Okies I don't even know why im letting this out, i dont even get why its playing on my mind so much. So just ignore me. So i met this friend called ''J'' through another friend called ''N''. Me and J got very close in a very short amount of time. We talked most days on MSN, phone, text, did the shopping, going to the cinemas etc. This all happened in a few months, we got very close. Both of us commented of how close we had actually got in such a short amount of time. I could talk to her about anything and the same went with her. She was allways there for me. The first time I ODed she was the first person i told, i felt so sick after taking a box full of pain killers that i told her what i'd done. I trusted her that much, i could trust her with my life. I often told her i would die for her because i cared about her that much. Our friendship meant a hell of alot to me. More than anyone could understand. She was the first person i told about my depression and suicidal feelings. We talked alot about it. I know she worried about me. I know sometimes i did hurt her alot with the things i was saying about wanting to kill myself. I guess i just wanted someone to understand. I thought she did but obviously she didn't. I found out my younger brother (17 at the time) had feelings for her. Time and time again i asked to be honest with me if she liked him aswell, she said she would never lie to me but she did. She told me she didn't. Then a probably a month later she admitted it to me. It wasn't the fact that she liked him but the fact that she said she would never lie to me and thats what she had done. Then I found out she had lied about a few other things. The one person i was completely honest with and thought would never lie to me had done so, it felt like being stabbed in the back. He asked her out and she wanted to go out with him. She knew i had a problem with it. She knew how much my brother had hurt me and all the crap he had done to my family. She knew every detail because i was so open with her. I knew what my brother was like, i knew she would get hurt and i told her that she would get hurt and i was right. She gave the 'friends come before any boy' speech. What a load of bullshit that was. I told her if she went out with him, i would have to stop talking to her full stop while they we're going out because i couldn't sit back and watch her get hurt. But for me to take distance from anyone is a hard thing, especially from people i care for with all my heart. So she went out with him, hurt so much that she would do that knowing how much it would hurt me. But fine it was her choice, i just wanted her to be happy and if that meant me being hurt then so be it. I found out that she had slept with him, she was 14 at the time. I asked her about it but yet again i was lied to. He died some more crap while they were going out, so my mum kicked him out. She had every right to after what he had done. But no she didn't give a crap that he had been nicking hundreds of pounds off my mum getting her into a lot of debt that shes not even out of now. But she stuck by him regardless of what he had done. He threatened to kill himself one day, so many times we heard that. Was a regular thing, happened everytime my mum would kick him out. He knew full well what he was doing by saying he would kill himself. He would tell her, she would tell me, begging me to talk to my mum and let him back. He bloody knew what he was doing. We all knew it apart from her. So she was telling me this on MSN and i said something along the lines of 'theres not much i can do' and i get a reply i will NEVER forget till the day i die. She said 'Well you could at least care!'. Then she logged off. She has no idea how angry i was at her for that. She hadn't been through the crap i had because of him, she knew FULL well what he had done and she knew i cared but i just couldnt take being hurt AGAIN by him. Then she turns around and says that, i was soooooo hurt. She knew almost everything about my depression and suicidal feelings and she told my brother. She would copy and paste things that i had told her in confidence, betraying any trust i had for her. He would even BREAK into my room and go onto my computer and take the convosations between me and her and read them. He turned around and told my mum things that she had no right to know. I was 18 at the time, an adult. What i did was my own business and she didnt need to be brought into it but he decided to make it his own business and get involved when he had no right to. Couldnt see that i was protecting her. I honeslty think he just wanted to stir some shit up for me so it could take the heat off him a bit. Thats the kind of person he is. Likes to see other people hurting. I was so hurt by what had been done by him but mostly by what she had done. I've never been hurt like that and i swore to myself that i would let myself get hurt like that again or get close to anyone like that again. But its happened again. Started caring a hell of alot for people on here. Some know me alot more than im willing to admit to myself. Maybe thats where my paranoia comes from. I care about people but theres allways this thing in my head wondering what they TRUELY want from me. Waiting to be hurt by them. Thinking im being used to get what they want. Some people i KNOW use me and i just let it happen. I just let myself get hurt time and time again because thats all im use to. Being hurt on a daily basis. I care about a few people alot more than i did for J. A hell of alot more, I can't even put into words how much. I know they would never do anything to hurt me intentially but this small part of me is paranoid that i will get hurt like that again. The main person that caused the hurt in my life has no part in it, i haven't seen him or talked to him in over 6 months. But im so damn paranoid about what people want from me because all he ever did was use me. Use me to get to my mum, to get what he wanted. We never got along and probably never will. Theres no relationship there what so ever. Im the burden for my mum. I'm the reason she can't have a proper relationship with her son. I won't talk to him. The last time he came round her i just simply punched a few walls and walked out of the house until he had gone. But i know im the reason why she can't have the relationship proper mother son relationship that she would want. I can't allow myself to be around him or talk to him because i'll just end up getting hurt again. He's probably the main reason why im so depressed and if i allow myself to have some kind of relationship with him then i know it will end up in me being hurt time and time again. But i feel so damn guilty that im the reason that she can't have that relationship with him and i have no idea what to do about. I just feel so guilty, I feel so guilty about alot of things. Some times thing i have nothing to do with to no control over. Urgh i dunno why i brang all this up. Just ignore me.