I've reached the end.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AndrewGS, Apr 11, 2013.

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  1. AndrewGS

    AndrewGS New Member

    Tonight I lie here in bed alone as I do every night, and like so many nights before my thoughts are about suicide. I usually post something on Facebook to try and let others know what is going through my mind, but it's always met with either no reaction or, like tonight, a comparison with 'the boy who cried wolf.' Well, tonight, I've decided that I no longer want to cry wolf, rather, I'm ready to face the wolves and end my life.

    I was diagnosed clinically depressed at age 11 and was given medication and therapy. I'm now 32 and still take medication and go to therapy. No treatment I've been given seems to really help, it only bridges a gap that seems endless. I have zero self-confidence and crippling anxiety, I'm severely overweight, I'm hopelessly out of shape and I have overwhelming physical inadequacy issues. I quit school in my 11th year, obtained my GED and never went to college. I've tried to work for years but I'm unable to hold a job, so I'm on disability and rely on my parents for a place to live.

    When it comes to interacting with others I'm a true failure. I have no real friends to hang out with and I've never been in a serious relationship despite having been in love several times. I've had my heart broken time and time again with rejection and deception. I've been told that I'm a horrible, selfish person, once by a girl that I'm still in love with today (this was after sending her a dozen roses half way around the world on Valentine's Day). When I do manage to make a friend my symptoms get in the way and I end up losing them to what must seem like more selfishness.

    To sum it up, I don't see a positive future for myself. The only future I see is one of loneliness, hopelessness and dependency. Having experienced those three things for so many years, I'm ready to end my life. Nothing, outside of some sort of miracle, is going to change that. I've kept myself alive for this long hoping for that miracle, but tonight I realize that a miracle isn't coming to save me.

    I just hope my parents can survive my death and not blame themselves.
  2. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    well you're crying wolf now by posting here. lol see...its hard for me to be blunt when people post things like this....like I"m not sure if you've made up your mind yet or if you want my help or what but I don't know. I'm not one of those people who like...earnestly tries to stop people from doing what they feel is best for them so sorry if you think my reply is kind of ...jerkish. In the off-chance that you did post because you want help, to see if someone cares enough to respond, I'll say to think it through before you do anything. Think about everything you're giving up in exchange for an uncertain death. Are you willing to give those things up? Man, I sound like a hypocrite. I plan on killing myself. I've developed a psychological strategy to do just that. Man, maybe I should just stop helping people. .........if you decide to go through with it, god bless.
  3. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    I'll also add that you and I have very similiar situations. I keep my fitness up though and am extremely confident in how I look and who I am. BUT I dropped out my senior year of high school and obtained my GED, went to college, excelled, but wasn't emotionally or psychological ready. Was still majorly depressed so I dropped out. I'm weighed down by guilt because I feel like my mother would be better off which is the reason why I plan to go through with it, yadayadayada...anyway, take care.
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry I can't offer you a miracle. I'm afraid we have to change ourselves to change our lives. I know that can seem impossible. Try small steps and it will take a long time unfortunately. I'm sure that what I've said has been said to you before. I hope you'll give yourself a chance and work on your life.
  5. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member


    i know it's not much, but your outlook on life sounds exactly like mine- and i'm sorry you are feeling the way you are

    emily x
  6. AndrewGS

    AndrewGS New Member

    Yeah, thanks for the "help."

    See, it always intrigues me when someone is confident in themselves and then wants to die. I'd give anything to be able to be confident in myself. Your mom wouldn't be "better off" losing a child, you would devastate her for the rest of her life. What are you depressed about? I'd honestly like to know.

    As I've told every member of my family and my last few therapists, "gee, I've never thought of it that way."

    Thanks, Emily. I wish there were something I could do to make you feel differently because I know what you're going through. If you're like me you don't really want to die, you just see no other way out of the hole you're in. Sure, people have thrown a rope down the hole to help, but you can't climb up and just need someone to come along with a lift to help you out of the hole, metaphorically.

  7. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    andrew wrote:

    Thanks, Emily. I wish there were something I could do to make you feel differently because I know what you're going through. If you're like me you don't really want to die, you just see no other way out of the hole you're in. Sure, people have thrown a rope down the hole to help, but you can't climb up and just need someone to come along with a lift to help you out of the hole, metaphorically.



    i think for me it's diffrent

    for me, i suffer so much mentally and in a physyical way, and i've been suffering for so long- losing everything on the way... family, friends, goals, indipendence, stability, motivation... that for me, even if i was offered a way out tomorrow and accepted it, i wouldn't know how to live it. i'd have no clue- so for me, it's selfish to live on in my view.

    all i'm able to do now is, well.. not even get out of bed in the morning- i need someone to come in to my room, help me out of bed, in to my wheelchair, and then i just sit where i'm left for most of the day.. taking up space and relying on little mirackles to get me through the day. something like a fave tv programme, or listening to a good album- something like that.

    if that's not enough i also have bipolar to deal with, and borderline personality disorder.

    my life is a living hell
  8. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I stopped posting on Facebook because no one ever said anything about my serious posts, and they stopped talking to me altogether. I don't have anyone in real life to turn to, so I just post here. I'm sorry people have treated you that way, but I can relate a lot to how you're feeling. I know how it is to feel so hopeless, and like nothing will ever go right for you. But I'm still here and still trying to keep going. I hope you can find something that will keep you going too, even if that seems hard right now.
  9. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Overwhelming guilt is your answer. Just because somebody is confident in themselves doesn't mean they can't be depressed about other things. I can look in the mirror and love what I see but hate what I've become. I don't really like to launch into heavy detail about why I'm suicidal because it's pointless at this point, but my issues are very real. And sorry if I wasn't much help in my first post, just a lot of people here give off the impression they don't want help or can't be helped or are simply a lost cause and after awhile I'm just like, okay this person seems to be pretty set on dying so I'll just give them a bit of advice but that's about it. If I feel like the person honestly wants help and isn't just making a statement then I'll honestly try to help them. Not a knock on you or anything..I hope you've found the others here to be helpful.
  10. AndrewGS

    AndrewGS New Member

    I'm sorry to probe, but what are you feeling guilty over? I know you don't want help, but I'd rather not see someone who isn't hopeless end their life, especially at such a young age. Maybe you could find a reason to live in someone else who needs you? I know we aren't supposed to be dependent on others to have a reason to live, but I feel that way myself.
  11. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    well you can be dependent on others if you'd like. If that's what keeps you alive so be it. Everybody has their own reason to live. I unfortunately don't have anyone outside of my mother for a reason to live and even that's.....unstable. I love her but....its complicated. I'll do what I feel is best for me and hopefully you'll do what you feel is best for you.
  12. Ataraxia

    Ataraxia Member

    I think what you are feeling is very real and very tragic. From what you describe you’re stuck in an endless loop with no hope of escape. But I also think your feelings of self-doubt that you have had as far as killing yourself are also very real. Look at all the times you DIDNT go through with it. That shows discipline, it also shows a will to live.

    You said you have had relationships (I’m aware they weren’t serious from what I read) in the past. Well that’s good news. Even though you have anxiety and aren’t confident realize that you have at least some skill in forming a bond with other people. Even though they were small bonds; some people are so bad at it that they can’t even create small bonds. You can develop that skill and get better with people.

    The other thing you can concentrate on is self-improvement. The question you have to ask yourself is, are you selfish? Are you a horrible person? Are you doing things wrong to push people away? If you answered yes to any of the above, then start with improving that aspect. The greatest secret I have found to improve my life is self-realization followed by self-improvement.

    If you answered no to the questions above then start trying to live for others. It will give you a reason to go on. You mentioned your parents perceived devastation if you were to kill yourself. Why not have a frank talk with them. They will most likely tell you (and mean it) that you matter so much to them that they would rather support you for the rest of your life and have you around instead of killing yourself.

    Start small. Try to improve your inner self and then slowly step towards your outer self. You will naturally start to improve yourself and this in turn will slowly bring more people into your life and give it meaning.
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