I've ruined everything

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LostGirl32, Oct 25, 2010.

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  1. LostGirl32

    LostGirl32 Member

    I think I have HIV, and I gave it to my husband. I was promiscuous when I was younger, but never thought about getting tested. After being married for a few years I started having night sweats. I looked it up on the internet and saw that it was a sign of HIV.

    To make a long story short, it consumed me until I broke down completely. I told my husband because I had to and we got tested using the oral fluid test. Both of our tests said negative.

    You would think that would be the end of my story. We lived happily ever after and so on. But now, a year later, I've become plagued with skin infections and mouth sores, high fevers, rapid weight loss, and the night sweats continue. My husband began having night sweats as well, along with odd skin rashes.

    I researched the test we took and although it is FDA approved, a recent study found that it has missed established infections. For the past two months my life has been a living hell.

    I think of nothing else. I have destroyed my husband's life. How can I live with myself? HOW? How could I have been so stupid, so selfish, so irresponsible? I think of his family and cry. Every time I look at him I nearly break down. I've lost even more weight due to the fact that I cannot force myself to eat. I'm in a state of shock and have begun to consider suicide.

    The worst part is everyone has seen the change in me, the places on my face that won't heal, the weight loss, I look ill and it's obvious to everyone. My husband knows there's something wrong but doesn't know what. How can I tell him our tests were wrong and that I've ruined his life? After the ordeal I put him through last year, he made me promise to never put him through that again. He was so relieved for our negative results. Now I have to tell him it was a sham and that I've killed him.

    Every time I'm alone I sob until I can't cry anymore. Then I hold xxx in my lap and wonder if I could actually do it. I haven't gotten tested again because when I receive the positive result I will have to tell him. He will hate me and maybe even want to end his life too. He is such a beautiful person, the last person to deserve this. I want to kill myself not because of having HIV, but because I gave it to the one person I have ever loved. I know when I get tested it will be do or die time. I want to make a decision about how to end my life before getting the test. I went from researching HIV to researching suicide.

    Today is not a good day. I look worse than ever and I had to leave work because I started to cry. I had a fever all weekend and couldn't even get out of bed. When I came home I immediately went for the gun but only held it and cried. My life is over either way, but I can't live with this guilt much longer. The HIV and guilt are eating me alive. I want to die.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2010
  2. Johnnyc

    Johnnyc Well-Known Member

    You need to get tested, if not for your life, for your husbands. If it is a positive reading, there are treatments to make life more comfortable. would you not at least owe that to him. Plus you never know it could be a negative reading.
  3. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    How terrible for you that you have to go through this. But you cannot blame yourself. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. It was not your fault you didn't know. Lets just see what you have exactly first and if it can be treated effectively. There is still a great deal of hope left for you and your husband. I know you feel like it's the end. But you still have options. Going to a doctor you may be surprised what is possible. You and your husband could even make a full recovery. If it is some form of HIV deal with that when we find out.

    Be easy on yourself please. Let yourself feel the guilt but recognize that we all make mistakes, and this was just an accident. Can you be strong enough to forgive yourself?

    The gun is a comfort but there is a greater comfort. Hope for a better future. And better living in the now. You can make the most of your days and find greater happiness. Lots of people do when they realize how precious life is.

    now is the time to face the situation with all the courage and determination that you can muster. Have faith that you will be guided. I recognize your suffering and it hurts me even. But you have to be brave. Your husband wants you to have the will to live.
  4. non-existent

    non-existent Active Member

    As Raphael1 said, it must be a terrible situation.

    But please think of yourself, and if you can't think of yourself think of your husband.

    First, you've got to find out if it is HIV. It can be as well HIV as other illnesses occuring with similar symptoms (infections and skin rashes can be a lot of things). So you have to get tested, and if it is negative, you have to be tested for other illnesses.

    If you kill yourself now and your husband really has HIV, would you leave him alone with the illness and without the woman he loves?

    Okay, you think he will hate you, but you don't know. If you have HIV, you both have to get proper treatment. If you don't let your husband know what is wrong with him, he will also get more ill then it is necessary.

    I don't want to talk you into anything, but please face things and try to do the best for you and your husband.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You need to get retested.. There are meds now that can extend your life.. Your husband needs to know the results of these tests.. Don't drag yourself down when you don't even know for sure..I use to break out in big sores when ever I donated blood.. So I quit and they went away..What you have may be something as simple as a blood defishancy... Or an organ thats malfunctioning..Don't jump to conclusions..
  6. LostGirl32

    LostGirl32 Member

    Thank you everyone for responding. I've been in my own private hell for so long now and it's a relief to get it off my chest.

    I've tried to get tested so many times in the past few months, but I'm such a coward. It seems easier to just kill myself than to face the truth. I know what the right thing to do is, I created this mess, I should have the guts to take the test, to look my husband in the eye and tell him what I've done to him.

    I've tried to convince myself it's possible I don't have HIV. But the symptoms only get worse when I do this, like the fever this weekend out of nowhere. The only thing that comforts me is the thought of death. I tell myself I'll kill myself soon, and that's how I make it through the day. But I know I have to get the positive result first, and tell my husband, before I end my life. I owe him that and so much more, more than I have to give.

