I've ruined my marriage.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TragicActor, Aug 15, 2015.

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  1. TragicActor

    TragicActor Member

    I love my wife. But we've had problems ever since we got married. First, we made the mistake of letting my mother move in with us, and it caused so much trauma for my wife when they argued. Then, when I wasn't able to protect my wife from my mother, she blamed me, and it hurt our relationship. We finally moved out from living with my mother, but we had trouble financially.

    Meanwhile, I was having gender identity issues - not full on dysphoria, so I thought I had things under control. But I still had thoughts and feelings and desires which I knew my wife wouldn't approve of. Meanwhile, our sex life had deteriorated and was basically non existent after she became pregnant with our second child. The more our sex life deteriorated, the more the gender identity issues swelled in my head, and eventually, I sought another outlet. And I chatted with other women about it. My wife eventually discovered these chats and viewed it as me cheating on her.

    The drama eventually passed, but the meltdowns started again when my wife saw another, more salacious chat I had had (before being discovered with the first chat) regarding hypnosis and dom/sub roleplay. Again, she viewed this as cheating. That, combined with discovering that I had Facebook chatted with a female friend completely innocently just a few days ago, and she just exploded. She is insisting that the marriage is over. She's threatened divorce before, but this time, she's claiming she's going to find a man who will love her the way I haven't. :-(

    I don't want a divorce. And I don't want to be told I can get through it because so many other people have. If I agreed with that, I wouldn't be on a forum considering suicide as an alternative to divorce.

    As I'm writing this, I'm working on finishing my final project for my final class in my second bachelor's degree in computer science. Assuming I pass, this means I would have to go back out into the workforce. I don't want to go back out and get a job. I got so tired of being bossed around and told what to do all day. The pay wasn't that great in my job before. I have my own projects and goals I want to achieve, but I feel so judged for them.

    Sometimes I feel like I'm engaging in self-sabotaging behavior. Like I want our marriage to work, but then my brain finds a way to fuck it up. And this time may be the end.

    And if it is, I would much rather just commit suicide on my own terms than live with it.
  2. I'm new to this site because I feel like I can't talk to anyone in my family. I have to rely on talking to strangers because these people are the only ones who know what I'm going through. Trust me I'm right there with you on ending my life because it had just been full of disappointments. But when I talked on here I completely expressed my feelings it felt amazing. I know you feel that if you tell your wife you would be considered not good but if you did or even go to a support group or even find a non judgmental therapist and make sure it's not the therapist that only talks about theme elf and their family I've had problems like that before. I don't know if this will help at all but you are like me lost and confused in the world. Just to let you know I don't think it's weird or anything but god each made us out own unique person. And real sorry if this was a long one I hope I made some sense and I wish nothing but the best for you. Good Luck!
  3. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    The part of your post, I completely get. 100%.

    I don't have the gender issues, so I can't speak to that. What I can speak to is ANY big issue. Depression, drugs, cheating, you name it, put a huge strain on a relationship. I'm experiencing these SAME feelings with my wife, our subject matter is just somewhat different.

    I wish I had some cliché or wisdom. I don't. I don't know how my wife and I got were we are. I feel like we're roommates most days.

    And I find ways to fuck up when there seems to be a glimmer of hope. I, like you, want to love and be loved. I'm sure your gender issues complicate things in a way I'll never understand. But I do understand having your goals, projects and wanting that "win" so bad. And it's so crushing when it doesn't happen and its so straining on a marriage. That I get. I don't know how to fix it. But I'm with you.

    I'd rather just be gone too. After I shattered my leg in a work accident, people said I was lucky. To be honest, I never felt more unlucky. I just wanted it over.

    Maybe we'll work it out together. I dunno. I think one thing we all need on here is a friend. I feel like we're all so desperate to be heard on here. I get it. I hear you.
  4. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    I'm sorry you are going through such difficult time. I can totally relate, especially to the bit about self-sabotaging behaviour. I've noticed that in myself too... It's like I basically know what would be the right, good thing to do in a situation, but then something goes "click" in my brain and I do the exact opposite... Something that ruins things. I've ruined my long-term relationship like this. It was also under strain from my mother and then I started meeting another man because I had some doubts about the relationship. But I knew it wasn't a good idea but I did it anyway... as if I was pushed to do it, as if I was set to destroying our relationship even though it was the last thing I wanted... :(
  5. TragicActor

    TragicActor Member

    So my wife didn't leave me...yet. But she has a whole list of demands. Everything ranging from stop chatting with women (for any reason whatsoever) to demanding I stop seeing my current counselor or else give her a detailed report after each session. And I have to change my personal religious beliefs to match hers (We're both Mormon, but I have different views of certain doctrines than she does).

    Meanwhile, I just finished my coursework for my degree - a second bachelor's degree in Computer Science (my first was in Music). I actually got an A and an A- for my last quarter, much to my wife's consternation, because she would rather I had failed at least one class so she could blame it on my bad behavior. But now I have to go back out and find a job. And quite frankly, I don't want to. Because I don't want to be employed again and spend the majority of my day having someone I'm not blood related to telling me what to do. Especially when my wife has stepped into the role where she's going to spend the rest of my time telling me what to do. But that's the way life is. I have to have a job to make a living, right? Or if I'm working for myself, I'd have clients telling me what to do, right?

    Well, if that's the way life is...what if I want no part of it?
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