Thank you for being brave and sharing your feelings with us. You are most definitely not alone and this is a great place to share as you won't be judged. We are all fighting our own battles. There is not a single one of us who isn't! I think coming here to share and acknowledging that there is an issue is a great first step. It takes a lot of bravery to share with strangers! You say that you have excellent mental health resources so I am assuming you are seeing a counselor which is a good choice as well to help on the healing journey. You also say you feel judged by family and friends so I am assuming you don't have much support there. Do you have any physical support groups in your area? Although on-line forums are helpful, having others near you to talk to, understand, keep you accountable is so needed as well! It sounds like in the past you have been able to overcome some of these negative thoughts and actions, but this time it sounds like you have lost hope. Did something recently happen to put you in this downward spiral? Why do you think it's different this time?