I've tried, and tried

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dez, Jul 18, 2009.

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  1. dez

    dez Member

    I got sober. I am in AA. I got through a divorce. My shrink figured out what was wrong with me, picking the mist of Bipolar II out of the cloud of GAD and MDD. Good for him, it helped. I "got out of myself" by welcoming my mother into my home, to get away from her ex. I have maintained employment. I've tried to meet new friends (after having ditched my drinking buddies, no judgment, but that's the way it goes) and finally after being sure I was over my ex, to meet girls. I have had a modicum of success with new friends and dating. But I don't care. I feel very rejected by the last few old friends, suddenly old because of the "lost years" in my drunken fog, thoroughly unattractive, weak, unworthy, out-of-touch, now-harangued by my mom in my house every day (with whom I am very patient and understanding), and finally, completely irrelevant. I can work. I can stay sober. I do. It doesn't help me feel any less lonely. It doesn't put more meaning in my life, magically. It doesn't help me that my ex lied for several years every single time she said, "I love you". It doesn't bring back the lost time. I am 36. The second half of my life can't possibly hold the promise of being better than the first -even though that appears to make no sense- so what is the damned point? I will just age and die, slowly or quickly. I am in tremendous debt. Nothing makes me happy; things, vacations, sex, none of it. I'm not convinced I can even have sex properly now because of my meds. Some cure, huh? I know I'm on the pity pot. I know the blessings I have. But they are irrelevant. I don't care. I am sick, and I am tired. I feel worthless, utterly worthless. Even now I'm imagining you folks in the UK are judging me because I'm a Yank (CT Yankee by birth in fact) and so for some reason I am sitting here typing these words into some anonymous forum... because I'm in tremendous pain and I know all I have to do is very simply grab my .357 and stick it in my mouth. I can go anywhere and do it, I don't have to be in the house. It's messy but it doesn't get easier than that. Mom can have my stuff, my ex can go on, writing me off; no woman wants me apparently because I'm just mildly amusing on a temporary basis; I am apparently incapable of developing friendships; my career has become a joke; finally what in the world is there to give me any reason to think the world will stop looking like I'm in a movie, simply observing everything?

    I don't know. I've tried and tried to find meaning and to better myself but it appears to be all for naught. It doesn't matter what this ant on this rock thinks about anything. The world will go on. I am struggling to find a reason not to blow my brains out.

    If I get a hint of judgment on this forum I will leave it. You don't even have to reply. I am doing this more for the sake of it than expecting replies anyway... better luck to all of you...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you can come here to vent it does help. I am so amazed at the strength you have as well as itis very hard to kick any addiction especially alcohol. I know the feeling of trying and trying i still feel that way. 36 your still young in my books and i hope you find that special someone to bring some meaning to your life. Hang in there because god knows what is around the next turn you deserve happiness and i think it will come as i said you are still very young. My friend met her soul mate at 42 and it could just be time before things change and it is great you be sober and have it together when it happens. Best wishes take care
     
  3. dez

    dez Member

    Thank you Mary. I need to remind myself about how hard I've fought to STAY alive, because my active alcoholism was going to kill me. That begs the question.. why am I considering ending it now.. well it doesn't make sense by that measure but every day seems like a waste to me anyway I guess... I hate to think I need to meet someone for things to be complete, but I just do. It's how I am. I am built for love not loneliness :sad:
     
  4. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    that is so sweet.That is right..you ARE. You aren't alone here.Nice to meet you.You will find lots of support and friendship here to help you get through the sad times and make your way to a brighter day.:dance::)
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    DEz everyone needs someone and you will you are compassionate and just hang in there like i say you are still young and be proud of your great accomplishments.
     
  6. dez

    dez Member

    Hi there. Well it's hard to feel quite so hopeless with people being nice to me, even though I feel unworthy. I am not good without love. I feel that's a weakness. But my emotional makeup is sensitive and loving. I can put a game or business face on like everyone else but at the core I am a big romantic love creature. I just had a 15yr relationship end. Could have ended worse but it still ended. We're on civil terms and she's now even reminiscent (?) and I don't get it. I don't argue, I just pick my replies because I'm compassionate of her struggles too. I fear I will never find that person but have to stop lying awake at night fantasizing selfishly about ending my life and "getting even"... thank you...
     
  7. dez

    dez Member

    Thanks Mary. I feel it's weak! Like I should be happy to be alone. When all I want to do is find "her" and go :love: and give my heart and soul to her... I give myself completely, too... I don't know another way. Is that so bad? I will try to ease up and stop being so hard on myself. I can't hate myself and love another, I know that much.
     
  8. Cheesecake

    Cheesecake Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way man so just not know your not alone in your feelings.
    Having a job and opputnities and money doesnt stop me feeling any less lonely and depressed.
     
  9. dez

    dez Member

    Thank everyone for replying. I appreciate it more than you know.

    One big factor was at work for a while... I went to my Dr. and I was on a medication that at least didn't help, and at worst sort of backfired. I have Bipolar II (not sure if I mentioned it) and have been very, very depressed of course. Well I told him I felt suicidal and hopeless and scared so we switched things. I am feeling incrementally better, day by day I make myself work hard and be accountable and stay sober, and I am getting better. No one thing is doing it but the combo is doing it. My continued trying has got me on the upswing, no pun intended.

    Thank you again I am so glad there are resources like this out on the web. I am very grateful. :hugtackles:

    I must mention I met a great girl and am trying not to go overboard with my infatuation and just savor the newness of it. I gotta be patient so I don't scare her off and / or get hurt and disappointed. It's so hard not to over-think it or be pessimistic as is my way. I am TRYING to keep my head level about this and not put her on a pedestal or imagine the future, force my will onto the situation, etc. Be she is great. I have to keep my list of things for which to be thankful close and not put all my eggs in that basket.
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey good news don't be so nervous just be yourself okay i am glad you are doing better let us know how you are doing keep in touch we are here for you
     
  11. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    i haven't been active in sf lately but wanted to respond again.Good luck with your new romantic interest..have fun!:smile:
     
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