What drugs were you using that made you feel happy? Not for nothing, but if and when I feel so bad I'll get high. That said, to be honest, I'm not taking any anti depressants.
I know alcohol and drugs are dangerous things, especially with depression, but lets be honest, millions of people use them and in some cases, in moderation, its not dangerous. Indeed, being sober for the sake of it - imagining we all have to carry this cross, without a break, is dangerous.
I'm not saying go on a coke binge, in fact, avoid all class A drugs if you can. Beer and a bong, one or the other. Each his own I guess and like I say, dangers exist whatever what you lay this 'game'.
I hear you on life brother - I hate that it can get that bad, and get frustrated sometimes. I'm older than you - not by much mind - but I'm still here. Sure, I wish I was dead with everyone else at times. I'm not some tourist when it comes down to depression. I'm sitting with the 'black dog' in the corner. Sometimes its on my lap, dragging the lead, walking me for f**** sake!
As for locked in a bedroom/bedsit - been there and done that. It gets you down though, lack of sunlight, lack of fresh air and so on. Even your appetite is reduced. Even if you were not depressed, you would be if confined for so long.
But you know all this, right?
As for therapists, maybe you've met the wrong one. I'm guessing that like anything, you either 'get on' with people or not. Whilst its OK to maybe work alongside people you'd not socialise with or be drawn to in an intellectual sense, I figure you need to not only trust a therapist but actually like them. Plus hope they never woke up on the wrong side of bed!
Ignoring suicide is wrong for a professional. Someone not trained, you expect them to maybe move the conversation to a safer topic - or be genuinely unable to understand why you want to die.
Even so, I think that your life, bad as it seems, does mean something and it does matter. 42 is no age these days. You got time to take other paths in life - you can still fall in love - and that does not change with age.
If your medication is not working - you can always adjust it. I'm not sure what you are using but often its the case that someone just taking one medication needs 3 or 4 more to deal with side effects. Also, new medicines come out all the time. I have a few relatives piloting various drugs, for one ailment or the other.
There's no pill called hope though. That's just something inside us that may or may not blossom a little if medications ease the problems a little. Hope lies in doing something, anything, just to fill any empty days. I'd look for some therapy group perhaps, something that can get you out a little bit and get you used to being around people again.
Some of us are decent enough I guess.
Your own company can get tedious sometimes, but for some, solitary confinement in prison would be like a Buddhist retreat. I guess you enjoy your own company when you spend less time with it!
Hope you decide to live.
My sincerest empathy and sympathy to you.