This happened last night, and I wrote it all down when I got up this morning:
I was in bed, ready to fall asleep, when something in me snapped. For no noticeable reason, I had a sudden feeling of utter emptiness. And right then I thought to myself: “I just want to die.”
Immediately I was horrified by my clear thought. I’d contemplated the thought of suicide before, but never seriously. But right then I truly felt that I should just kill myself. I had no reason to suddenly think this; everything in my life was going well right then. School was over for the year, I had no stress, etc. I should have felt very happy right then. But I didn’t feel happy. In fact, I didn’t even feel sad. It’s hard to describe that sudden emptiness I felt. I can’t really put it into words. I kept telling myself that there’s no reason to commit suicide. That common phrase “It gets better” kept running through my head. But the thing is, there was nothing to get better. My life is far from bad. I was fine, and there was nothing wrong. I was just empty.
I’m scared of this feeling. I don’t understand it. There was nothing stopping me from killing myself right then, and I was desperately searching for a reason not to. But there was nothing.
Nothing.
Can someone please explain this to me? I’ve never felt this before, besides fleeting little thoughts. I need an explanation. Tell me this is normal, tell me everyone thinks this once in their lives.
I was in bed, ready to fall asleep, when something in me snapped. For no noticeable reason, I had a sudden feeling of utter emptiness. And right then I thought to myself: “I just want to die.”
Immediately I was horrified by my clear thought. I’d contemplated the thought of suicide before, but never seriously. But right then I truly felt that I should just kill myself. I had no reason to suddenly think this; everything in my life was going well right then. School was over for the year, I had no stress, etc. I should have felt very happy right then. But I didn’t feel happy. In fact, I didn’t even feel sad. It’s hard to describe that sudden emptiness I felt. I can’t really put it into words. I kept telling myself that there’s no reason to commit suicide. That common phrase “It gets better” kept running through my head. But the thing is, there was nothing to get better. My life is far from bad. I was fine, and there was nothing wrong. I was just empty.
I’m scared of this feeling. I don’t understand it. There was nothing stopping me from killing myself right then, and I was desperately searching for a reason not to. But there was nothing.
Nothing.
Can someone please explain this to me? I’ve never felt this before, besides fleeting little thoughts. I need an explanation. Tell me this is normal, tell me everyone thinks this once in their lives.
