I've lost my beautiful daughter.......

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Giannasmom, Jun 16, 2007.

  1. Giannasmom

    Giannasmom Member

    Gianna was my beautiful, caring, thoughtful, loving daughter, 35 yrs. old, that suffered from depression and possibly bipolar.

    10/06 Gianna finally, bravely, leaves Tony and an abusive relationship, Yeah!
    Gianna is struggling really hard, she drinks heavily....how can we help her?
    11/06 Thanksgiving eve....Gianna drinks heavily, I'm afraid she takes more of her meds, an overdose....she wants to know why she has to be here (living) if she doesn't want to be. We call 911. She goes to hospital, they keep her overnight. She comes home Thanksgiving day with the promise of going to counseling. Thanksgiving is solemn, but we're extremely grateful that Gianna is okay.
    Gianna goes for counseling and is diagnosed as an alcholic and told she has clinical depression.
    Gianna signs up for college classes and works really, really hard at getting a job. She has some setbacks, but all in all is doing better. She studies really hard and her spirits start to pick up a bit.
    12/06 Christmas is Gianna's favorite holiday so she's having a rough time without Tony. She struggles on. She doesn't want to celebrate Christmas, nor does she want to decorate. Towards mid December, she starts to decorate a little and fixes her place up beautifully. She joins us for Christmas dinner, but ends up drinking heavily towards the end of the night. Her pain (mental) is heartbreaking to watch.
    01/07 January goes pretty good, Gianna is working a lot and studying very hard for school.
    02/07 More of the same this month, except for one life changing event. Gianna is starting to feel stronger, meds are working for the most part, she's not drinking, so she makes reservations to go visit her brother in Florida, she wants to spend time with him, time she missed while living in Florida. due to her relationship with Tony.
    03/08/07 Gianna leaves for Florida, we take her to the airport. We tell her we're concerned in case she see's Tony but she says don't worry, she feels stronger now.
    03/10 Gianna goes for lunch with Tony. She calls me that night, she's been drinking. She says it hurts really bad to see him but realizes he's not the best thing for her. She is heartboken, it hurts so much to see her in so much pain.
    03/12 Gianna sees Tony this night. Something takes place that I'm not going to write about here. Suffice to say she comes away from that night with a lot of pain, among other feelings, non of which are good.
    03/15 We pick up Gianna at the airport, she seems okay, but very, very tired. We come home and she goes directly to bed.
    03/16 It's snowing, the 1st heavy snow of the year! Gianna stays in and unpacks and does her usual things, unpacking, laundry, studying, etc.
    03/17 Patricks birthday today! Gianna gets everything ready to go to work, she's in good spirits. She leaves early, 1:45, because she's afraid of icy patches, etc. 3:00 pm she called me, says they messed up the schedule for work so she's on the way home, do I need anything? 4:30 or so she came home bearing a gift, a beautiful, beautiful blue hydrangea plant....it's just gorgeous! I thank her profusely, of course, and tell her how much I love her.
    As the day passes, I notice she's drinking. She's starting to get sad, she goes outside over and over for a cigarette. At one point she stops me as I'm walking by to give me a hug and we cry together and she says " I love you, mom" I tell her I love her and to give it a little more time, another door will open for her. She is angry that she let Tony 'dupe' her once again. I tell her not to be so hard on herself, we've all been there, don't feel stupid.
    She goes downstairs.
    About 8:30 or so, we hear her come upstairs and go in the fridge. We realized later that she had had a glass of milk. Why, why, why, why didn't we speak to her, or her to us?
    10:00 I peek downstairs to see if she's okay.....I see the light on and think she must be on her computer.
    11:00 Ron goes to bed....15 minutes or so later I decide to go too. I turn off the TV and go to shut off the kitchen light. Wait! Let me check on Gianna one more time, oh oh, it's very quiet down there, let me go down there and check on her, she must have fallen asleep with the lights on. I walk down the stairs and see her futon is open, but she's not on it.....my eyes fly to the bathroom door, it's open and she's not there. Okay, maybe she's folding laundry, doing laundry seemed to be therapy for her. I looked around the corner inro the laundry room and my heart stopped, literally stopped. There was Gianna, my baby girl, <mod edit Hazel: method>
    .....Oh my God! No, no, no, NO!!!! I begin to yell for Ron, I scream and sceam, he can't hear me, he has headphones on. I wake him up and tell him what happened. He runs downstairs, yelling like a wounded animal, noooooooo Gianna, noooooooo. He holds my baby <mod edit Hazel: method > I rub her belly, it's still warm......please God, let her be alive, oh, please...........but she's not, she's gone, she's gone.
    From that day forward, life has been hell, pure hell.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2007
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello, my heart goes out to you, there are tears running down my face as I write this, I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered.
    Your daughter was obviously a wonderful person and the love that you shared will be with you for ever.
    I hope that you will find some comfort in being able to speak about her here and we offer you our sympathy and support in this tragic time.

