I've only been hurt when I care....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bloodrose, Mar 11, 2008.

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  1. Bloodrose

    Bloodrose Member

    I've been stripped down till I can't go any lower... Have honestly, literally, no friends my life, can't seem to make them either... I'm 29 years old, and I certainly hope that I do get my pills on to end it all...

    I'm not happy about anything in my life... and the only way I can live by daily is to be what I am now (people say that I'm totally fine... and that there is nothing wrong with me these days...) is basically not to care anymore about anything... (not about myself, others, work. anything)... And in effect of listening to them... I've really become a person that can't care for others anymore...

    I've never had a life where I could be happy and normal... Never had dad, my mom was in her own world and I wasn't to budge in, relatives were (shall we say (that)) family love comes with a knife. I had major gender issues, never had real friends, never had boyfriends... I grew up with books for company... And in my midsts of all that depression, failed in my academics, and hence failed to make myself into even a proper career workhorse. My path led me into enough depression enough to "colour" my life with clinical schizophrenia, which in turn, led to autism, more brain damage, and a total inability to study, work, or socialise even in the most minor of ways...

    I have no passions, no hobbies, no life... I can't relate to anyone... because when I can feel for someone... my depression comes running back to me...

    the only way I managed to life so long, is to "demature" in all ways...

    I'm certainly not capable of handling life in any way... and living on like this has no meaning to me I certainly did not have the privillege of being born in a normal body and life either...

    I just wanted to be normal... and I didn't want a chance at life to be a once upon a time... but I've come to realise that not everyone is given chances...


    I can't fight on when I care, and am totally lacking a life when I don't...


    I'm just waiting to come by sufficient pills to end it all...
     
  2. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    Can't say I'm in the same situation. But I can relate to the anhedonia, and if I knew how to sort that out I probably wouldn't be in a place like this.

    I take it you've tried some sort(s) of professional help?
     
  3. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I'm in a similar situation. The only thing that concerns me these days is the effect of a botched suicide. If only suicide were simpler, I'd definitely do it.
     
  4. Bloodrose

    Bloodrose Member

    true.... I'm tired of living like this... i hope I come by the pills soon...
     
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please hang in there Bloodrose. Your life isn't over yet. I know that you have many challenges to deal with, and it may seem like there is no hope left. But don't give up. It's ok to be different. Everyone is different in their own way. I'm sure that you have lots of good qualities to offer. Please don't take an overdose of pills. It could damage your organs and leave you in worse off shape than you are now. Stay safe. :hug:
     
  6. Bloodrose

    Bloodrose Member

    no Dave.... even if hurts me that you're using the portrait of Jesus...

    I really need to die right...

    The only reason I haven't jumped yet is because I'm afraid of being alive after an attempted jump.
     
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