I've never felt so alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by smackh2o, Apr 19, 2007.

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  1. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I wish i was dead, i cant kep this up. this whole facade. help i was getting, ha, what a farce, help. no help for me and many like me. just a drudging ceremony of internal feelings that no one cares to understand. not even those closest to me. i tried my hardest to help others and i feel the hypocrit for doing so. im so sorry for all those who will never get that dream. im so sorry i could cry for each and every one of you. it makes me sick this world and all its evils. its insensitivity and its selfishness. my own parents are givimng up on me becuase im acting like a depressed person would. maybe ill show them what happens when you give up on someone that needs help. maybe i'll show them the bloody remains of thier offspring and see the depreration ton their faces that ive endured for over 7 years. i know some of you hav suffere more than me and it kills me to think of how bad it must feel. i wish there was a place where we could meet and live away romt he crulety of this ocean of torment and spend eternity basking in knowledge and freindship. ive never felt so alone.
     
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    keep trying to help others, as stupid as it feels, in the end people will remember you for being there.

    just hold on.
     
  3. Flight

    Flight Well-Known Member

    You feel so much; I almost forget what it's like to feel so much.

    It's terrible, isn't it? You feel the sick, slow pulse of the world and it drives you mad.

    But you said there are many others out there like you. We all need each other - we all need ourselves too.

    Your parents... just like you they are frusterated. They might not know what to do to help, or they are just scared. Just like you, they start to look for another way, but believe me... believe me... they love you and their world will be utterly destroyed if you took your own life.

    They probably wouldn't even have the strength left to follow you to death - they would be shells, bouncing listlisly through existence. That punishment is too harsh - you know you still love them deep inside, no matter how much you hate them. They love you too, trust me. But we all get frusterated.

    Existence is cruel as you say. And you are right, but that's not the full picture. Out there are people just like you who feel like you. They want to live, they just don't know how anymore. You've even helped some of them. That's a treasure greater than any physical thing. That's hope. And it's in short supply.

    This next part will sound weird, but trust me. You can see the world for what it really is. You know the pain and suffering people can go through. That knowledge is a dark gift. A gift that can be used to bring hope this dark world. You know what others are feeling and what real desperation feels like. We don't really want to die, do we? We just don't want to have to live anymore - not here anyway.

    I would far rather a world of people who felt too much than those who live in ignorance. But we can help each other, and help ourselves. In my experience, no one else can really, truly help you but you. But we are here to listen.

    It's not very hard yet impossible all at once, it depends on your perspective. Just focus on enjoying today, this minute, this second. Don't do something addictive (like drugs) since that makes your mind weaker. Just do something you enjoy. Go somewhere calm and just breathe, look around, and forget about crap like the future, school, work, or other non-sense. It really is non-sense when it all boils down. Don't let it burden your soul.

    No matter what, don't give up on yourself. Nothing matters except yourself in the end.

    Live. We're all in this together, and on our own all at once.

    Lords, I hope that made some semblance of sense!
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I have no words H2 but am thinking of you and sending you a :hug:
    YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
     
  5. noplacetogo

    noplacetogo Well-Known Member

    It would be an absolute tragedy for someone so sensitive and caring as you to die because you feel so alone. You have helped me through so much and I know you have it in yourself to help you escape this darkness. I know you think that the people in your life don't care about the depression you're going through, but perhaps they just find it too hard sometimes to have to see you suffer so much without knowing what to do to help you, so they shut down and try to avoid it. It's the wrong thing to do, but it's the reality sometimes. I don't think your parents are giving up on you. I believe they love you dearly, they just don't know how to help you, and punishing them for thier naivety would be sad both for them and the people who care about you.
    This facade you've been wearing seems like it's taken it's toll. The way you express yourself here should be the way you express yourself to those who are closest to you. you say they don't care to understand, it might just be too hard for them to understand. I think there's a lot of pressure put on people who don't know how it feels to be suicidal or depressed to understand those who are, or for anyone to understand anyone else completely for that matter. but i know you have people who love you a lot and want to see you happy. try to find the ones who will understand and can help, and forgive the ones who don't.
    It must be so hard for you right now, but please try to hold on to any bit of hope you have. The world is cruel, but to lose someone like you in this world, would send it over the edge.
     
  6. Jolanta

    Jolanta Member & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    To h2osmack:

    Sweetie, your pain comes through in your message so very clear. Feeling alone is a primary symptom of depression, so there is no surprise there. But, depression can change the appearance of things so that you are deceived. As Flight and noplacetogo have said, your parents probably just do not know how to help you, so it seems that they have given up. They are doing the best they can with what they have. From reading your posting, I surmise that you are a very caring person. Otherwise you would not have mentioned the pain other people feel in their depression. But the purpose of this forum is for us to be here in support of each other. We need each other and there is strength in numbers. Hang in there honey, we are pulling for you. And it does get better. I promise. :hug:
     
  7. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I cant thank you enough for your replies. Last night I felt so extremely low. As low as the day I broke to peices and told my parents what was wrong which wasnt easy. It's all the hype from finally getting help and then it not working and feeling trapped becuase I cant see my doctor. I'm not normally like that but I just lost control. All of your words are wisdom and cheers for your hug Terry :) me feel loads better, all of you. Thank you.
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Good...am very very glad...and here's another :hug:
     
  9. Jolanta

    Jolanta Member & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    To H2O
    So glad you are feeling better :hug: Now, please go tell your parents exactly what you have told us. They can't help you if they don't know. Also, they can be prepared in case it comes back. They will know what to look for.
    The world would be a poorer place without you.

    Jolanta
     
  10. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I wish I could but theyre going to Scotland and I dont want to make their trip crap. I'll tell my sister instead, she seems to care. Just she lives a while away and I dont have a car but its kool. Thanks for caring, I love this site and the people on it.
     
  11. LaLaLullaby

    LaLaLullaby Well-Known Member

    Loneliness...
    Wish you didn't have to feel that way, especially since you reach out to people. You're insightful, honest, but calm...

    Flight is right. It can be considered a gift. Just depends how to view it.
     
  12. AlwaysRain

    AlwaysRain Active Member

    I'm thinking about it all the time
     
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