    With sympathy Hazel xx
  3. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    :( Terrible, im so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you loved your daughter very much, I cant imagine what the pain must be like. Sending you all the :hug:'s i can muster
  4. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    ::(: i'm so sorry to hear about your daughter it sounds like she was a tough and strong person. I know it must hurt really bad and i'm sorry... Its sad when someone like that dies... Hun if u ever want to talk please feel fear to pm me :hug:
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I can't even imagine what you are going through. Your daughter sounds like she was a beautiful person. :hug: We are all here for you if you if you need to talk or just let it out. Please take care.
  6. rd9671

    rd9671 Guest

    I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what it is like. But I will keep you in my prayers and wishes for your continued survival/happiness.
  7. shadowcat

    shadowcat Well-Known Member

    i am so sorry for your loss, praying for healing and the strength for you and your family to go on each day. i know how it feels to ask the questions and not have any answers.
  8. scared_child

    scared_child Account Closed

    i felt tears in my eyes as I read this. I am so sorry for your loss.
  9. Giannasmom

    Giannasmom Member


    Thank you. We are taking it one day at a time. There are always tears, just ready to flow at the slightest thing. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on to try to understand this. I guess we're luckier then some. We had my beautiful baby for 35 yrs., not nearly long enough, but a lot longer then some. We know why she did it, and I'm beginning to understand the reasons for suicide. It's still going to be a long, long time to learning to live a new way of life, the family chain has been broken. I feel so bad for anyone that has to go through this, especially a parent. I don't believe there is any pain worse then losing a child. Here is a picture of my beautiful daughter.http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/sheilamae55/1CIMG0048-1.jpg
  10. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I went and looked at the link you provided. She was a very beautiful girl. I'm sure she was an even more beautiful person on the inside. :rose:

    I hope in some small way, we can help you come to terms with this tragedy. :hug:
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am saddened to hear how much your beautiful daughter suffered. Despite how hard she fought, it was too much for her in the end. Now you and your family are left to grieve the loss of what should have been a beautiful life. I know that each day must be a struggle for you. It is good that you are starting to understand suicide better, but what a way to have to learn about it. My heart cries for you and the days that lie ahead. Try and rememebr the good days with Gianna and look past the struggles. I am sure she knew how much she was loved. She fought hard to stay with you, so she loved you very much as well. Please take care. Know that others are thinking of you. :hug:
  12. tiredoftrying

    tiredoftrying New Member

    i'm am so very sorry for your loss. my thoughts and prayers are with you.
  13. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Just wondering how you and your family are doing. I hope you are coming to terms with this terrible tradgedy at least a little. My thoughts are still with you. :hug:
  14. K3

    K3 Well-Known Member

    As I read the words you posted, my heart stopped too. I feel for your loss, I can't say I know the pain your going through.. But I lost 3 of my girlfriends. So I know the pain it is to lose a loved one, very much. Nothing anyone can say will makeup for your loss, but all people can do is try to help you through a very painful... Stressful time...

    You will be in my thoughts tonight, and I really hope you stay okay. Remember there are people out there that love you.

