ive tried again, and now im telling people what i know they want to hear

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jaderr, Dec 3, 2013.

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  1. jaderr

    jaderr New Member

    ive got a history of self harm and suicidle attempts which I think began pretty superficial, after losing all my immediate family one of those being my 14 yr old sister to suicide and my mum made many attempts while she was alive, lifes always been rettty crappy, but ive been so well since march 2012, nowI find myself here again I cant understand myself, ive moved to a place I love, ive been coping in work, I will admit to coming off ani depressents without my docs permission but this again was over a yr ago and ive been in what I thought was such a gd place, now ive ruined it all by trying again, this time I was "lucky" to be found, now im under homecare treatment too embarrassed to speak t work scared im going to lose my job feeling pretty much like what everyone is saying is lucky was again just my bad luck, I don't know if I want to die now but ive never hurt myself so very serious and still had the feelings, I could do it again right now if it wasn't for it being drummed into my head how I felt after my sister di it "how would I feel if I was my aunt etc etc" when I go on to do the same, I cant talk to anyone I never have been able to, l always say exactly what they want to hear and I don't know how to stop myself
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi jaderr i am glad you are here talking to us. If you can try to get back on your antidepressants ok they will help you hun and i think because of your family history you may have to stay on them ok to keep you stable. Try not to work ok about your job or anything only about getting you back to the point of being happy again You can talk to us here and noone will judge you hun
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is unfortunately common for people to come off meds thinking they no longer have need or use for them to start a downward spiral a few months later . Please go back to the Dr again and take the time and patience to adjust dosage and medication again. Unfortunately, it is not always as simple as going back on your old med and dosage level and it will take time to get back into your system and for your coping skills to adjust again- just as it took a time for it to get out and your coping skills to deteriorate....
  4. jaderr

    jaderr New Member

    Thank you, having somewhere like this i hope will at least allow me to be honest. I have started new meds and im determined to give them a go and if it means forever then thats something il have to accept, im just so dissapointed in myself and hate to burden anyone with my feelings
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Jaderr, I'm glad you started back on meds. Hope you find one that will stabilize you again. Once you feel stable and functional again, then you can manage your job and the life you want it to be. Please don't feel guilty about being a burden to others. Especially over here where you will find so much support it can be overwhelming but helpful for you to recover. At least you know that you need to be back on meds and that's a big step in the right direction. Please feel free to update us with your progress or any problems that you might encounter. Of course, tell your doctor of any signs of regressing into deeper depression or suicidal thoughts. Take care of yourself!
  6. darkdays13

    darkdays13 New Member

    talk therapy helps big time but it can be very hard to find someone when you're ready to do it at 2am. I noticed a lot mental hospitals are letting people out that would be better off in long term hospital stays. They tried pushing me out of hospitals numerous times and I told people too what they wanted to hear.
  7. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Darkdays13, I wish there is a separate hotline just for people to vent without the threat for calling EMS. I know there probably liability involved and who will fund such a hotline and hire counselors ATC to talk to people? I guess that's just my fantasy. Heard of deinstitutionalization? It's mental hospitals releasing the mentally ill back into society whether they're ready or not. There's not enough funds to keep people for a long time anymore. Some hospitals have a limit such as 2 weeks max for inpatient treatment. Should the patient need more time, the hospital will transfer the patient to a longer term facility, such as a state hospital. Believe me, you don't want that. What I've learned is that if I like my pdoc and the hospital, I will make more effort to be truthful in my recovery and seek the help I need. However, if I don't want to be in a certain hospital because the staff seems incompetent to me, I will fake my recovery and convince the pdoc to let me go. Usually, if I deny I'm not suicidal anymore nor homicidal, they have no reason to keep me unless I'm committed involuntarily.
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