I've summed it up :)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gxblu44, Aug 9, 2012.

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  1. gxblu44

    gxblu44 Member

    Since I can recall living with some form depression for almost all of my life, being miserable for no understandable reason, 14 medications haven’t worked, 10 years of believing blindly in a 12 step program that frankly hasn’t had any effect either, and I’m beginning to understand that this has made me unemployable with no viable solution. I see no solution because none have worked. (I won’t even start talking about the alternative solutions)
    It’s a good thing I’ve made it a point not to get married and especially not have kids. Now I can move on to understand that clearly this life has not worked, has no purpose, and only has the capacity to get worse. It never gets better. Never has. Not in a minimum of the last 25 years. I stay alive for the sake of others. For the sake of family that will not understand what I will have to do eventually anyway.
    It’s getting about time to realize that “those that never win and never quit are idiots” for I had been quite the blindly optimistic idiot.
    So when you start to deliberate taking your life is it going to be planned or spur of the moment? Was there something you want to accomplish before you do it?
    I realized when I didn’t want to accomplish anything before I died that it truly is time to die.
    Guess I could turn myself over for treatment. They’ll pump me up with those drugs that make it hard to breath or make me feel like the worst hangover, or lethargic and lazy all the time…. And sick even more. I always felt that it was more dignified not to create such a fuss because once you have a record for such things, then you’re treated like a criminal and tolerated even less than a criminal. It’s all your fault- grow up. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Everybody’s got problems. Deal with it.
    Or I could go and this whole thing will be over for once and for all. Of course my smarter thinking says I should make it look like an accident.
    At least there’s more dignity in that
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2012
  2. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    I hope you feel better soon :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2012
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Firstly. There are many more than 14 medications out there, so you will be unlikely to have tried everything.

    Secondly. Living with depression isn't easy, but how would you really know that you are unemployable as a result?

    Thirdly, if you think you've tried everything, then that would make you perfect. As no-one is such, then your own assessment is flawed.

    Death is the only guarantee in life, so why not make the best out of what you have? Seems to me you want sympathy and a softly softly approach to encouraging you to take your own life. The latter is against the rules of this support site. And until you have given as much as you can - Olympic athletes don't give up just because they have injuries. Some even tried to participate in London 2012 but didn't do themselves justice, but will they stop trying? It's doubtful. I'm here to show support and encouragement to carry on living. Without marriage and kids, how would you know you'd fail?

    It is a permanent solution to something that can be beaten. But the only one who can set any change in motion is you. You are your own worst enemy so you don't let yourself get into trying quite hard enough in the right ways for you. You're letting it control you rather than taking control of what you have and showing what can be done.
  4. gxblu44

    gxblu44 Member

    Let me make something clear
    I Don't want sympathy for anything. I don't need encouragement for killing myself.

    So how many Medications should I try? How many different jobs do I need to get fired from? How do you know depression can be beaten? Tell me how you did it.
    If you read my post you should have picked up that I've been trying just a little.
    How should I control it rather than let it control me?
    Care to share? This is what I'm looking for. Not sympathy.
    How do I show what can be done?
    Obviously you figured out something I didn't.
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I know you're not looking for sympathy... but how about empathy? Would you accept that?

    I don't have any real advice for you, because obviously if I had all the answers, I wouldn't be here. I will say that you sound intelligent and it seems like you have given this issue a lot of thought. But, I cannot advocate suicide; for one, it is against the rules, and secondly, I don't believe that it is the best option. For some people it might feel like the only option, and I understand that, but I wish that people would at least have doubts and second thoughts about that.

    As for me? Well I'm just one of those idiots who never wins but keeps trying anyway. :smile: I may come in last place, I won't go home with any medals, maybe no one will ever even know I existed, but at least I can say I competed. I was there, and I gave it everything I had. If I failed, you can blame God for that.
  6. gxblu44

    gxblu44 Member

    Empathy? Yes, you maybe onto something there because I have none for myself. Mostly I know I feel frustration, anger, despair, and hopelessness because with everything I try I end up being washed over in this foggy numb feeling or just irritable and agitated for no reason. Barely functional. I can stand, walk, even get to a job. But there is just alot of time when Im just blank stare and not even with it. Like 80% of my brain overheated and shut down without asking. They say (any doctor or therapist I have met)that it has to deal with chemicals in the brain. The say the way I act, move, talk, well- they all agreed. When I made the posting I was applying for a clinical trial. Investigational drug, blah, blah. Can't do that because I am "treatment resistant". Meaning after 4-5 days the depressive symptoms/ suicidal thinking comes back and I wouldn't be able to participate. No big deal but this clinic did mention they seem to have a medication failure rate at about 60%. Guess I'm not alone. So the Organic Brain Chemistry isn't right, we know that. But the real frustrating thing is people get tired of you. They think you do it on purpose. They really do. The world doesn't care. You acknowledge their explanation, you try their treatments, you're expected to get better and when it doesn't work it's your fault. Like "Hell Is the Impossibility of Reason"
    So when you mention empathy I'm not used to it. I don't give it to myself either. Typically there are assumptions and judgements like the example listed above. Not solutions, though. Anyways 2helpful replies helps me out for today so Thanks for sharing.
  7. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I've heard the brain chemistry theory, and maybe there is something to that... personally I think my own dysfunctions are more the result of negative experiences that have altered my perception of myself and the rest of the world. If I buy into the bad brain chemistry argument, then I have to assume that either I was born that way, or somewhere along the way something happened to alter my brain chemistry. I know I wasn't born depressed, so I can rule that out. And as far as I know, I haven't suffered any traumatic brain injuries. Some people would love to point to my drug and alcohol abuse, both past and present, and say that I've damaged my own brain and altered my brain chemistry... but that doesn't explain my depression, because my depression started long before I ever touched drugs or alcohol. I started using drugs and alcohol BECAUSE of my depression.

