I've made my decision...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Tired32, Dec 3, 2009.

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  1. Tired32

    Tired32 Active Member

    So I just can't go on anymore. I have tried to see my way past this and there just is no end.This world will be much better off without me around to be a drain.Wife, career, everything is gone AGAIN!! Can't rely on family so I will just make it easy for all of us. I am tired of starting over and I am tired of living with PTSD. My wife is going to her parents on the 20th and I guess my Christmas will be not waking up on the 26th. I already have the <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. I have around twenty two days to get my affairs in order. Funny thing is everyone in my life is COMPLETELY BLIND to this. I guess it will be a relief. I just wanted someone outside the situation toknow why.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 3, 2009
  2. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi tired,

    please keep talking, please. what can't you see past, what's happened? tell us about it, get it out, you're not any kind of a drain on us, all we want is to listen and to be there for you

    you have 22 days to put your affairs in order before you kill yourself, OR you have 22 days (and then a lot more days after that) to get some help and start putting your life back together. i really really hope you call a crisis center or the good samaritans or someone and get someone who can talk you through this, this really does not have to be the end of everything, no matter how bad it is!

    ...so what's going on there? you can write me a private message or just post here, either way.
     
  3. Tired32

    Tired32 Active Member

    My life has just been SO fuckinghard. I grew up in the streets as a Norteno, went in the military lost my wife and my child who died. I went to Bosnia and the Middle East on two combat tours. I can't get a job because of my PTSD we are getting ready to bew evicted my wife wants to leave and I just can't and won't start over again. I am just used up.
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Sorry for editing your post, but I had to take out the methods. :hug:

    I know starting over is hell. And I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I really hope you'll stay here and keep talking. This site is an amazing place to gain support and make friends, and you'll find out that there really are people who care about what happens to you.
     
  5. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    We're here to listen to you. You can talk to us because we all feel equally as shitty and won't judge you. I hope you call the crisis center for some help. We're all here for each other. And that includes you too, sir!

    Maybe you've already looked into this, but are you aware that there are programs for rental assistance that will help to pay your past due rent for you? You have some perks because you're a vet, and you have PTSD. There are services that could help you stay living in your home. I work in social services in DC so that's just what I know, what with all the clients I see who are about to be evicted. Check in with some of your local non-profits and Salvation Army locations and ask about emergency rental assistance programs, and take your writ of eviction with you along with your other papers (ID, past rent receipts, proof of disability, vet status, etc.).

    Maybe they can help with that, but you'll never know if you don't ask. There are people out there who can and want to help you, you just gotta look. :hugtackles:
     
  6. Tired32

    Tired32 Active Member

    Actuaslly IO do not have any perks. I was raised in a neighborhood with a street gang and had a waiver when I went in. After we got back I began having problems and recieved a general under honorable conditions dischartge. They stated that my PTSD was a pre-existing condcition that should not have been wiaved. I lost everythign but VA medical. I am having to fight for my GI BIll. We applied for assistance here and either they can't help with rent or we have to have been at our address for 6 mon. We had moved here to start a job and then the company closed down due to unforseen conditions. So here I am with a family I cannot take care of stuck in this box of replays in my head. I feel like the biggest failure ever and I just don't see a reason to keep being a drain on the people in my life. For some reason if it is not one thing it is another with me.
     
  7. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Well my friend, you say you can't take care of your family? How are you going to take care of them when you are dead?

    Does your wife work?

    Maybe you can get a couple of part time jobs, like delivering pizza's or working fast food, or something, a gas station gig, whatever....but 2 part time jobs would keep you busy and help to earn some moolah.

    Maybe you could all move in with her Mom for awhile until you guys get back on your feet? I know my wife and I had to do that numerous times.

    For better or worse, right?

    You need to stick it out for your kids. Gotta remind yourself that suicide is contagious.
     
  8. Tired32

    Tired32 Active Member

    I really am trying to hang on right now. I am trying to find some reason between now and the 25th. I just do not see any onther way for things to get better right now. I am so tired of being alone or causing the people in my life to be hurt. I know this would be a relief the whole way around. I want to live a happy life I just do not think it is possible.
     
  9. Tired32

    Tired32 Active Member

    I do not get to see my kids. Haven't even spoken to them in a year because their mother is more screwed up than I am. Her grandfather is prior law enforcement and even after having evidence of abuse that proves her unfit he still managed to pull strings for her to have them. But that is a small South Ga town for you. As far as moving in weith her parents. She has said she most likely wants a divorce. She does not want to live life tied to a marraige. She doesn't know any of this or what I am planning though. It is not becuase she is leaving it is because I am tired of the merry-go-round of pain and failure.
     
