I've ruined my life

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by JaredR, Jul 15, 2015.

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  1. JaredR

    JaredR New Member

    I have been with my girlfriend for about a year now. We had a bit of a rocky and complicated start to our relationship, so we didn't officially become a couple until a month ago, but she is the person who is most important in my life. She is the face I see in my head all the time, and our relationship has gotten to the point where I physically need her by my side often or I get anxious. In the beginning of our relationship, I had a lot of bad feelings towards her because of past events, that made it hard for me to stay faithful. I did a horrible thing, when about seven months ago, I cheated for the first time with one of her friends. I was manipulative and even pressured this girl into sexual involvement, because she had boasted of being someone who likes it deviant and rough. I felt awful about these events and every time I lapsed (there were three times in the winter), I would tell myself I would never do it again. Somehow, whenever I would spend time with my other friend, things would start off jokingly and escalate to inappropriate situations. I don't understand why this happens, but I feel like I become a totally different, despicable person. I was able to leave it alone for six months, and I fell more and more in love with my now girlfriend. She is my life, she is someone who has helped lift me up from crippling depression, she is the most beautiful person I know. About a month ago, I was drinking with my other friend and lapsed again. I offered her a chance to stop what we were doing, but it was halfhearted and not enough to slow down the momentum of the situation. Somehow, because I have seen my significant other involved sexually in the same way with someone at a party a long time ago, I am able to compartmentalize these acts. Last night, she found about what had happened, and I was forced to tell her about my cheating. Naturally, I ruined everything. She attacked the other girl, who is her best friend, and she told me she never wanted to see or talk to me again. I became physically and violently ill, and it got worse and worse as her insults and words became more and more painful. I feel like I am the worst person in the world. I've lost the most beautiful, intelligent, patient, and kind girl I've ever known. I have lost the only person I've ever loved. I pressured someone into sexual acts, and though it was consensual, I feel like I am not worthy of living having caused so much pain. I don't think I can continue life without keeping my love in my life. And there is no chance she is going to stay. I cannot eat or drink, I am really feeling like all is lost. I just don't know what to do. I am so sorry. I just want to erase what I've done, but I've accepted that I can't do that. I am really, really lost.
  2. Stacey84

    Stacey84 Well-Known Member

    (deleted, made mistake)
  3. The Watcher

    The Watcher New Member

    You feel you made a mistake. Welcome to this world where you only learn by painful mistakes.
    It is just beginning my friend. As you progress hopefully you will learn how to position yourself on the chessboard of life by EXPERIENCE. Don't feel guilty for the thing you did as this is a conditioned response based on societies expectations. Never base your survival on someone else or you will sink!
    That is your first lesson.
    Now pick yourself up off the battlefield and regroup into the person you want to be. Your "love" is still out there, believe it or not and it may be many different people.

    Read Carlos Castaneda books to ease the pain and understand what is happening here in this reality.
  4. magdalena

    magdalena New Member

    I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. You did do something bad, but it isnt worth ending your life over. You've hurt someone you care deeply for, and you need to apologize to her in a few days. Probably with some flowers. She probably wont take you back, but there are other wonderful women in the world who you will NOT make this mistake with. My husband is my savior. He supported me through a horrible divorce, has helped me care for my young son after my ex husband abandoned us a few weeks after he was born. To my son, he means everything. However, he was horrible to his first girlfriend. He cheated on her numerous times, hurt her in terrible ways, when she was already a victim of domestic violence by her father. It is 5 years later and he still feels incredible guilt for what he did. However, in order to be the amazing husband and father he is to me, he had to have that experience. My husband helped me graduate from college, he is financially supporting us so I can be an at home mom. You can be that person to someone else someday. There is someone out there who needed you to have this experience, so you could be a better man to her than you ever could have been before.
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sorry to be a downer but if someone had respect for themselves ...they would have not crossed the line no matter what the excuse is. You might have a bad experience but it does not excuse your actions.

    Next time youre in a relationship you can love anybody but you need to start respecting yourself first and be healthy person before jumping into the zone with another person as how can you have a healthy relationship and not respect yourself let alone your new best friend and/or mate for a long time?

    It does not make you a bad person actually! Youre human as we all are just work on liking yourself better and give yourself some credit as you did learn from this.
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