As well as my sanity. I can no longer think straight any more. Today for example I turned up for something that was 2 days ago. I swear they said today. Then when i phone saying why didnt you call me they play the innocent with me like people always do. **** people. I was looking forward to today because a girl i like would be there. Guess that is out of the window like everything. Another missed opportunity and another step to breaking point. There's days i've spent thinking it was another day entirely, wondering why no one is in the house when they were actually at work. Until someone tells me and i'm utterly amazed at myself. I have no interest in anything any longer apart from finding someone to quell my loneliness. I am pretty much mute all of the time. I no longer have the energy to converse. When I have a disagreement I simply walk away instead of communicating.. I cannot be bothered. Whilst I have always been shy amongst other things i was the top student at my school. Years since ive been reduced to a recluse with a concentration span of a couple of minutes. Im not even kidding. All I think about is killing myself because I cannot take this torture any more. When you have nothing to do every day for years it becomes too much. Then like i say you have an opportunity and it goes missing, leaving me to wait more weeks for another. I can't take it any more. My throat is hurting because i tried strangling myself in anger. I have this thing where I cant damage anything without immense guilt, so I take it out on myself. I really want to try hanging myself again. On one hand I want so badly someone to be there and to feel better, but its not coming and im deluded if i think otherwise. I am alone in the world. I feel sad for what could have been but it was never meant to be. I think i'm going to finally extinguish this feeling of loss and emptyness once and for all.