I've wanted to die for so long...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anonmn, Jan 18, 2011.

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  1. anonmn

    anonmn Active Member

    I was suicidal at the age of 10, because I was bullied so badly. Of course I had no means of killing myself, but I wanted to. My parents forced me into therapy. A few years later I was forced into a hospital. I went in and out a couple more times after that because of obsessive compulsive disorder.

    It's so sad that suicidal people can't ask for help without risking their freedom. Ironic even, that the people who most want to help us ensure we will never reach out to them, thanks to mandatory reporting laws.

    How does this site handle that, by the way? It is possible to track down any poster, granted their ISP turns over the name attached to their IP address. Has that ever happened? Would it? Could it?

    So I never let on, but I've been on and off suicidal since then, in varying degrees of danger. I'm now divorcing a woman who hates me because I don't have feelings. A week ago I was unexpectedly fired from a job that I loved and was passionate about.

    It was so hurtful. Maybe firings have to be cold and professional. It just feels so mean. I think they told all of my coworkers not to communicate with me. Either that or they only pretended to like me. I don't even understand why they fired me in the first place.

    Things improving seems too fantastical to even think about. All I can think about is death's release.

    The only reason I'm alive is my 2-year-old son. I cannot abandon him, but I cannot go on, either. Sometimes I think my mind is so diseased he would be better off without my influence. My life insurance policy pays out in the event of suicide.

    I can't even have friendships because I am so awkward around people. It probably made it easy to fire me. I just make blunders. I was so isolated by the bullying and stayed so isolated, I don't understand social cues or rules.

    Divorce and firing at the same time. And my joint replacement (yes, I am young) is deteriorating. So I am in physical pain that will only get worse for many years to come, until my next surgery.

    I'm just tired. I feel like the universe has been stringing me along on the brink of death and always will, just to make me suffer. Like I'm in some sort of cosmic punishment for a past life. I don't want to play anymore. I'm so tired. I just want to be done.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome. so sorry you are feeling so awful...many of us can surely relate to what you are saying...I am so glad you decided to post...maybe here you can find the support you are looking for...you surely sound like there is so much on your plate, especially losing your job which you loved...please continue to post and let us know how you are doing...welcome again, J
  3. Romancer

    Romancer Well-Known Member

    @Sadeyes you're an admin, can you answer the question he asked?
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If you feel you were wrongfully dismissed can you not bring it up with labor board or union if you had one. I do not believe anyone here will report your where abouts that is confidential they may be able to track what country your from what city with these things you talk about but not exactly where you live. I hope you know it safe here to post your emotions. this place has given me a place to do just that and not be judged by anyone. I hope to hear again from you soon. You are right in staying for your son but i do think there is help for you There are new medication you can try to help decrease you depression and new therapy as well. I hope you continue to reach out okay and do hold on for you son he will always need you hugs.
  5. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. I'm sorry to hear about all you have gone through :hug: Keep living for your son, there is no way he would be better off without you.
  6. anonmn

    anonmn Active Member

    Deep down I know that. Sometimes my pain is so great though, it becomes difficult to see anything else, even his need for me. At a certain point your pain can become too much to bear no matter what you have anchoring you to life, as awful as that sounds when your anchor is a child. It's despicable and impossible for most people to understand, but true.

    There's another issue causing me great pain.

    When I was in my senior year of high school, I had a huge crush on a freshman, actually. We'll call her Sally. She was interested in me too, only I didn't realize it until years later because I'm so socially inept.

    After getting back from the Marines (the cause of my joint replacement), I came into contact with her again. Only now, she wasn't interested. Little did I know her best friend, who we'll call Katie, had had a huge crush on me for just as long. They say the way to a woman's heart is by getting her friends to like you, and after Sally's rejection became clear I ended up accidentally settling for Katie as a consolation prize I didn't intend to date for very long.

    Then of course I found out about Katie's crush, and being the weenie I am I stayed with her to keep from breaking her heart and married her, and now of course we're divorcing.

    The whole time I never stopped loving Sally. I made so many critical, stupid mistakes. I've blown everything in the worst, most catastrophic way possible. Even if I hadn't, she's now in her first serious relationship (at the age of 25), so you know she'll marry that guy. If I ever hear or think about them having sex I have to fight the physical urge to vomit.

    The pining is agonizing enough, but the rage at myself for the repeated failures is something I really can't live with.

    And having a failed romance as a contributing factor to being suicidal seems so pathetic. That's how people think about it, anyway. They make jokes. Not about me, since no one knows I'm suicidal. But you know what I mean. In the reasons for suicide, it's the most looked down-upon. You aren't seen as the tortured soul, you're seen as the poor loser. Who could blame her for not wanting to be with him? Look how pathetic he is; he killed himself, he must just be crazy. People only understand more tangible reasons.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2011
  7. 2ndCity773

    2ndCity773 Active Member

    Hey anonmn. I feel you bro. Im a former devil dog myself and im going through a lot of the same shit you are. My wife is on the verge of divorcing my ass cuz I have no feelings or any kind of emotions. And the only thing keeping me around is my 2 year old daughter. You probably already know this but the VA hospital might be able to help. Feel free to hit me up. Semper Fi.
  8. anonmn

    anonmn Active Member

    Thanks. Maybe it's a Marine thing. I even told her when we were dating that I don't really have feelings, but I guess she didn't believe me.

    Yeah, I've been going to the VA.

    So what's your story?
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