    I feel for your loss, and wish you all the best.. :hug:

    p.s. If you ever feel you need somewhere to come, don't be a stranger to these forums. Everyone here is here to give and get help.
  15. Giannasmom

    Giannasmom Member

    Thank you everyone, for caring. I have bad days, then there are really, really bad days. Gianna would have been 36 this past Sunday, the 24th. God, that girl was special, she really was. We had a candle lighting and a butterfly release at her gravesite. This is how it went. The birthday celebration was wonderful. I took half a Xanax before going because I was afraid of getting hysterical.....it helped a lot.
    There were about 24 people there, it was a perfect morning to have it. Sunny and the temp was just right. First we made a circle and held hands around Gianna (I had placed a favorite 11 x 14 picture up against all of the flowers she got) and we said 'The Lord's Prayer' I then gave everyone a candle, while still in the circle (Gianna loved to do laundry so I got clean linen candles) and as my BIL read a candle lighting poem, we lit them, closed our eyes and had a silent moment. We then shared funny and amazing stories of Gianna, we giggled a lot. After that I put the sluggish butterflys in a special basket I had bought for them....I had to cover them with the tulle fast, they were warming up quick and starting to flutter about. My BIL then read this poem:
    I Am Always With You
    When I am gone, release me, let me go.
    I have so many things to see and do,
    You mustn't tie yourself to me with too many tears,
    But be thankful we had 35 years.
    I gave you my love, and you can only guess
    How much you've given me in happiness.
    I thank you for the love that you have shown,
    But now it is time I traveled on alone.
    So grieve for me a while, if grieve you must
    Then let your grief be comforted by trust
    That it is only for a while that we must part,
    So treasure the memories within your heart.
    I won't be far away for life goes on.
    And if you need me, call and I will come.
    Though you can't see or touch me, I will be near
    And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear
    All my love around you soft and clear
    And then, when you come this way alone,
    I'll greet you with a smile and a "Welcome Home".
    As you release this butterfly in honor of me,
    know that I'm with you and will always be.
    Hold a hand, say a prayer,
    close your eyes and see me there.
    Although you may feel a bit torn apart,
    please know that I'll be forever in your heart.
    Now fly away butterfly as high as you can go,
    I'm right there with you more than you know.

    When he got to the part that says 'Now fly away butterfly as high as you can go', I untied the ribbon and let them fly. One landed on my foot and stayed there quite awhile. I finally reached down, picked it up, and raised my hand to let it fly off. After that, I read this poem, though I have to say it was hard and I did cry.

    If Roses grow in Heaven,
    Lord please pick a bunch for me,
    Place them in my daughter's arms
    and tell her they're from me.
    Tell her I love her and miss her,
    and when she turns to smile,
    place a kiss upon her cheek
    and hold her for awhile.
    Because remembering her is easy,
    I do it every day,
    but there's an ache within my heart
    that will never go away.

    We again ended with a prayer. I am very, very happy it went so well. But of course, I wish I could have given Gianna those roses myself today. That day was the 1st day I've felt any calmness......but that ended at 12:05 that night. I have an older daughter that is Narcissistic and she chose that night to start the 'you don't love me's and I bet this would have been easier for you if I had died instead of Gianna' accusations. I finally started seeing a therapist yesterday, I can't deal with Gianna's suicide and my other daughter's crap at once. I can't even grieve Gianna's death in peace. I've been doing a lot of research on Narcissism and I'm understanding it better but I just can't deal with it.
  16. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It sounds like you had a beautiful celebration of Gianna's life. It will be a good memory to carry with you. I am glad you are seeing someone to help you deal with her suicide and your others daughters issues. this has got to be difficult on her as well. She may be acting out even more as she feels the loss of her sister. Sometimes we forget as we try the best we can to heal that others may be hurting as well. Our attention becomes focused on the one lost. Do your best to support each other. I know you are doing the best you all can just to survive right now. My thoughts are with both Gianna's friends and family. May you find peace and understanding. Please take care.
  17. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    It sounds like it went well. I hope you find peace in this oneday. I started crying when I read the poems. You will be in my thoughts sweetheart. I can't imagine how much pain you are in at the moment. Hang in there, and take care and I wish you luck with your therapy. :hug:
  18. I'm so sorry for your loss. Tears are swelling in my eyes from reading that. :( I'm so sorry...
  19. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am wondering how you and your family are doing at this point. My thoughts are still with you. :hug:
  20. mookies mum

    mookies mum Member

    I am so sorry that you lost your lovely daughter, its a pain no mother should ever have to feel, I dont think it ever gets better, I lost my daughter in June 2004 and I cry everyday and my heart is broken, I wish there was something I could say to help but I dont there is. Be gentle with yourself and try to remember the happy times and the smiles. you can talk to me anytime if you want. m.m.:console: