I've reached my breaking point...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stranger1, Mar 21, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I am so tired of fighting all of this...It's been 42 years of pure hell..The only time I was happy was when I would get high,..I've been sleeping alot here lately..I jsut see the darkness moving in... The light is disappearing..I have so many psych problems that I am on a ton of meds..They work for some of my problems..I have been in total isolation for over twenty years.. I stay locked away in my bedroom..I just can't find a way to fight it anymore.. I have my methods all set in place..It will be over quickly.. Please don't tell me to see a therapist.. I saw one for the last five years..It helped at first then it got montinous... We ran out of things to talk about and I kept repeating myself.. Everytime I would bring up suicide she would just ignore it and talk about something else..I guess she didn't want to be held responsible if I go thru with it..I want to say thank you to my friends here on the forum.. You have saved me a couple of times..This time I have made up my mind..This is the first time I have entered a thread on the suicide forum..Good bye my friends!!
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Have you thought about being admitted to have your meds reviewed and changed as necessary? I say hospitalized because that would be the safest place for a good pdoc to do that...maybe worth a try...so sorry you are feeling so awful...you do deserve to feel better...big hugs
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Please don't do this okay YOU have fought hard and you deserve to not leave this world alone okay Please go to hospital sign yourself in to there get some new meds newer ones that do help abilify for one Please stranger don't do this okay i know the fight is hard but don't give in now call crisis okay hugs
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member


    I really wish I could do something to take away your pain. I'm sorry I've not been around lately. I know things have been tough for you these past few months.

    Please re-consider your options, you've been here before & you've got through it. I agree with J & Total Eclipse, please go to the hospital. I know you're against it but I want you to be safe. They can set you up with a new therapist. I understand your trust issues & it took you a while to open up to Gina, but you admit it yourself, things went stale a while back - your relationship is no longer therapist/client, you're more like acquaintances now. A new therapist may be able to offer a different perspective, I'm not asking you to bare your soul. But please try, you owe yourself that much.

    Please stay safe. I love you xx
  5. Caop

    Caop New Member

    The people responding before me are spot on, you should follow their advice. It may seem hard, but it really is worth trying.
  6. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I have no idea why no one's mentioned this yet, but you could try ECT without being admitted into a hospital. I've heard that it can have some crazy good effects. It's painless and easy.

    Maybe just a consultation could help. Anything to give you hope, man.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2011
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Oh stranger1 I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.:sad:.I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you lately...I'm not doing well myself...isolation is never good for us
    I hope you follow the others advice and get some more help..maybe a new med that will allow you to get out more could help..and definately sounds like you need a new fresh therapist
    I thank you for being my friend and I hope you will find a reason to keep going..
    please stay safe :hugtackles::wub:
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi joseph

    it's not time. don't do it, okay? get a new therapist. get some new meds. c'mon, hang in there. you were one of the first friends i made here. we old timers have to stick together. for now, go to the hospital and let them take care of you. i know you know how to do this. you've told me the same when i needed it.

  9. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Hi Joseph, I'm sorry it's gotten so painful again. Maybe try the ECT? I've been through several rounds and it does help tremendously though not permanently but getting out of this danger right now is most important. Certainly see your psychiatrist to have modifications to your medications. Maybe think of trying therapy again- most therapists will not dodge the subject of suicide.

    Can you take a trip with a family member to a park or nature preserve tomorrow? Going to a quiet park helps me enormously- it gets me out of my stuck thoughts. Please make an emergency call to your psychiatrist, please?
  10. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    What drugs were you using that made you feel happy? Not for nothing, but if and when I feel so bad I'll get high. That said, to be honest, I'm not taking any anti depressants.

    I know alcohol and drugs are dangerous things, especially with depression, but lets be honest, millions of people use them and in some cases, in moderation, its not dangerous. Indeed, being sober for the sake of it - imagining we all have to carry this cross, without a break, is dangerous.

    I'm not saying go on a coke binge, in fact, avoid all class A drugs if you can. Beer and a bong, one or the other. Each his own I guess and like I say, dangers exist whatever what you lay this 'game'.

    I hear you on life brother - I hate that it can get that bad, and get frustrated sometimes. I'm older than you - not by much mind - but I'm still here. Sure, I wish I was dead with everyone else at times. I'm not some tourist when it comes down to depression. I'm sitting with the 'black dog' in the corner. Sometimes its on my lap, dragging the lead, walking me for f**** sake!

    As for locked in a bedroom/bedsit - been there and done that. It gets you down though, lack of sunlight, lack of fresh air and so on. Even your appetite is reduced. Even if you were not depressed, you would be if confined for so long.

    But you know all this, right?

    As for therapists, maybe you've met the wrong one. I'm guessing that like anything, you either 'get on' with people or not. Whilst its OK to maybe work alongside people you'd not socialise with or be drawn to in an intellectual sense, I figure you need to not only trust a therapist but actually like them. Plus hope they never woke up on the wrong side of bed!

    Ignoring suicide is wrong for a professional. Someone not trained, you expect them to maybe move the conversation to a safer topic - or be genuinely unable to understand why you want to die.

    Even so, I think that your life, bad as it seems, does mean something and it does matter. 42 is no age these days. You got time to take other paths in life - you can still fall in love - and that does not change with age.

    If your medication is not working - you can always adjust it. I'm not sure what you are using but often its the case that someone just taking one medication needs 3 or 4 more to deal with side effects. Also, new medicines come out all the time. I have a few relatives piloting various drugs, for one ailment or the other.

    There's no pill called hope though. That's just something inside us that may or may not blossom a little if medications ease the problems a little. Hope lies in doing something, anything, just to fill any empty days. I'd look for some therapy group perhaps, something that can get you out a little bit and get you used to being around people again.

    Some of us are decent enough I guess.

    Your own company can get tedious sometimes, but for some, solitary confinement in prison would be like a Buddhist retreat. I guess you enjoy your own company when you spend less time with it!

    Hope you decide to live.

    My sincerest empathy and sympathy to you.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Please please get some help okay please hugs:hugtackles:
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You are my brother!!!!! Joseph you have helped me and so many others. Dont deny us the chance to help you now when you need us. I know you're in a rut. Feeling like nothing is going to change and nothing is going to get better. Hun please it is a dark place. But you have been here before and you have made it through. No one expects you to do it alone. We are here for you hun.

    What ever you have planned, please walk away from it. Atleast for tonight. Instead take the help being offered here. Then once you are a little more stable, call the crisis line or admit yourself to the hospital. Hun you are so worth the effort. Get those meds and their levels checked. Take a couple of days in the hospital to rest. To rethink what is in your head right now. Bro please!!!
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    we're all worried for you J...please,please get some help
  14. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    you have helped so many people here :hug:

    please stay, come talk to folks. You have so much to offer and a good heart as well.

  15. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Ive seen you post, you have such a huge heart and your so caring. I hope that you rethink your decision and start living for yourself, forget about therapy-move on past all the blah, move past analyzing life, just live it for a while and see what happens.

    Call you doc, ask him to readjust your meds, youve have felt that happiness before dont give up on feeling it again.

    Here if you want to talk, I dont know much about your past so I would be a new ear, even if you just want to chat.
  16. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you for your replies...Heres a list of what I go thru on a daily basis..
    Mood Swings
    Irrational thoughts
    Borderline Personality Disorder
    I fight these on a daily basis. For the most part my meds work..I have just gotten to the point where I am just tired of fighting it..I'm 54 and have been fighting for 42 years..I don't have a date set yet but know I will eventually take my own life..The hospital is out.. The last time I was in there they cut half my meds and things just got worst.. I lied to them so I could get out..Then I got my refills filled..For the time being I will try and help others because it takes my mind off my problems..Since I lost my car I have isolated even more..The only time I go out is to get my refills..So I rush around like a madman..Then I go straight home and back into my bedroom..My family doesn't understand whats happening with me.. So I don't talk to them about whats happening..
  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Im understand i do i hope you are able to please get a new therapist okay one with eyes that perhaps see different ways of helping you. Have you tired the newer meds Joseph they are so effective and have less side effects If you go to hospital they can try these new one with you and you will feel so much better you won't have to fight as much maybe For now i am glad to see you posting again that is good as i know it helps alot hugs to you okay:hugtackles:
  18. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Look at what you go through every single day, I know its stressful but your a strong person, you know how life can and is supose to be, now you just have to force yourself to start trying again, youve talked yourself into giving up, and thats not fair to you. Its not fair when youve had to struggle so much to just give in now.

    If you could do something or change something what would it be, can you start with something small in life then work your way down the list, you may not get to a point where eveything is hunkydorey but it is your life and it is what you make it.

    I know I can be full of sh*t, I should take my own advice, I just hate to see that your hurting so much, hate to see anyone hurt. Dont let this be your only option.
  19. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Joseph I'm so glad you've decided to postpone your plans...
    I also understand how hard it must be for you to go on with what you are suffering daily...
    just a thought...is there a support group or 2 in your area where you can talk to others with problems that you have? I'm a believer that support groups help..
    It may get you out of the house more often but in an environment where you feel safe..
    please pm or email me anytime...:console::hugtackles:
  20. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    Joseph my dearest friend,

    I am so sorry for your struggles, and for all you have to live with, daily.

    It has to be difficult. I wish I could help in some way - the way you helped me. I would not be writing this today, if you hadn't reached out to me, and helped me get through my crisis. You have helped SO MANY people here, and if you look at the loved ones, of each of the ones you've helped....look how the numbers add up.

    You not only saved me, as a result you saved my children, my mom, my friends, my ex-husband, and the list could go on. Look at each person you saved, and look how you spared their families/friends from grief. Because it is not just our own life we can consider - it is everyone who loves and cares about us.

    Your life has value and worth and meaning. I know I can't identify with all the issues you struggle with - but I have my own - each of us do, if we come to this forum. Everyone here has some great ideas, offered from personal experience, on ways to get through this crisis. Let us all help you through this.....don't give in. You've been valiant, it's not time to let go, not now, not yet. There are too many things you haven't tried yet - and each rise of the sun brings new possibility. We are all here with you - the way you have been - for us.

    I love you dearly, my friend.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.