I have been with my girlfriend for about a year now. We had a bit of a rocky and complicated start to our relationship, so we didn't officially become a couple until a month ago, but she is the person who is most important in my life. She is the face I see in my head all the time, and our relationship has gotten to the point where I physically need her by my side often or I get anxious. In the beginning of our relationship, I had a lot of bad feelings towards her because of past events, that made it hard for me to stay faithful. I did a horrible thing, when about seven months ago, I cheated for the first time with one of her friends. I was manipulative and even pressured this girl into sexual involvement, because she had boasted of being someone who likes it deviant and rough. I felt awful about these events and every time I lapsed (there were three times in the winter), I would tell myself I would never do it again. Somehow, whenever I would spend time with my other friend, things would start off jokingly and escalate to inappropriate situations. I don't understand why this happens, but I feel like I become a totally different, despicable person. I was able to leave it alone for six months, and I fell more and more in love with my now girlfriend. She is my life, she is someone who has helped lift me up from crippling depression, she is the most beautiful person I know. About a month ago, I was drinking with my other friend and lapsed again. I offered her a chance to stop what we were doing, but it was halfhearted and not enough to slow down the momentum of the situation. Somehow, because I have seen my significant other involved sexually in the same way with someone at a party a long time ago, I am able to compartmentalize these acts. Last night, she found about what had happened, and I was forced to tell her about my cheating. Naturally, I ruined everything. She attacked the other girl, who is her best friend, and she told me she never wanted to see or talk to me again. I became physically and violently ill, and it got worse and worse as her insults and words became more and more painful. I feel like I am the worst person in the world. I've lost the most beautiful, intelligent, patient, and kind girl I've ever known. I have lost the only person I've ever loved. I pressured someone into sexual acts, and though it was consensual, I feel like I am not worthy of living having caused so much pain. I don't think I can continue life without keeping my love in my life. And there is no chance she is going to stay. I cannot eat or drink, I am really feeling like all is lost. I just don't know what to do. I am so sorry. I just want to erase what I've done, but I've accepted that I can't do that. I am really, really lost.