I've wanted to die for so long...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xZombiexAngelx, Jan 18, 2011.

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  1. xZombiexAngelx

    xZombiexAngelx Well-Known Member

    And yet I've never made an attempt to take my life. Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe I don't want my ex boyfriend to follow in my footsteps. He always said if I killed myself, he would do the exact same.

    Those suicidal feelings have started to come back. I feel empty, I feel so hollow and alone. Even though I'm surrounded by 7 other people in my home. None of them want me here, I can tell.

    The other night I almost ended it, I'm not afraid anymore. I didn't because I wasn't sure how I should do it.

    The reason I wanna die is because... if I was gone, maybe my dad would have finally realized how much I truly needed him. We live in the same house, but we never talk. He chooses his "girlfriend" over me all the time. She hates me, he allows the things she has done to me over the years

    He keeps her around, knowing she's the reason I became depressed when I was 9.

    I take back what I said earlier, I have attempted suicide before. I was 10. A close friend of mine had just killed himself. He was only 9. I felt so... alone. I took xxxxxxxxxx it made me feel alive.

    I'm not sure what to do anymore, or how to deal with these feelings.

    I was on pills for over a year, but they didn't help. Talking to counselors never helped either. I thought I'd be okay without the pills, without the counselors, without friends. But I'm really not.

    I feel more alone then ever...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    So sorry you are feeling so awful...sometimes, it is better to turn the situation around and to revenge the person by making him/her not important, or just acting that way...some ppl do what they do because of the reaction of others...I am sure many of us here relate to what you have said...thanks for sharing and please continue to tell us what is going on...J
  3. xZombiexAngelx

    xZombiexAngelx Well-Known Member

    I don't pay any attention to her anymore, actually. But I hear her say things about me. She told everyone I know that I'm a suicidal freak. That's why I don't have friends anymore :/
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    That is so unkind...is there a way to be with friends outside of your house, so she cannot say anything to them? You have to realize this is her problem and that she is really being cruel (probably jealous?)...J
  5. xZombiexAngelx

    xZombiexAngelx Well-Known Member

    She might be jealous, I dunno. I know it's something a lot deeper... But it's probably not right for me to say anything. My uncle hinted something to me a while back, so I know what her problem is.

    As for meeting friends outside of my house... I don't have friends to meet anymore. When I needed them the most, they turned their backs on me. I only had 2 friends. They both left when they found out I had tried to kill myself. One of them told everyone at our school that I was on pills.
  6. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Does your father know how you feel about things?

    If you and his gf both have problems relating to mental health - you may well be closer than you realise, have you tried reaching out to her? I know that sounds crass and horrible, but sometimes silence is worse than shouting.

    As to friends - do you have any hobbies or social activities you enjoy doing that could allow you to develop friendships with people?

    Feel free to PM me if you wanna chat about this or anything else on PM or MSN,

    Much love
  7. xZombiexAngelx

    xZombiexAngelx Well-Known Member

    My dad knows. Over the last 7-8 years I've tried talking to him so many times, each time, he would promise things would be different. He even said he would make the girlfriend move out. But each time, he brought her back. As if he didn't care how I felt.

    Her and I used to get along. But as I got older, around, I'd say 10-11 she started being horrible towards me. I know why now. As I said in an earlier post, my uncle told me something about her. And yes - she does have mental health issues. But not something I could relate to. I don't mean to be rude or mean towards her, I'm not that type of person but she... I think she needs to get some help from a hospital... She does some really bad things...

    My hobbies don't help me make friends, they encourage people to pick on me. I know from experience... I was picked on all during high school, so I dropped out. Being a video game, anime loving nerd doesn't exactly help me out.
  8. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Nerd's a miserable word - you're better than that. I note in your profile your hobbies also include helping people...have you considered doing any kind of voluntary work? Having done some myself it's very fulfilling and can lead all kinds of different ways...
  9. xZombiexAngelx

    xZombiexAngelx Well-Known Member

    Where I live there isn't much that I could do. I live in a very small town, not sure what there is. But by helping people, I mean, helping people who have problems like my own. There's this website I go on, and every day, I post a "secret" that has my email address. I want to help the people who want to take their lives.

    Even though I have problems of my own, I put other people above myself. That's one of the reasons I've joined this site, someone who emailed me from the site I posted the secret on recommended this site to me. Not only for me to get help, but also so I can help others. I don't know many people who have problems like mine.
  10. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. I've been wanting to die for a long time too but I've never attempted either.
  11. xZombiexAngelx

    xZombiexAngelx Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I feel like I deserve to die. I don't have friends and I think my family hates me. So I doubt I'd be missed here where I'm from. But I doubt that I'll ever attempt anything. I think about it a lot, but I never would, I'm sure.
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