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I've reached my limit

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by coffee, Feb 24, 2010.

  1. coffee

    coffee Well-Known Member

    When I was young. Even I was so scared, I was hopeful.
    I knew that I will be happy someday, somehow.

    someday had come so many years ago, somehow, I've gotten to where I am right now.

    Being abused part has ended. May be it's still going on.

    I think I pretty much tried everything I could. Somehow, I was holding on to my soul and believed that I will get out from pains and hurts.

    I've been so negative toward so many things, everyone is leaving me
    one by one.

    Not just other people around me. I want to leave myself from myself.
    the more I try, I get hopeless because I tell myself "what's the point of all these anyways?"

    I've came so far, I think I lived long enough. I've done everything I could and I tried dang hard.

    I've accepted my situations and realities, I've tried to move on
    I have moved on but I just can't deal with pains any longer.
    both emotionally and physically......

    I can't stop my tears. I think I've cried enough.
    I am very tired from crying but I can't stop my tears.

    I have a Therapist, P Doc, taking tons of med, reading a lot of positive books, tried to distract myself with trying new things then I got tired so I've stayed in bed for a long time but made me more depressed so I pushed myself again.

    I think I am getting all the help I need but I just want to run away from everything.

    I hate this world, I hate living, I hate myself, I hate my situations
    even though if I can think of things so everything could get better
    I don't think I want that.

    so the best option is to stop everything. Trying anything.

    Last night. I had all these pills and thought about many different ways to end.
    I was very very close. My suicidal thoughts just not going anywhere.
    I've been doing a lot of research on-line to get some infos so I can really succeed. Of course everything has pros and cons.

    I guess I still have some options.
    which I forgot to ask my P doc.

    I am not sure if I really want to check into the mental institution.
    I am scared that I'll never be able to get out from there.
    I don't know...

    I know that I have unrealistic goals and too much expectations from myself
    but I am either this or that. I hate to be in between.

    I guess it's a good thing that I am not famous person with lots of money or power. I definitely would have killed myself long long time ago.
    No matter what I do, what happens to me, good things or bad things
    I am always going to feel emptiness and feeling unhappy about everything.

    I just can't get out from my own prison.

    Note: I am not asking for help nor need for help.
    I just really had to let these out for now.:surrender:
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you posted to get it out. I hope you feel better tomorrow. :hug:
  3. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Maybe you should consider a short hospital stay. Two years ago I lingered over a year in a horrible depression until I went into the hospital for another (very unpopular on this site) round of ECT treatments. It worked for a while at least- anything to stop that hell.

    I think it is the depression "talking" when you say no matter what you do or what happens to you you will always feel emptiness and unhappy about everything. Clinical depression profoundly distorts all perception. Can you remember a time when you felt hopeful, fulfilled and that the world was not threatening? If your depression becomes manageable you can feel that way most of the time.

    :console: Denis