I've tried to change for the better, and I've actually talked to people.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by createdforopinion, Dec 7, 2009.

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  1. createdforopinion

    createdforopinion Active Member

    These are my previous topics, detailing my story and whatnot, because I don't feel like typing this all out again. They're in chronological order.





    And so since then I've tried at life. I've thought about what I'm going to do, thought about joining the army soon. I started exercising again, eating good. I gained a little self-respect. And I reconnected with two old friends and basically told them everything about how I tried to kill myself, and why I've been absent for so long. I did it in a very frank manner. We went for a drive like old times, and once that was gotten out of the way we just hung out for awhile. That was about 4 or 5 weeks ago. And I asked them to NOT tell anyone, and keep it to themselves. I placed a great deal of trust in them, something I've always been wary of doing.

    And here's why.

    They DID tell people. They told two of my other ex-friends, one of whom was the main trigger in me going into my deep depression and insanity, AND who is also dating the other one who is a girl that I've had a crush on before. So it's the one-time close friend of mine that suddenly started hating me for no reason and who triggered me into this exile that's going out with the one girl that I've actually liked and got close to. I didn't want them to know! And it's not like I REALLY mind them knowing, it's that they'll tell MORE PEOPLE. And soon, or maybe it has already happened, it'll be known that I'm a suicidal loser, and will probably be labeled as 'emo', despite the fact that NONE of them know anything about me or what I've been through. I'm a fucking joke. And the girl that was told has been messaging me on MSN (off-line messages because I don't go online) here and there and I got one this morning from her saying something along the lines of "whats your deal? you're gonna be locked up forever and then join the army lol". So I simply messaged back saying what's YOUR deal because she seems to have some sort of problem and it's pissing me off, and I also just said fuck it and replied after that by saying "fuck you all, and you can tell that to *** and *** too" (the two friends who I originally told).

    So I tried reaching out and I learned that I never had any real friends I guess. The ONE time in 8 months that I actually talked to ANYONE (I'm not exaggerating), and I get burned. I'm just known as this freak now and it irks me to no end because I wish I could have just NOT have talked to them, or anyone. I didn't want people to know.

    Add all this in to the fact that my home life has gotten steadily more stressful. I've been living here with my drunken father. And all the sudden he decides that he's "feeling a little blue" and he gets all fucking depressed and one night while drunk he says he wants to kill himself. This fucking enrages me to no end. SUCK IT UP MOTHERFUCKER I'VE BEEN SUICIDAL FOR MONTHS AND I NEVER FELT THE NEED TO TELL ANYBODY! I take it as a fucking personal insult that this piece of shit "needs somebody to talk to" and is starting to see a psychiatrist or whatever the fuck. And he's constantly trying to fucking talk to me, saying that I'm going to have to start talking to him because he has nobody to talk to. I HAVE TO START TALKING TO YOU?!!! WHAT THE FUCK. I'M THE ONE THAT HAS NOBODY TO TALK TO. How someone can be so needy and selfish angers me greatly. I never went up to him or anyone and said that "you have to start talking to me because I have no one else to talk to". I never talk to ANYONE. I HELP MYSELF. I don't need this pressure and feeling of guilt. I hate him and my whole fucking family. I actually wish that my father would just die, just end it all and rid me of this fucking drama that I don't want or need to deal with. Every night I just sit there, alone in the dark in complete silence, and just keep telling myself that I have to leave everything behind and just go. I want to go so badly. I want to just leave and NEVER look back, completely start from scratch. I would NEVER EVER get in contact with anyone from my past, family, relatives, friends, no one. I would even change my last name. I've been trying to get better and move on with my life, but they just keep bringing me down and I'm beyond sick of it.

    ... And I'm back to square one. Nothing has changed. I still feel like killing myself everyday, and I'm pretty sure I will do it. Something big is going to happen. I've been kept down with so much bottled up rage and anger that I'm just going to explode. And I don't know what's going to happen, but it's going to be big. Everyday I feel like a caged animal, cornered into doing something drastic. I think I might be even worse off then before. And I've been thinking that I shouldn't even bother fighting off my pending total madness anymore, and just embrace it. Just completely embrace every psychological and mental defect that I have and become totally insane and maybe I can get taken to a mental hospital and be totally isolated from everyone. I've been even thinking about going insane on purpose for a while, and then kill someone like my father or a few of my friends, and just act totally insane so that I just get sent to a mental facility. I just feel like I have no other options, it's either I do something drastic like that to get away, or I have to live here in this same situation forever.

    Or I'll probably just kill myself. Like I've said before many times, If I just had a gun I'd do it in an instant. If only there was some easy way to just end it. I just want to die silently, cold, and alone.

    And I don't care if anyone reads this, because I don't expect anyone to. I don't expect anything from anyone, ever. Just move along, nothing to see here.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yah lots to see here your pain your lonliness your cry for help even though you don't think it is. Talk to your doctor again tell him nothing has changed tell him time to try something new add on something new change things up because you are in a rut and you need something to make you feel more alive. You are important and people do care.
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