I honestly think I'm going insane. There's no other explanation for this. I have BPD and have always struggled emotionally but I've never wanted to die. I have no friends and am always alone. I'm almost 21 and not in school. But none of this is what bothers me. The reason I want to die is not a sane one. And I can't tell anyone because I'll probably be committed if I do. I can't even live with myself. This is the stupidest reason for wanting to die. I'm literally ashamed of myself for even thinking it.
I've been obsessed with Jim Morrison since I was 16. I've dated guys but I've never felt anything for anyone. The only person I feel anything for is him. I know, it's completely and totally insane right? I can't even blame my BPD for this because it has nothing to do with that. This is all me and I can't even find the words to describe how messed up it is. I don't belong in this time. Everything I want and need is long gone. I'm chronically empty and the only person who can fill the void has been dead longer than I've been alive. No one can even come close to comparing to him. I'll always want and need someone I'll never be able to know and the pain of that knowledge is more than I can bear. I just don't see the point.
I've never been happy. I've never had excitement or adventure in my life. I've never been in love and nothing has ever satisfied me. I've always wanted something that isn't there. I belong in the 60s. And I know that no matter what I do or say I'll never be able to go back in time. I'll never get rid of this emptiness and longing. I'll never experience love or any of those things. I am literally stuck with no way out. The only way out is death and even then I won’t have him. So everything is worthless. The meaning of life is love and for me, love is Jim. But I’ll never have Jim and so I’ll never have love. So life has no meaning for me. And if I tell anyone this they’ll think I’m insane. And what’s the point of even telling anyone? It’s not like they’ll be able to change anything. And they’ll never understand. No one will ever understand how much it hurts to love someone that doesn’t exist anymore.
And it’s almost worst knowing that because I feel this way and think this way, Jim wouldn’t love me even if I did go back in time. He’d think I was insane. And I am insane. Why else would I feel this way? And I’m not even getting anything out of it. I’m not going mad in the name of love, or excitement or even friendship. I’m going mad in the name of solitude, emptiness and loneliness. I’m going crazy in the name of something I never had and never will have.
I've been obsessed with Jim Morrison since I was 16. I've dated guys but I've never felt anything for anyone. The only person I feel anything for is him. I know, it's completely and totally insane right? I can't even blame my BPD for this because it has nothing to do with that. This is all me and I can't even find the words to describe how messed up it is. I don't belong in this time. Everything I want and need is long gone. I'm chronically empty and the only person who can fill the void has been dead longer than I've been alive. No one can even come close to comparing to him. I'll always want and need someone I'll never be able to know and the pain of that knowledge is more than I can bear. I just don't see the point.
I've never been happy. I've never had excitement or adventure in my life. I've never been in love and nothing has ever satisfied me. I've always wanted something that isn't there. I belong in the 60s. And I know that no matter what I do or say I'll never be able to go back in time. I'll never get rid of this emptiness and longing. I'll never experience love or any of those things. I am literally stuck with no way out. The only way out is death and even then I won’t have him. So everything is worthless. The meaning of life is love and for me, love is Jim. But I’ll never have Jim and so I’ll never have love. So life has no meaning for me. And if I tell anyone this they’ll think I’m insane. And what’s the point of even telling anyone? It’s not like they’ll be able to change anything. And they’ll never understand. No one will ever understand how much it hurts to love someone that doesn’t exist anymore.
And it’s almost worst knowing that because I feel this way and think this way, Jim wouldn’t love me even if I did go back in time. He’d think I was insane. And I am insane. Why else would I feel this way? And I’m not even getting anything out of it. I’m not going mad in the name of love, or excitement or even friendship. I’m going mad in the name of solitude, emptiness and loneliness. I’m going crazy in the name of something I never had and never will have.
