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I've lost my family - nothing left to live for

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by OnlyChild, Jul 31, 2010.

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  1. OnlyChild

    OnlyChild Member

    It's a bad time to catch anyone now, early morning in the UK and the US is asleep.. I've just tried to call the samaritans and the lady sounded half asleep and didn't talk to me, she just listened to me crying.

    I really don't know what to do, the last year started bad and has got worse and worse. My older son was diagnosed with Bipolar, and left Uni to live with me. He became increasingly hostile to me, was never violent but very intimidating. My younger son is now on his uni holidays and they've now both gone to live in his house. They are both very angry with me, for nothing specific, but it seems to be around the way I handled the situation when I found they were smoking weed in their bedrooms. I was calm, explained why it wasn't a good idea expecially when there are mental health issues in the family (their father received psychiatric treatment about 10 years after we divorced when the boys were 9mths and 2). I should have just left it, but instead I kept mentioning it which made them very angry. At one point in April, my younger son just lost it - was screaming and crying. When I tried to calm and talk to him he screamed at me to go away. So I left the house. When I returned 2 hours later they had both left. I didn't call, and they are very angry that I didn't. They have both now decided that it was me that caused both their fathers and my older son's mental illness. They have rubbished me to my parents, who now both think I'm the cause too.
    I have never hit my boys, never abused them. I shouted at them if they were naughty, but not very often. I helped them with their homework, listened to their music practice (never forced them), I worked, provided a home, they got a good education at a private school. My friends who have seen us grow up together say I was a good and kind mother. And my lodger who is now a friend says that in the 2 and a half years she lived with us, she thought that when she had children, she would try to be a mother like me. I have lots of support but I can't live without my family. Every attempt I make now to mend things is thrown back at me.
    I have three choices
    End my grief
    'Divorce' my family and hope it gets better in time
    Carry on hoping and trying - but it's destroying me
    Sorry this post is so long
  2. Jace

    Jace Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time. I've never experienced anything like what you've mentioned above so I can't give any advice, sorry.
    I just wanted to let you know that we're all here for you.
  3. OnlyChild

    OnlyChild Member

    Thanks Jace
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    End my grief
    'Divorce' my family and hope it gets better in time

    Carry on hoping and trying - but it's destroying me

    these sound like my three choices too and I'm sorry you're going through similar to me....
    I understand totally what it's like to try and survive without your family..
    I hope things settle down for you.....
  5. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    OnlyChild, it's not fair what your children are doing to you. There father has psychiatric issues, and one son has, too. Mental illness is hereditary, so that cannot be your fault. And you are right, marijuana can exacerbate mental illness. You sound like a great mother who has sacrificed for your children, and have been there for them, even when there father was absent. They should be thanking you.

    It's easy to blame the mother when things go wrong, instead of realizing you were the one that has been there for them all these years.

    You haven't lost your family, they are just being insensitive right now. But they will come to see the truth again and will be back, you'll see.

    What must really hurt is that you gave up so much for those children and now they are blaming you for the things that go wrong in their lives.

    But the truth always emerges in time.

    Don't hurt yourself. Find someone to talk to, like your pastor. It's hard to be a mother. In time, this pain will ease up. But for now, don't believe the thoughts in your head that tells you that you were a bad mother. That is a lie. You sound like a good loving mother to me.

    You don't deserve the way your son has been treating you.

    It must be the deepest pain to go through this, and even harder that you are going through this alone.

    But, I share it with you.:hugtackles:
    And if you stay on here, you will find more people who will share your pain with you.

    Believe me, you'll feel better. Just those listen to the lies inside your head that your sons placed there. In time everything will be OK.

    Go spend some time with a friend who really see what a good person you are.
  6. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    You sound like a very good and strong heroic person. I applaud your goodness and endurence. PLEASE dont give up and stay here and we will all help you find peace and work it all out . Pray and I will too....
  7. OnlyChild

    OnlyChild Member

    Thank you all so much for your support. My younger son came home for the night to collect some belongings and just hugged me good night before heading up to bed (family tradition). Your prayers have worked for my younger son, so please could you keep praying for my older one. I don't have a god, but know that some do, and it seems your god can help others.
  8. youngter

    youngter Member

    Are we related? lol Your story is so much like what I've been through with my children, the horror stories that I could tell would, I won't do that right now. Be thankfull you don't have my 2 methhead sisters to make things as bad as they can get, what your kids or my kids could do don't even come close to them.
  9. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi OnlyChild,

    I've also said some things that I regret to my mother in the past. The gist of my story sounds similar to yours in a lot of ways. Also had mental health problems at uni. Also partially blamed my mom for not understanding enough. Also self medicated sometimes.

    I feel ashamed thinking back how much pain I caused her. During depression you only really think of yourself, so your mind can come up with lots of reasons why others would like to hurt you and none for how they would like to help you. I didn't see my mother's good intentions behind what she tried to do for me. I only saw restrictions, denial, anger and resentment. I didn't see all these things were just caused by her frustrations at not being able to help me.

    I'm not trying to say that's how your son perceives you, but just trying to give some perspective as to how things may be misconstrued when you're suffering from depression.

    Things are going much better these days, although the roles have been reversed somewhat in that I'm doing better and my mom is suffering. It breaks my heart to see her going through what I went through. I understand that feeling of helplessness all too well.

