I've tried for to long

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by allynn1085, May 25, 2016.

  1. allynn1085

    allynn1085 New Member

    For a long time now I've felt like my life is a mistake. I've tried so hard to be a good person, but my good feeling never lasts, in most cases whenever i start to feel good, that's when I start to sink so low. I've opened up to people in my life, I've told them exactly how I'm feeling. I've told my mother that every day I want to be dead and here I am alone. I'm always alone. I was always worried I'd be a burden to people if I told them how bad it was and now I realize that I'm not important enough to anyone for anyone to try and help save me and I can't save myself. I'm so tired, my heart hurts so bad and the only reason I can come with is that god made a mistake when he put me here. I literally bring nothing to anyone's life and I don't think I can go on much longer with these feelings. I've tried to kill myself before and I did see how much it hurt my family, but that's what makes it hurt so much harder now. The fact that I have that past, I tell them how bad I feel now and I have no one. I've told friends and I've tried so hard, but I can't deny this gutteral feeling that it's all a mistake. I'm not meant to be here, I don't have a purpose.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Allynn, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you feel so bad, but it can change so quickly so don't give up hope.
    Yes, you're meant to be here, no one made a mistake, you have a purpose that only you can fulfill. Right now your trapped by dark feelings that are clouding your outlook on everything, believe me, I know, I've been there too and so have many people on this site. We'll help you get through this and you will.
    Allynn have you been to a doctor or therapist for counselling and maybe some medication to help you through the bad times. You may want to consider that. Also, being alone, I can relate, I'd isolate myself cause I did t want to be around anyone the way I felt, didn't believe I was worth anything. But it just takes a start and you can meet people. A good start is here, to get comfortable, then get out and do things you like to do, hobbies etc and meet people that like similar things. These feelings can change my friend, don't give up on yourself or life, it can be different.
  3. allynn1085

    allynn1085 New Member

    I've gone to counseling but I haven't tried medication. It doesn't feel like my thoughts are clouded, it feels like they've never been more clear. I've tried doing different hobbies and things I use to enjoy but none of it makes me feel any better. I guess the thing that really broke me was opening up to the people in my life, being so honest and vulnerable and it meaning nothing. I don't think life is suppose to hurt this much, and this pain can't come from nothing. This life just feels wrong.
  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I can understand that.....opening up to people is difficult. Most people don't really understand the feelings we have unless they've suffered from depression, so it's hard for them to relate. I believe You'll find people here that understand.
    Maybe medication is an option you should consider, talk it over with your doctor or therapistAllynn, see what feedback you get.
    Yes......life does hurt, I wish it didn't but it does. I don't believe the pain comes from nothing either, but really we're talking about feelings here and feeling effect us physically, when we feel good we're happy and upbeat, when we feel down.....well you know how it is. I don't know what causes it, chemical imbalance, past trauma. Everyone's seems to have a theory. However we have to deal with it as best we can. Take care Allynn, it can get better :)
  5. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Allynn-I first became aware that I was different when I was 10 years old. My first serious attempt at suicide was at age 13. There were several other more serious attempts at ending my life in the years to come. I am 53 years old now-I look back on the decades of time in my past when I was in terrible pain quite often and I'm always amazed that I pulled through it all. I was chronically depressed and constantly wanting to kill myself for almost thirty years. I don't have those sorts of thoughts anymore-I haven't had a negative thought about myself in well over a decade. Here is my advice about the situation that you are in.

    The conflict that you now see as external (meaning the distance between yourself and the people around you) is also internal (meaning that there is conflict inside of you that causes you to have feelings of self-hate). When you heal the damaged connections that are inside of you-the external connections in your life will heal themselves on their own. All you need to turn your life around is an accurate understanding of your relationship with yourself-who you are, why you feel the way that you do. You don't need anyone else's approval or assistance to heal the damaged connections that are inside of you-you only need yourself to begin to turn things around.

    But first you have to become the strongest ally on your force and for people like us-with years of chronic depression embedded in our thoughts that it is a very tall order. You are at war with yourself-that war reveals itself through your relationships with others but at its foundation YOU are the first cause. Careful examination of how you feel about yourself is of the utmost importance-there is actually nothing wrong with you. You are not damaged goods-you haven't been put here in this life by mistake-God hasn't cursed you. Everyone has feelings that are similar to yours, you're just brave enough to talk openly about the darkness.

    Everyone senses that same darkness inside of themselves but most people run from it-you don't run. You own it and you want to talk about it and work it out. That doesn't make you a mistake-that makes you brave, that doesn't make you weak-it makes you strong. Everyone you know will have to negotiate someday with the darkness that follows you around like a shadow-you're just getting it out of the way early, that's all. Not a day goes by that I don't bless the darkness that haunted me so many years ago-living in that world made me strong and wise, intuitive and inquisitive.

    Spending almost thirty years in that universe of experience was regrettable-if I had had access to forums like this one, where I could communicate with survivors I don't think that would have happened. I hope that some of my insight has helped you in some way. In closing-just know in your heart that you are not alone-millions of people all over the world feel just like you do. Also know that complete healing is possible and there is much to look forward to in your life.
    Brian777 likes this.