• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

I've made plans to self harm and I can't snap out of it

Jsinjin

SF Supporter
#1
My head hurts so bad, I'm so down. I wanted to simply log into work reimbursements for health and my spouse started to help and within 15 min it was a screaming fight. It always is. I don't want to keep this up anymore. I hate how we live, I hate therapy, I hate trying to look in the bright side of things and reframe positive when it's all so horrible.
 

johnDoen

Well-Known Member
#2
"We live in a ... strange time." - someone from a Youtube ad about online economic course

How to be positive, especially in this strange time? I don't know, people slam me with "be positive" whenever I talk about my problems. I'd rather focus on the present, which is both negative and positive at the same time. It's like I know people are dying because of the virus but I know I can help preventing things getting worse by doing simple stuffs, such as wearing a mask and washing my hands. Is that positive now?

Anyways, how about you? Why do you need a plan for self-harming?
 
#3
I hate therapy, I hate trying to look in the bright side of things and reframe positive when it's all so horrible
I feel like the approach of your therapist is all wrong, from what I can remember you saying about it. Maybe some therapists have a goal of always trying to keep a marriage together, but I don't believe in that.

It sounds like you need a counselor who can help you understand that you're in an abusive relationship and help you leave it, rather than a counselor who will try to help you cope with an abusive one.
 

Butterfly

Sim Addict
Safety & Support
SF Author
SF Supporter
#4
You need to consider whether the abusive relationship your wife has with you is worth all this pain. Splitting up wont be easy but you can't carry on like this x
 
#5
Things that people might say or do, meaning well, but that make me feel worse:
  • You just have to leave her
  • You will never leave her
  • How many years has this been going on...?
  • I'd nothing changes nothing changes
I just saw your safety plan. What I posted probably fits into what you mentioned above. Sorry about that.

I'd love to help with a step-wise plan, if you could tell me what things you'd want to have as a goal.
 

Jsinjin

SF Supporter
#6
Thank you, this ties into years of living with a severe OCPP spouse. I spiraled into depression three years ago during an election (she is a local politician) and I was exhausted. We live in a home where hoarding and rules define all things to a point of ludicrousness. We have no financial issues; my job and career are successful enough to have paid off homes, card, no credit card debt etc. She does not work but spends 24-7 dealing with politics in her local elected role. Things are so bad that we still have every article of clothing from all three kids as babies, toddlers and teens and they are in high school or college. I have four junker vehicles in the driveway inoperable that I have replaced with brand new ones but the "memories are too important in the 2001 toyota sienna with 270k miles to get rid of".

When the election was going on my daughter was graduating from high school and I was beside myself trying to hide the garbage in the home where we reside from family and I learned there was to be a runoff election because no one in her race won. That night I left the home at 2 am and drove to the hospital where I sat completely lost until 7 am when I called her and said I was suicidal and needed to go in for an evaluation. She talked me out of it for the campaign. My siblings and mother staged an intervention and took me away to get help in an in patient clinic.

Her default reaction is violent anger. To tiny things like a spoon in the wrong drawer.

The next election is now here. She always draws opposition and a very polarizing figure. She is about to start again which is an all encompassing thing.

I recently bought a building in colorado that has an apartment upstairs. I am considering moving there for the election but I worry about my kids being with her 24-7.

That's my biggest worry to leaving. My kids. They don't like the idea of me leaving. We have all talked about how our lives are not normal.and we are scared of her but they care about the parent part of family.
 
#7
It sounds incredibly hard to live with someone like her.
That's my biggest worry to leaving. My kids.
Many people have been in abusive relationships, and many of the issues are the same. Worrying about what might happen to children is a common issue. Because so many people have been in similar situations, good ways to deal with this are generally known.

What I've written below is intended to help in forming a step-wise plan. If you don't want that, or don't feel ready for that, it's ok to ignore it.

I hope something can help.
-----------------------
This link has a list of documents about domestic violence and abuse
https://www.hotpeachpages.net/lang/index.html#English

www.hotpeachpages.net also has a list of contact information for domestic violence and abuse organizations that might be able to get you in touch with a DV counselor.

So in terms of a step-wise plan, you might

1. Learn more about domestic violence and abuse
2. Try to get in touch with a DV counselor and discuss what's going on
3. Find a good divorce lawyer and have a confidential discussion about what's going on

None of those steps would require you to make a commitment to taking any particular action. It's ok to just talk about those things.

If you did decide that you wanted to take action, a lawyer might be able to advise you about gathering evidence of abuse.

If you've got some evidence to back you, and your kids would also back up your version of what's going on, you may simply be able to leave for Colorado with your kids (I don't know the details of the law, so a lawyer would have to advise you on that part).

A lawyer could present her with an out-of-court settlement. For example, you get to leave with the kids, and there is some form of mutually acceptable financial arrangement. You wouldn't even have to be legally divorced in order to live apart.

If she agrees to the settlement, you could agree to try to prevent it from being an election issue. Maybe she could have some form of supervised visitation with the kids.

I don't know if it would all work out as well as I imagine it would, but that's at least a plausible outcome.

Someone who understands obsessive-compulsive disorder might be able to help give some advice about how to handle things.
 
#8
My head hurts so bad, I'm so down. I wanted to simply log into work reimbursements for health and my spouse started to help and within 15 min it was a screaming fight. It always is. I don't want to keep this up anymore. I hate how we live, I hate therapy, I hate trying to look in the bright side of things and reframe positive when it's all so horrible.
I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. Those close to us can sometimes love us so much but still get under our skin and know how to fight with us without even trying. I am sorry that you feel this way. It is very hard. It isn't necessarily a permanent thing. It will look different in three days. I wont pretend to know the intricacies of your relationship and life, but you made such a good choice coming here to vent.
Im thinking of you and hoping you feel safe and clear now that you've let some of it out.
It can be okay, mate.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$305.00
Goal
$255.00
Top