I've lost them both.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by coya, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. coya

    coya New Member

    2 years ago, I lost my girlfriend to lung cancer. Her whole family smoked except for her and her little sister. The place reeked of cigarettes all the time but she lived there for her whole life. She died at the age of 16 because of her bullshit fucked up family. I couldn't deal with it. I was so angry and became so fucked up that I can't believe I can even say 2 years ago at this point. Without my best friend I would have ended my life. He was my anchor for years, even after I moved away. Through email, Skype, and texts I was able to rely on him to stay afloat. He helped me deal with my loss without making everyone else who knew me aware of the situation. But that's all changed.

    Just early last week I got an official email sent from his address notifying everyone he had in his contacts that he was killed in a freak drunk driving incident and that his funeral was being planned and that I should notify his parents for the time. The funeral was today. I didn't go. I didn't go to my own best friends funeral. I let him down. I could've gone but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I have a drivers license but I don't have a car. I would have had to tell my parents I was going to a funeral cause surprise, your son just lost his best friend. I have no clue how far my fairly over protective parents would go. Maybe they would get my a psychologist or something. I don't know what would happen. I have school starting soon as well.

    I've lost my cool. I got through my girlfriends death by lying to myself. I'm ashamed at how good I've become. I've stopped sleeping except for maybe 1 or 2 hours if I'm brave enough. All I see is nightmares and my dead friends in my dreams. I lied to myself every single day so that I hardly thought about her. I was and still am a coward. I want to die. Can I get help for this? Would I be thrown out of school? I know I have depression at this point. It hangs over me every second of the day, sucking my life away. Depression at my school is like a contagious disease. Everyone is scared of it like they'll catch it. It's bullshit. I watched a kid go from being a respected, popular, and friendly guy to being avoided by almost everyone when he became depressed. He left soon after. My school councillor is a really nice lady and I think she caught on when I lost my girlfriend but she never said anything. I could go to her but everyone in the school would know that something was up. And could I trust her to not tell my parents if I told her that two of the people who I've cared about the most for my entire memorable life are dead. I doubt any of you can help me but I may as well put this here. I want to live. I tell myself that but I don't believe myself. I can't trust myself to not <mod edit - method> if the time presents itself. Well whatever happens it's clear I lost. I threw my dice and got a bad roll.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2016
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum. I am sorry for your losses. I think that talking to the school counsellor would be a good idea. Could you ask about the confidentiality agreement?

    There is no need to be ashamed about struggling with mental health.
  3. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Sorry you went through all of that and continue to suffer. I think that if the counselling is available to you and that you find the counselor a nice lady, then you would benefit from seeing her. I lost a very good friend to an aneurysm when we were 17 years old. We grew up together and were inseparable until high school when we kind of drifted apart. His death was so sudden, I didn't know how to deal with it. I refused help and tried to sweep it under the rug. In retrospect I wish I'd taken that help, I needed it. A few months later my grandfather passed away. I was so devastated, my life went downhill from there. I really think you should see that counselor.