Hi. I really don't know what to put here, especially since I doubt anyone reads it. I'm 26 years old. I used to be happy and at times I still am. At times I am not. I had a lot of problems when I was in High School but I grew out of them... I grew up... and I became adjusted. I don't make friends very easily, I am extremely introverted and suffer at times from social anxiety. It was really really bad when I was younger but I have managed to control it for the most part... I still don't open up very easily. It takes years for me to form a friendship...and even then I still keep people at arm's length. I have a boyfriend, for the sake of reference I'm calling him John, and he's a wonderful and caring individual and for the first time I think I've found "the one"...we're so alike in so many ways that he is my rock. The only thing aside from perhaps my mother that keeps me strong enough to carry on. Without my support network I would truly be suicidal... and while I still fantasize about it from time to time I can stomach the pain for fear of hurting them. Times are hard though, the worst they have ever been. Over the course of three years.... * John's house burned down and he came to live with me * John started to go blind and the doctor's didn't know why. Expensive medical bills and specialists visits they finally dianosed it as a rare parasite in his eye eating his retina. Subdued the parasite but the partial impairment to his vision is permanent. * I handled the stress of John's illness badly...because for two months the doctors were saying "he could die if we don't do ___". I was a wreck and missed a lot of time from work...used up all my vacation. * I got sick with pneumonia. I was fired. * Bank informed me of an error on my escrow, my house payment goes up $340 dollars a month * John recovers but cannot find anyone to employ him. Even McDonalds doesn't call him back. National unemployment rate at the time is at 8%... boy do we know how that feels. * New job was temporary and for 8 months I worked 18 hours a day to make ends meet. My boss loved me and my work ethic but at the end of the contract he had to let me go. * Found a new job for a major pay cut and a HUGE distance away. $10k less than what I was making and it takes me an hour each way to drive there. Car cannot make the journey... and I have to get a new one. * GMAC adjusts my mortgage again. New payment? $1585 a month.... on a mortgage that started out at a comfortable $1040. * The $5,000 in savings is depleted in full in a couple months. I start to get behind in the bills because what I make at the new job is not enough to cover my bills. We cut out EVERYTHING from our budget that is not contracted or neccessary + a $30/month Entertainment allowance after consulting with a non-profit debt counselor. They redo my budget and inform me... "I have to find an extra $250 a month in income from somewhere". Where am I now? *John finally found a job as a telemarketer but gets paid by the minute... very little income there. *I'm 2 months behind in the mortgage and I owe taxes to the city for personal property taxes. Most my other bills are in temporary forebearance until February or ... behind. *John is going to school in the evenings to get a new degree in a technical field... so eventually he can make decent money. I'm hungry. I'm scared. I'm stressed out to no ends. I thought I had tried to make all the responsible decisions in my life. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't go out and party or blow money on large expensive items. I drive a conservative car and do not speed. I've never been in a single accident and when I bought my house I made sure that the payments were not going to be over 25% of my net pay--well below what they said I should of been able to afford. What happened?! What went wrong? I was so very careful... I was so very responsible! I did absolutely everything I could to make my mother proud, to make people admire me and realize what a grown, mature, responsible adult I am and at the end of it all.... I'm totally and utterly screwed. Life is a friggen joke. Honesty and integrity don't pay. Responsibility just buys you stress. How can anyone be proud of me anymore? I'm begging for table scraps just to stretch my food bill out a bit. My boss was surprised when I told her that I wasn't celebrating Christmas this year. To be honest I don't even feel like it. Who could possibly feel the holiday spirit when you're worried you're going to spend it by candlelight because they're going to turn your electricity off and there's nothing you can do about it.