  10. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I am convinced beyond any reasonable shadow of a doubt, that you can't kill yourself when sane. Our will to live is basic instinct in us. It is the driving force that keeps us moving. In order to die by your own hand, ou have to get around that.

    And mental illness, such as situational depression, (which is what I have) allows us to get around that primary survival instincts.

    So that is how you want to go? Down and out beaten and blind?

    I know about that merry-go-round. I have been on that road before. Pan and despair where my only friends.

    But what I did and what you need to do, is start to learn to live for yourself.

    So your kids arent with you. If you do this thing, one day your kids will learn the truth of their dad. One day one of them will be up against a seemingly insurmountable problem, and will think, well if Dad did it, so can I.

    Suicide is contagious.

    Spend this time, reaching out and seeking help. Call the samaritans. If you have your method take it down to the hospital and have yourselve admitted. While you are in, you can call your wife to let her know what is going on.

    The main thing is trying to recover from this. There is help out there. You need to learn coping skills and that is something they can work with you on.
     
  11. Tired32

    Tired32 Active Member

    How do you learn to live for yourself? How? How did you get past this? Did you see a way out cause I am trying to and I don't. No I don't want my kids to be like me. I don't want anyone to be like me i am so screwed up. But I am scared to lert anyone ber around me anymore. I am not even stable for my self.
     
  12. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    That's why you need to seek help. You have to stabilize yourself first.

    Here's what happened to me. I was an alcoholic for over 20 years! It got really bad and out of hand during the past couple of years. So bad my wife took the kids and left me and filed for divorce.

    After a number of attempts, the worst one was when I had a foolproof method and decided at the last minute I couldnt do that to my kids even if I never saw them again. I went to the hospital and got help.

    Now my attitude has become one of, no one, or nothing is going to keep me down. I will never let anyone take me back to that place in my life again.

    It's just a way of thinking. It's an attitude adjustment. Plus I found my faith, and God is now in control of my life.

    But living for yourself means just that. Living for you. Do what you want. Eat what you want, stay up late or get up early. Watch whatever tv you want. Take time to enjoy the beauty of the natural world. All of that stuff. But you are doing it for you. No one else.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2009
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Bill is right; you need to try and seek help. You've made the first step, just by posting here and talking to people. You don't have to go through this alone, but you do need help. And you're worth it! :hug:
     
  14. Tired32

    Tired32 Active Member

    Right now this is the best I can do is talk on here. I am not sure if I want help and to start over again. I still have about two weeks though so maybe...we'll see.
     
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm glad you're at least willing to talk on here!!
     
  16. Tired32

    Tired32 Active Member

    This is the only place I feel I can talk right now. Even with past suicide attempts I have never been able to tell anyone of course my family and friends don't really want to know or care. This is the first time in a while I have felt like this. Some moments I almost think I can pull out but then all of it hits at once. For me it's not even day by day. Right now it is minute by minute.
     
  17. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    Hey man keep talkin i know its hard to talk even on here but you need to let someone know whats going on and how your feeling. Everybody needs sombody at one point or another, hell it has taken four different attempts for me before i finally came to terms with it. No matter what you think there is someone that cares about you wether its family or friends, or a crisis line or this forum. Its very difficult to come to realize exactly what there is to live for especially when you get as low as you are now, but being as you are unemployed maybe now is the best time to get help. Dont worry if you have to go to a psyc hospital they wont let anybody you dont want to know your there and as depressing as it may sound they are a great place to work on you and figgure out who and what you really are.

    and sometimes:poo:
     
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's okay to take things minute by minute if you need to. Just keep talking here; someone will always listen.
     
  19. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    I agree with Wildcherry.
     
  20. Tired32

    Tired32 Active Member

    Well today I seem to have a small reprieve. I don't know how long it will last. Usually just a little bit.I just see this hole getting deeper and deeper and even though there is a pause it is so hard to deal with this. Living with all this. Watcing my wife get ready to leave on the 20th, no job or any prospect of one. I am behind on child support ( not voluntarily) I haven't slept in several nights because of nightmares. I can't even concentrate on my schoolwork. I really am trying. Some moments I almost want to go on and some moments I don't know if I can even hold out until the 25th when I plan to leave this world. I'm sorry for all this I just need to put all this out somewhere. Don't mean to be a burden. I'm tired of it actually but right now I need to get some of this out.
     
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