I've never told anyone this before.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Gergin, Sep 10, 2014.

  1. Gergin

    Gergin Well-Known Member

    "Why did you join the army?"

    I get asked that a lot. I've always gave them the same answer though.

    "To better myself."
    This answer was perfect. It gave them just enough coil to spin stories in their heads about me.
    That they didn't seek to ask anymore questions. That answer had my whole life story in it.
    but in truth I joined cause I want to die.
    I wanted to die in such a way no one can be angry with me.
    To die a noble death.

    I don't see myself dying in a fire fight any time soon.
    So that leaves the alternative.
    and when I weight the differences of living and extermination
    I think dying is a better option.
    If I kill myself, the few people who know me will be grieving.
    But hey, there are like only 5 stages to grieving.
    they will get over it in a heartbeat.
    On the other hand, if I continue living.
    I will constantly wake up with this uncertainty smothering me like a blanket.
    And I will also wake up to this haunting loneliness that just mocks me.
    but waking up to these things isn't as bad as the quiet pain I feel in my chest.
    It's there, like a shadow. Stalking me. Even when I have good days. I can still feel it and I just know that the pain is there. I've always felt this quiet storm in my chest, ever since I was a child. It just got bigger and bigger every time something significant good or bad. Mainly bad. happened to me. Now it is so big that I can not ignore the damage that it is doing to my soul. I need to end my life before I lose myself to this storm.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2014
  2. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    It can't rain everyday.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Gergin, what's causing you so much pain? Hope you'll continue to reach out here, seek support. Here if you ever feel like talking.