erase myself from life.
The urges have been getting so bad recently, to the point where im shaking because i want to so badly. But i hide it. I hide it from everyone. I'm sat here thinking of how and when. With what.
Theres so much anger in me and the fucking stupid thing is that i don't even know where its coming from. Earlier for example, i brought a new game from the 360, i couldn't work out the controls and then when i did work them out i couldn't get the timing right so i kept loosing, it pissed me off so much. So much that i had to turn the game off before i threw it at the wall. Even when writing this my cat keeps bugging me. He's an attention whore and even him trying to get attention is driving me absolutely crazy. I would NEVER do this but the anger is just making me want to pick him up and throw him as far away from me as possible.
I've lost it. I've lost life.
:cry:
