I think I have HIV, and I gave it to my husband. I was promiscuous when I was younger, but never thought about getting tested. After being married for a few years I started having night sweats. I looked it up on the internet and saw that it was a sign of HIV. To make a long story short, it consumed me until I broke down completely. I told my husband because I had to and we got tested using the oral fluid test. Both of our tests said negative. You would think that would be the end of my story. We lived happily ever after and so on. But now, a year later, I've become plagued with skin infections and mouth sores, high fevers, rapid weight loss, and the night sweats continue. My husband began having night sweats as well, along with odd skin rashes. I researched the test we took and although it is FDA approved, a recent study found that it has missed established infections. For the past two months my life has been a living hell. I think of nothing else. I have destroyed my husband's life. How can I live with myself? HOW? How could I have been so stupid, so selfish, so irresponsible? I think of his family and cry. Every time I look at him I nearly break down. I've lost even more weight due to the fact that I cannot force myself to eat. I'm in a state of shock and have begun to consider suicide. The worst part is everyone has seen the change in me, the places on my face that won't heal, the weight loss, I look ill and it's obvious to everyone. My husband knows there's something wrong but doesn't know what. How can I tell him our tests were wrong and that I've ruined his life? After the ordeal I put him through last year, he made me promise to never put him through that again. He was so relieved for our negative results. Now I have to tell him it was a sham and that I've killed him. Every time I'm alone I sob until I can't cry anymore. Then I hold xxx in my lap and wonder if I could actually do it. I haven't gotten tested again because when I receive the positive result I will have to tell him. He will hate me and maybe even want to end his life too. He is such a beautiful person, the last person to deserve this. I want to kill myself not because of having HIV, but because I gave it to the one person I have ever loved. I know when I get tested it will be do or die time. I want to make a decision about how to end my life before getting the test. I went from researching HIV to researching suicide. Today is not a good day. I look worse than ever and I had to leave work because I started to cry. I had a fever all weekend and couldn't even get out of bed. When I came home I immediately went for the gun but only held it and cried. My life is over either way, but I can't live with this guilt much longer. The HIV and guilt are eating me alive. I want to die.