I've Lost So Much Already This Year, I Hope Suicide Isn't the Only Way

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Righteous, Jan 27, 2010.

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  1. Righteous

    Righteous Well-Known Member

    2010 has started off as a bad year for me. Earler this month, I went to my parents home town for 3 reasons. One, to visit my grandma and my momma. Thats right, I actually wanted to see my momma ( those of u who know my life story from my other topics know what I'm talking about ) Two, I also wanted to spend time with this new girl I've just recently started hanging with. Three, I went to go see an old friend who I found out has moved back to my state. Sounds like some good intentions right.

    Now even though all three of those things happened, here's what I didn't expect. My car messed up on me. The lifters in my engine are all messed up and that's an expensive repair I can't afford. I thought it was just the spark plug and wires. I spent money getting new spark plugs and wires and that wasn't the only problem. So I eventually found out my lifters in my engine is messed up which also means there's a good chance my head gaskets are messed up. The repair will probably cost around $1,000 at a shop. The guy who found out the problem for me wanted to charge me about $700 or $800 but for something this serious, it would probably be wise to spend the $1,000 at a shop so I can get a warranty and not have to worry about paying another $1,000. I can't afford this repair because I just got my car fixed back in December, I was off work for 2 weeks and couldn't get unemployment because my session ended, and I bought Christmas presents.

    I don't know why I bothered to ask my evil dad to help me. He didn't care even though I wouldn't be able to get to work because my parents hometown is an hour from where I stay. Plus I live in my car, so I also wouldn't have a place to stay and my job is about 30 miles from where I normally park my car and chill at. Oh well, I guess my dad doesn't want to jeopardize his money for hookers and alcohol ( I wouldn't see how thats possible seeing that he is a millionaire ) So I ended up havingt to drift around my parents hometown for a fair number of days staying at friends houses. So u know what that means. I lost my job because I had no way to get back to work and too many days passed by. On the positive side, they didn't fire me, they just considering it as a lay off due to lack of transportation. But I still don't have a job.

    Also, while I was in my parents hometown, I got robbed for a little money and the robber hit me upside the head with the gun. Me and my dad almost got into a fight because he didn't like the fact that my friend let me park my car in his yard ( I know, thats a dumb reason to be mad at somebody ain't it ) To make matters worst, the relationship with me and my mom didn't get better because for some reason, she and my dad think I'm evil because I can't get my car fixed. I see that she will be under my dad's control even though he cheats on her and disrepects her.

    With all that drama, I had to get back to my city. Thankfully my friend in a town close to my parents town took me to my city for only $35. I knew that I was going to be facing true homelessness, but I didn't care. And yes I am still homeless. Homeless and broke. I'm down to my last $6. I spend a majority of the day at a coffee house or a book store, and last night I spent the night in a 24 hour grocery store.

    So as u see, by me trying to forgive my mom and make things right, I ended up with a messed up car, lost my job, got robbed and hit, plus me and my mom's relationship got worse. Surprisingly she has been calling me because she doesn't know where I'm at, but I don't answer because I feel that she will start more drama and I try to keep my soul focused on happiness.

    I don't know why this all happened, but regardless, the demon world will not get me to turn on God. I can not question what God has allowed to happen. I just got to see what I can do to get out of this situation even if that means suicide. I'm sure most of u know thst suicide isn't a sin. People just say that because suicide is a disturbing action. I know that God doesn't want me to suffer and if suicide is the only solution, I will gladly do so. I can't live my life in poverty. But I also don't want my grandma, niece, and friends living with the knowledge of me killing myself

    Maybe I shouln't keep my mind on suicide. In my life ( and yes I do mean my whole life ) God has allowed me to be in several bad situations and time after time he has gotten me of them in some miraculous way. I know that as long as its not my fault that something bad happens to me, that God will make a way for me. I hope u guys keep me in your prayers
     
  2. notafraid

    notafraid Member

    Well dont do it without exploring your last options. call your mom back and if all she has is more drama then just cut your ties. try to find a homeless shelter, a lot of churches will have them and if not they will know where one is. chill there and think about things before you do it. Give it a little time.
     
  3. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    So sorry you being going through this hard time. You are in my prayers. You can still fix things up. Keep trying. You can talk to me about this anytime.
     
  4. Righteous

    Righteous Well-Known Member

    Well, things do look like they are getting better, it may be a while before I constantly post on this site because I will be very busy for now, so there is no need to worry if I have killed myself. I'll keep u guys informed. I'm sure a miracle will come through that will not only improve my life, but also give u guys hope as well. God bless all of u
     
  5. Hmmm well sorry to hear that and remember there are many people out there who are in much worst situation than you are...just keep praying and it will work wonders.....God bless you
     
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