I've never felt so hopeless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JDM, Apr 14, 2013.

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  1. JDM

    JDM New Member

    I honestly think I'm going insane. There's no other explanation for this. I have BPD and have always struggled emotionally but I've never wanted to die. I have no friends and am always alone. I'm almost 21 and not in school. But none of this is what bothers me. The reason I want to die is not a sane one. And I can't tell anyone because I'll probably be committed if I do. I can't even live with myself. This is the stupidest reason for wanting to die. I'm literally ashamed of myself for even thinking it.
    I've been obsessed with Jim Morrison since I was 16. I've dated guys but I've never felt anything for anyone. The only person I feel anything for is him. I know, it's completely and totally insane right? I can't even blame my BPD for this because it has nothing to do with that. This is all me and I can't even find the words to describe how messed up it is. I don't belong in this time. Everything I want and need is long gone. I'm chronically empty and the only person who can fill the void has been dead longer than I've been alive. No one can even come close to comparing to him. I'll always want and need someone I'll never be able to know and the pain of that knowledge is more than I can bear. I just don't see the point.
    I've never been happy. I've never had excitement or adventure in my life. I've never been in love and nothing has ever satisfied me. I've always wanted something that isn't there. I belong in the 60s. And I know that no matter what I do or say I'll never be able to go back in time. I'll never get rid of this emptiness and longing. I'll never experience love or any of those things. I am literally stuck with no way out. The only way out is death and even then I won’t have him. So everything is worthless. The meaning of life is love and for me, love is Jim. But I’ll never have Jim and so I’ll never have love. So life has no meaning for me. And if I tell anyone this they’ll think I’m insane. And what’s the point of even telling anyone? It’s not like they’ll be able to change anything. And they’ll never understand. No one will ever understand how much it hurts to love someone that doesn’t exist anymore.
    And it’s almost worst knowing that because I feel this way and think this way, Jim wouldn’t love me even if I did go back in time. He’d think I was insane. And I am insane. Why else would I feel this way? And I’m not even getting anything out of it. I’m not going mad in the name of love, or excitement or even friendship. I’m going mad in the name of solitude, emptiness and loneliness. I’m going crazy in the name of something I never had and never will have.
     
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel alone and out of time...I feel I'm in the wrong era too, but to be honest I don't know what era I belong in...only that I don't fit in with most people...and I like imaginary characters...not actors just characters, or anime characters...I relate to them better or find them better company than real people most of the time, so you're not alone in this..I've never been in love either even though I did date, I had sex...it just never gave me butterflies in my stomach or anything like that...

    I'm pretty sure there are other people who feel the same as you....so don't give up...you're only 21, you've barely done anything...I'm 30...and when I was 21 I felt so old and that there was no point...now I feel a bit better about things though....

    why won't you seek help? like a nurse, psychologist, therapist etc? it could help a whole lot...at least to vent without being judge or that at least, they understand you...
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Good you are talking about how you feel hun it helps. You deserve understanding and more hun so please reach out for help ok to a professional in real life do that for YOU hugs
     
  4. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hugs.

    i don't think that's a stupid reason for wanting to die at all

    i totally understand- in fact even i have had thoughts about being better off in the 60's

    but now my thoughts are well.. i'm better off no where.

    not on this earth anyway

    huggles again
     
  5. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    you should reach out to a nurse/doctor pysch or councellor and basically speak to them about how and why you feeling so low and depressed and see what they suggest x but if you do become very unstable then please go the hospital and present your self at a+e x
     
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