    I told my so-called therapist at the time that I was depressed because of the bullying, social isolation, and abuse I suffered - mental, verbal, physical and psychological abuse - and then they turn around and tell me that the problem isn't my life, the problem is in my head. As if I imagined all of the pain I went through. Really? That's funny, because there were several witnesses to much of the abuse I suffered. But I guess I just "made it all up". They never actually said that, but that's what it seems like they were suggesting... or maybe they were just trying to find any excuse to push drugs on me instead of helping me actually cope with my pain and move on with my life. Too much effort to try to undo years of abuse... much easier just to write out a prescription and be done with me. I have empathy for other people's pain because I have felt that same pain. I know how bad it feels. I know that sometimes there isn't anything you can say to make it better. But like you said, obviously the drugs don't always work either. That's funny that they would tell you that you're ineligble for a drug trial for antidepressants because you suffer from depression. "Treatment resistant" - sounds to me like they're well aware that they're pushing placebos that don't really work, and they don't want people like you proving that they don't work... they'd rather give them to some gullible schmuck who will fall for the whole placebo effect so that they can proudly boast that they've cured depression, when really it was nothing more than the power of suggestion. I make no assumptions or judgments, I realize that everybody is different, and even if it is true that people are "doing it on purpose" or "making it up", then isn't that in and of itself a sign of true psychological distress? Not that I think you or most people are making it up at all... I certainly know that I'm not making it up... but if that's what they're going to assume, they can't use that to conclude that there's nothing wrong - in fact, that would only be proof that the problem is much worse than originally suspected. I tell them I'm depressed because of this this and this, and they think I'm making it up - well then what they're saying is that I'm not depressed, but I'm actually schizophrenic because I'm obviously hallucinating. The whole thing is a slippery slope, and this is why I don't trust the whole "mental health" field. They could easily conclude that anybody was insane, or perfectly normal, or making it all up, because it's all subjective. What is "normal"? I'm sure most doctors in the mental health field would argue that they're "normal", so then of course anyone who seems unusual or is difficult for them to understand must obviously be "sick". It's ALL subjective. I would much rather come here and associate with people who may have an understanding of me and my thought processes because they've actually experienced similar things before, as opposed to seeing some "professional" who really has no idea what it's like to feel depressed. How can you understand something that you have never personally dealt with? How can they empathize? They can't. They don't understand the circular and self destructive internal logic, the "self fulfilling prophecies" that oftentimes accompany depression. Nor do they understand the intensity of mental anguish that would drive a person to want to die. Which is why they have no solutions, because they don't even fully grasp the problem. They think the answer is, like you said, to pump a person full of drugs until they're in a catatonic state. And perhaps that is better than being severely depressed. But it doesn't really seem like a good way to live to me. NOT that I'm saying death would be preferable, but surely there has to be a better way to fix these problems.

    Maybe the reason science hasn't found the solutions yet is because they're going about it the wrong way. Perhaps instead of "attacking" the problem with drugs or electro shock therapy or various forms of brainwashing, they should be looking at what actually causes depression, and "attacking" the root cause or better yet, reversing the types of thoughts and/or experiences that led to the depression in the first place. Of course every person's situation is different. For me, I have multiple issues to address, from the bullying, abuse, neglect, rejection, etc., and each issue probably has to be dealt with separately. Perhaps for you it is in fact something more organic... and if it's an actual brain chemistry issue, then why are therapists having people sit on a couch talking about the problem? Shouldn't they instead be conducting brain scans to physically locate whatever part of the brain supposedly isn't functioning properly? This is why I have a problem with the whole "brain chemistry" theory. If the problem is something in the brain, they should be looking in the brain, conducting tests with medical equipment, etc., not talking to you in an office. Can you imagine if doctors used that same method to identify and treat cancer? "Do you feel like you have cancer? Okay, I'm going to write you a prescription for some aspirin" - I mean, that's essentially what they're doing here. It's almost as if they don't even take depression seriously at all.
  8. gxblu44

    gxblu44 Member

    past experiences are a huge part of this. I quit trying to figure out if the chicken or the egg came first. When you want to die, well, what difference does it make? Do the shrinks care? My last one did, he really tried. But he was the first. If Im in a serious pit of shit the meds can make it go away- for a short time. Like getting to the surface of the water when you're out of air. Eventually you start to sink again. You always do.
    But, Ive lost interest in life. I don't see the point in sticking it out. This thing is like being drowned over and over again. Eventually you just want it to be the last time.
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