Jacobs ladder and journey i have to take...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Morodark, Jan 13, 2015.

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  1. Morodark

    Morodark New Member

    Hello, i'm little skeptical if anyone would read this, and care, not used to that at all. I'm 30 years, name is Vanja (male). I'm not sure which country is this forum specified to, guess i was too sad to look some closer to my own destination. I'm sure though there is none on my native language out-there as there is no help group in my country at all for anything. Week ago i tried third suicide in my life. <mod edit - methods>. The reason i write this is not cause i'm set to kill myself, its the reason i have troubles living even half a day now without utter despair and my own body feeling such maniacal urge to die, whatever means possible. I don't think my life can be remedied, i just don't have the basic will to live. On 24th December i passed last exam of my second University - literature, and i was shocked how sad that made me. I was alone, and i really wanted to have someone there, in my life, who would be happy for me, and loved me. Its first thing i done in my whole life that wasn't broken, that i did manage to end, and even that was impossible to achieve couple times. I live in what you would call third world country. For all my life i struggled with abuse, violence, famine, cold, low odds, and basic survival that after so much years, i can't fight it anymore, left my spirit scarred for life, never to had anyone even touch me kindly. Decades have passed and nothing changed, except this one, now empty thing i was hiding behind. I can't write or say anymore all the stuff that happen to me, all the faith I've lost, or how broken i am... i just know i can't go on anymore, don't have faith, can't lie to myself either anymore, I've come to utter zero.

    Year and half ago i had a dream. One of few i remembered every single detail. It was in some place not far from me, in reality, called "Cursed valley" a small patch of dirt in theater of stone. AS child i used to go there with my parents to work in garden we had there. There was big fire in dream and my face was covered in ashes, and blood was spilling from my head. I had carved 10 times X sign on my hands, below elbow, and was kneeling near fire, in utter darkness in that place, moving to some strange sound. There was a song playing, i never heard it before. When i woke up i felt i was summoned there, like call or something, and i knew if i leave, i'll be changed or i'll die. Two days later new album of unknown artist to me went out and strangely i got one song recommended on music profile station i was listening to. The song was from Velvet Acid Christ, called "Evoked". That dream, is on my mind since that day... After my last attempt which failed, other two ones happen when i had 17 and 21 i keep thinking i should go there and see what will happen. I decided that day to be incoming Saturday. If i somehow even get there without injuries (cause its on mountain and there is lots of ice atm) there are still lots of wolves around, cause its deserted place, and i'm not going there to fight for my life, just to face myself in a way. Guess my despair has reached its maximum. Wish i had someone to tell this in reality who would listen and understand. In the end i have lots of people around me who would say "No, don't do it!" but nobody could give reason why not... None of them would sacrifice part of their real time to help me, or love me. The reason i can't go on anymore is i'm too much alone in reality i can't bear living like that anymore. Even as child, i was scared from possibility of being alone, and i always was nonetheless, and more then 2 decades passed without ever looking a person in eyes and hear the words they loved me and meant it. Maybe i'm weak to crave for such a thing, not flesh, not satisfaction, but to want one true, and pure emotion that would be beacon in my life... but i'm not ashamed of wanting it, and wishing it. I know i deserve it, and i tried my best to have it with cards i had, but in the end it wasn't up to me... i was respected for my mind, imagination, taste many times, but no girl ever wanted to love me, i was told once i'm too dark, and that she couldn't be with me cause she was afraid from me...

    I keep listening to that quote from movie Jacobs ladder: "The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth...", am somehow enthralled to it and song which implemented it "Solitary experiments - Counterpart"... i think i made my peace, but i'm still sad it will end like this... though i know it can't go on anymore...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2015
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry that you felt so alone at such an important time for you. You need to remember though that graduating from the university is not the end, it is the beginning. You have certifications and degrees now that will allow you to change your situation. The difficulties you had in the past can be put in the past if you choose to look at this as the beginning of real opportunity. While your country may have few resources Western Europe (and we have lots and lots of members from all over Europe) has lots of resources and opportunities. Instead of looking for ways and reasons to end things I suggest you look for the ways to start things with your degree to change the things in your life you want to change.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. daissy

    daissy Member

    First off, congratulations on graduating from University. That's definitely something to be proud of. Now I know how it feels to want to die and to attempt suicide. But I've been told the most healing thing you can do is remind yourself over and over again, other people feel this too. Please don't hesitate to e-mail me wordsaredefinitions@gmail.com
    I will not judge or criticize your decision
  4. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    Welcome Vanja! It may be you are the only person from a third word country who is posting. I hope there are more people who read and maybe something that is said on here helps them.

    I am impressed and envious oh how articulate you are. I can never get words to come out the way I feel.

    If you feel you need to revisit the place of your dreams then I think you should go. I also will love to hear how that visit went so would want you to to be safe from all types of wolves both 2 and 4 legged.

    Often life is a series of little steps. At time the steps are so small that we feel like we are going nowhere. It is only after days or months that we look behind us and are surprised that we have managed to advance.

    Change is always something people are worried about. The end of your second university studies is a very big change for anyone. Sometimes it helps to focus on small goals to start with. Nothing wrong with a big goal like your trip. Just remember life is full of both large and small steps.
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