    Please understand that if you decide to end your grief, you will only transfer it and a whole lot more to your sons. They will blame themselves no end for what they did to you, and they'll never have a chance to recover and to see it was just the depression that blew all this out of proportion.

    Having said all that, I think you may have missed secret option #4 that is available to you...

    Talk to them. Try your best to remain calm, and even bring someone else along who can act as a mediator of sorts if you'd like, but just sit and have an honest talk with your family. I think a lot of family problems caused by depression is a result of wrong assumptions being made and everything that follows are based on these assumptions.

    I sincerely hope you'll figure this out and your sons will see the error of their ways before they hurt you too much. I'm glad to hear your younger son has come around a little!

    All the best
  10. OnlyChild

    OnlyChild Member

    Oh boy, Im falling apart big time. Your support is just what I need, but I've done it all alone for so long that it just makes me crumble. You know when you don't want someone to be nice to you or you'll burst into tears?

    I realise I'm not alone, and I think we are related youngster', lots of us I'm sure. So many people are going through so many problems. I just wish I wasn't falling apart so much and then I could help others. I can't stop crying.

    Max 0718, I so wish I could talk to my boys. My cousin said I should even just listen and offer no advice. But they won't talk to me. My younger son was home for less than 24 hours and I was too frightened to talk to him. I'm too weak to cope with him screaming and shouting abuse at me.

    They are just leaving to go abroad for a holiday together and I gave him a hug and said to give my love to J, (his brother). Then when he had gone I worried whether they had insurance. When they went away together last summer they both ended up in hospital and we were all so lucky that I had family insurance.

    I sent a text to say 'don't forget to get insurance' as well as 'have a lovely holiday' and didn't get a reply. I hate not getting a reply. Did I do the wrong thing. Should I have bought insurance, or should I not have even asked. They are 19 and 22.

    I'm thinking of selling the house, leaving the job, and packing it all in. My cousin's 2 year old was the most beautiful boy, lovely guests this weekend. Does she know that after all the love she's giving, she may only get hatred and distain.

    I know its the illness and the effects of this. But I am now falling apart. I may never recover. "I f$"%ing HATE you" is ringing through my ears, they are so full of hate. They were my babies, I love them.
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I understand your fellings totally and i'm sad for you....
    I don't have advice as my own family is ffkd but know there is someone out there that knows your pain.....*hugs*
  12. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi OnlyChild,

    I'm sorry to hear that. I know how hard it can be when you feel the other party isn't even trying. And it does sound like you're really trying! I'm sorry that they don't want to talk to you. Maybe the best thing right now (although I know it doesn't feel that way) is to have a little space and when they come back from holiday, they'll hopefully be more receptive than they are now.

    I've been in that place where I didn't want to speak to my parents about my problems. Where I actually resented them each time they brought it up. But they kept bringing it up, forcing me to talk about it and today I'm really grateful for that as I'm sure someday your son will be as well.

    Glad to hear your finding some relief for yourself on here. We all need to have some place to vent a little, and I've found this site to work wonders, especially during those dark hours of need! In the end, all advice I can give you is to hang in there, keep trying, stay strong - even at the risk of sounding cliche. Because I really do believe your son, as I did, will come to see how much you care, and that he's not really angry at you, but at his condition. He needs to accept himself before he can accept the help from others. In the mean time, we're all here for you!

    All the best,
  13. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I would just be there no matter how much it hurts and show them what love is all about. It may hurt, but they are not in control of anything in their lives right now. They need to know they can always return to you, and when they get older and more mature they will. Hold onto hope. Blessings.. :hug:
  14. cashing_out

    cashing_out Well-Known Member

    Prayers and Wishes. If I have learned anything during my short life is that time helps. Just hope for the best and keep on swiming.
  15. OnlyChild

    OnlyChild Member

    Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it, as well as your advice.

    I've decided to make contact every Sunday, either call them or text them. Then they know I love them. Do you think this is a good idea? When you're a mum you're always there on a daily basis, and you don't ever wonder how often to call. When I contact them they usually don't respond, never answer the phone, or reply to a text. But then if I leave it for a few weeks they say I never call. So I thought a regular routine would be good. My father calls me every weekend and it's quite nice to know I'll hear from him (he lives in the US and doesn't like me to call him). Any advice would help me. What do you wish your mum did, and what works? I call my mother every few days, she never calls me. I guess girls talk to their mothers more than boys would. I don't mind, I just want to get it right and get into a routine like I have with my parents. My boys only ever call me if they want me to do something for them, but that's okay, as long as I'm getting it right with them. I don't want them to hate me for doing the wrong thing.
  16. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    Sometimes you have to be firm with people otherwise they will just walk all over you. I don't have any advice with regards to your situation but I have found that in my experience the kinder I am to girls the more they will treat me like shit, whereas if I set high expectations and act more 'unaccepting' of the things they do that make me feel bad, as opposed to turning the other cheek or thinking WWJD, then they end up respecting me more and make a conscious effort to treat me better.

    So maybe get some coaching with Focus on the Family or some other parenting organisation and have standards. Unfortunately no good deed ever goes unpunished so just because you are a good mother does not mean they will be good children. People respond to 'fair' fear better than they respond to 'that-extra-mile' love.
  17. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a good idea to call them or text them every Sunday. You are a good mother.
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