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I've never been so down in my whole life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by souncide, Jan 15, 2014.

  1. souncide

    souncide Well-Known Member

    And I don't know what I should do.
    My grandfather is very ill, and everyday it gets worse. He doesn't remember no one's name anymore, barely can walk and my family makes him take medication to sleep just so he can't walk around and hurt himself. We live really close to each other, but I've barely seen him these days. Either he's sleeping when I go there, either I feel so drained I have to cut my visit in half and come back home to lay in bed.
    This has been another issue. I haven't worked right in days. I try to bring myself to do some translations, to make music, but I just can't, no matter how hard I try, I just keep laying in bed and some rare times sitting on my desk. I feel like deadweight.
    I haven't been able to eat anymore. Everytime I eat anything, my body tries to make me puke the same instant. No, I'm not forcing myself to do it, my body just tries to reject food everytime I eat. As a result, I've eating less than I used to - which not only makes me have even less energy than I already was having, but also makes my teeth hurt really much everytime I eat something. They've been unaccustomed with their basic task.
    I feel abandoned by everyone. It's like I've been replaced in some people's lives. And this destroys me an awfuly lot. Even if I'm wrong, the pure feeling of being replaced is enough to make me feel like shit.
    Recently, I discovered I not only have a really severe depression, but I may also be bipolar and have anxiety at its highest levels. And, as usual, I can't find help at home -everyone thinks I just have teenage drama and that I need God in my life again to be happy. Little do they know that I do have God in my life, but this alone isn't enough to help anyone.
    I've been crying a lot these days. Before sleep, while laying on bed unable to do anything, at random moments - and there goes another reason why I don't leave my house that often. I just cry and have a bunch of bad thoughts and memories. Voices screaming at me. Making me remember when I was 12 and was bullied, when I was 15 and was abandoned again, making me remember every single bad moment I had in my life.
    I don't know what to do anymore. I can't seek for professional help because I have no money, neither my family will help me. I have no courage at all to kill myself, but if someone killed myself or if I just died, I don't think I'd mind. I'm desperate.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can reach out to someone a councilor at your school it is free or a church person minister priest all have been trained to give councelling to help ones with depression ok Crisis line they have been trained also to listen and to help you