    If only I had found out before I ever met him. It would have been devastating but at least I wouldn't have hurt anyone else. This thought is what keeps me up at night, I don't even remember the last time I've had proper sleep. Today was the closest I've ever come to ending my life, I was almost completely out of my mind. I came to this forum instead.
  7. MightyMatt

    MightyMatt Well-Known Member

    You need to get retested... If you love your husband as much as you say you do you need to tell him... This is something your going to have to face together as couple... Try and look at it from your partners point of view, worst case scenario... You have the virus, you end your life prematurely and your husband is left on his own to deal with not only your passing but also the fact that he now has HIV. Think how alone he would feel. Surely you wouldn't want him to feel this way, he'd miss you a hell of a lot. There maybe a chance that you haven't even got the virus. Just talk it through together before you make any hasty decisions. You'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel after having all that weight lifted from your shoulders. I would imagine you'll start to sleep better too. Good luck and I'm sending you my best wishes :smile:
  8. LostGirl32

    LostGirl32 Member

    Thank you for the best wishes MightyMatt, I need all the help I can get. When all this started about two months ago I decided then and there to get retested and put it behind me. I made an appointment. I was going to do it. I told myself I was being ridiculous, the result would be negative and I could move on with my life.

    Before the appointment I started thinking about other symptoms I'd had and then started focusing on my husband as well. By the time my appointment date rolled around, I was in a sorry state. I called and canceled one hour before I was suppose to be there and had a long conversation with the HIV counselor. Of course he could understand my fear, but thought that I needed to get a test if only for peace of mind.

    A week later I called my local health department, I've known the RN that works there for many years and trust her. I planned on going in to talk with her about what was going on and to get tested. I was told she had retired the Friday before. I hung up. Since then I've only gotten worse, now to the point of suicide.

    I agree that I should talk to my husband, but I've told myself up to this point why worry him if I don't have to. I had planned on testing behind his back, but now I realize I'm too much of a coward to do it alone. When I'm at my lowest point I just want to tell him, to get it off my chest because I can't breathe anymore, but when I see him the words die in my throat. He's so young and strong and full of life. What did he do to deserve such a fate? Tonight when he goes to bed I'll think about suicide again, because just being around him makes me realize how worthless I am. Do murderers who commit suicide go to heaven?
  9. Johnnyc

    Johnnyc Well-Known Member

    First off please do not do anything to harm yourself, second you are not a murderer. If you do indeed have HIV then what happened was a accident, murders plan on harming people. But first you have to, I repeat have to get retested.
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    If u know what you have, you can get treatment...the treatment for HIV/AIDS today is so much more effective than ever with many ppl living quite uneventful lives...not getting tested is making it worse for both of us...please get the medical attention you need and find some relief...and also, please tell your husband...he has the right to know and get treatment too...J
  11. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    One of the longest friendships I have ever had was with a man who had aids. He told me what he went through and it doesn't sound like this is what you have. PM me if you need to talk and know that whatever you have can be dealt with in a more positive way. Don't give up hope! HE sounds wonderful and I find it hard to believe that he would hate you or blame you for what is happening. Please let him in and discuss all of this with him. HE loves you and would want to know these things. Trust in his love and open the door of communication. Please allow him to reassure you that he still loves you and that whatever this is you both will make it through it together. Blessings..
  12. LostGirl32

    LostGirl32 Member

    I've spent the past hour researching false negative results and had another breakdown, wanting to die just to stop the pain.

    I imagine having to tell my husband, I picture it in my mind over and over again, the worst news ever delivered by the one person you're suppose to be able to trust with your life. I'm the worst mistake he ever made and he'll never be able to look at me the same. Yes, it was an accident, I would never hurt him on purpose, or anyone for that matter, in this way. But it doesn't change the fact that I've killed him. I've ruined his life. Robbed him of happiness. No, I'm not a murderer, I'm something much worse.

    I didn't plan on sleeping tonight, I never really do anyway because of the nightmares, so I came here simply because I was exhausted after reading so many clinical reports while crying hysterically. I just want to say thank you to everyone, finding this forum has helped me in so many ways. I actually ate a full meal tonight, the first in weeks, and didn't gag once. And now I feel much calmer, finding more posts from more caring people, with encouraging responses, and a push in the logical direction, get tested, which is so frightening to me I don't know how I'll do it, but yes, I know it must be done.

    But for now I hope sleep finds me. I'm always tired but never sleepy. My mind won't be quiet, even for a second. I pray to God for silence just so I can sleep, but then there's the nightmares. Tonight I'll pray for a dreamless sleep so that tomorrow I will be in a more rational frame of mind and maybe I won't even look at the gun.
  13. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Do you love your husband. I mean truly love your husband. Are you prepare to sacrifice the remainder of your life to help your husband? If so, you should tell him. If you hide it from him, it would have mean that you are not prepared to love him through thick and thin. Ask yourself this question, if the position was reversed, if your husband was infected and he infected you. What would you want him to do? Do you want him to commit suicide out of guilt and shame? Would you still love your husband even if he infected you with hiv? Do you want your husband to to do everything in his power to help you even if he was the one who gave you the disease in the first place.

    I do not know about your relationship with your husband but if he loves you then you have something a lot of people like me do not have. You have someone who genuinely cares about you. I want you to know that this is something you should treasure. That is better than being alone and having no one that genuinely loves you. Say this to yourself : "I will die anyway. It's what I want to do with my remaining life that matter most to me. I want to be a good person, an honest person and a person who loves her husband."

    He would probably hate you at first but overtime will recognise that courage you took to tell him rather than going on keeping it a secret. Here is something from Buddhism:

    Life (or living) is pain and suffering.

    And I will add this:

    And it is more unbearable if you do not have someone to share and acknowledge your suffering with you. Please do not suffer alone. Especially if you do not have to.

    Steven Siew
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