40 years of struggle, hating the face I see in the mirror every day. I've managed over half of the marathon but it's all looking downhill from here on in and the finish line is in sight. My body is falling apart, going grey, sagging and hurting - which will get worse. Family and pets will continue to die until I'm probably going to be the only one left. The planet is dying as we leech it for every resource going and things will get worse. I've had some good times, some good memories but can't really say any of them were life changing. Joy has been all too fleeting whereas pain and depression has lasted for decades. I can't see things improving but at least I tried. I stayed around for others, not for myself. They say suicide is selfish but maybe struggling on for so long has been the most selfless act I could do.