I've never really felt this bad before

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fayt, Jul 27, 2015.

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  1. Fayt

    Fayt Member

    So I've reached a point where the only thing on my mind is how much I'd like to kill myself. I seriously think that the only thing im capable of feeling (either emotionally or physically) is pain. It's constantly emanating from inside me and oozes out in the form of constant suicidal thoughts. What I don't really understand is why self-harming seems to be the only thing that makes me feel any better. It's almost as if my head feels clouded by all the pain and the suicidal thoughts but when I hurt myself physically I get clarity for a short time. That said, I can't really stop self-harming for the time being. Does anyone understand what the reason behind my...I don't know, I guess I'll describe it as a "need" to self-harm in order to feel "normal", "clear" and "alright" is? Because I really don't get why it's the only thing that makes me feel okay. Seems a bit ironic that hurting myself because of the constant pain that I feel is the one thing that makes me feel somewhat better. Does/has anyone else feel/felt this way? What do I do? Should I kill myself...I mean, it feels like I should, but is there anything that can take the pain away?
     
  2. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    Self-harm isn't effective (in terms of relief), at least in my case. It's been a year since I started self-harming, and I've only recently felt relief, but it was negligible. Why I've been hurting myself for so long despite having not felt relief is because it's basically a distraction. I wouldn't be punishing my body, if I didn't hate myself and enjoy it to some degree. I get more satisfaction depending on the severity of the wound that I've inflicted onto myself; I even get a sense of accomplishment, although it's pretty trivial. Often I've felt worse from self-harming, namely cutting, because I'd cut too many times at once and think, "Why is this my life?" Not to mention knowing that I'll have to live with these scars, if I decide to live, adds to the frustration and misery.

    Well, I hope this helps somehow. You shouldn't kill yourself, and I'd rather you not kill yourself. I don't know why you're feeling this way, but I can relate to almost everything you said. Do you know why you're having suicidal thoughts?
     
  3. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I don't self harm, but I can relate with what you're saying about constant pain. I never feel happiness anymore. I'm always thinking about how much that I just want to die to stop the pain.
     
  4. Fayt

    Fayt Member

    I've been having suicidal thoughts for the past 4 years...maybe 6? Mainly because my family seems to look down on me for the things that do or do not make me happy. It started when I was in high school, it continued when I was in college, and now that i've stopped going to school it only has gotten worse. My family seems to think less of me for not finishing school (because going everyday made me want to drive off a cliff). In the past they've said that I'm worthless, they've acted like nothing I do matters and they generally don't listen to me when I try to bring up how I feel, why I feel this way or any of my solutions. I want to kill myself because these people think that I'm content living in a house where all I want to do is kill myself. They act as if I think it's fun to sit at my parent's house, trying to get a job, and ultimately feeling worthless for not having a job. I hate my family, I hate being alive near them and I hate the way that they can sit there and pretend that nothing is wrong while I'm walking around the house with clearly exposed injuries. After a few years of having the thoughts that you are worthless, and that nobody cares...you kind of just take it to heart and assume that it's probably true. Cutting myself brings me relief...or at least the closest thing to relief that I've felt in a long time. I just wish I understood why that was.
     
  5. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    I see. Your family has really said you're worthless? I can't even comprehend that. Whenever you're ready, and whenever they're ready to listen to you, I think you should talk to them about how that makes you feel and get an apology. My parents, especially my mother, had said and done things that enhanced my depression, and I've always resented them for it and never got closure. Anyway, my college education has been on hiatus for almost a year. I dropped my classes midway through fall semester of my sophomore year because my suicidal thoughts were too intense for me to concentrate, and I was failing as a result. I used to walk around home with exposed injuries, but that just made everyone feel helpless and ultimately got me sent to the hospital on two occasions.

    Just to be clear, I'm not making any of this about me. I'm expressing to you that, in regards to our depression, we have a lot in common. I wish I had an answer or solution for you, but because we're in a similar predicament, I can only listen and try to demonstrate that you're not alone. Even if you still feel alone, I get it.
     
  6. Thegap_

    Thegap_ New Member

    I used to self harm. I was stupid enough to have my cuts seen by a teacher at school who sent me to councilling. I was told that self harm is used as an escape. The physical pain is a distraction for the mental pain. People turn to self harm in the same way people turn to drink and drugs- it offers release and therefor becomes addicting and you become needy to the pain.
    It's been 7 years and now I'm very depressed again but Iv never turned back to self harm. Sweet heart speak to someone and I promise yourll find other solutions.
    I hope your okay, I'll add you too my prays xx
     
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